- I weigh a lot. Currently. I weigh 30 pounds more than my mom, but we wear the same size or I wear slightly smaller. 30 POUNDS. I was definitely always on the bottom of the pyramid.
- I am slow. I know now that even in the best shape I have ever been in, I can't run fast. I think that running was such an effort for me equated to fat and out of shape.
- I eat a lot. It always took more to get me full. I was always hungry first. I thought about food a lot.
I think that all the things above contributed to the myth that I was fat...that and every girl thinking she is fat. So when I got to college, I think I just let go. I had dieted all through high school and I was still known as the fat one, so forget about it. I'm just going to do, eat, and drink what I want.
I didn't weigh myself much back then, but I'm guessing that from my Senior Prom to my college graduation, I gained around 75 pounds. After graduation from the time of my surgery, I went up and down, up and down, up and down. I weighed as little as 197 once, and 206 once. And I was high as 265 many, many times and right before surgery ballooned to 285.
Like many of you reading this, I dieted a lot. Weight Watchers, NutriSystem, Jenny Craig, pills, shakes, Atkins, South Beach...and I'm sure there are many I'm forgetting. Often I successfully lost the weight only to put it back on. Same old story, right?
I needed so much food to be satisfied, not stuffed, but just satisfied. I needed so much volume that in order to lose weight, my options were very limited. I had to eat grilled chicken/fish, veggies and maybe some fruit. That was it. I would do fine for a while, but then I would get tired of eating the same thing over and over. So I would quit and I would start gaining weight...even if I wasn't eating horribly.
All my life:
Diet = Deprivation.
When I got my Lap Band, that changed. I was able to diet without completely depriving myself of things. Because I was satisfied with a small amount of food, for the first time in my life, I could have some of what other people were having without feeling shame. I was in heaven. I felt normal.
Diet was no longer deprivation. Diet = food put into my body.
It was amazing to be able to work at it just a little and still be successful. But, there came a time, when working "just a little" stopped working so I ramped up my exercise. At good Band restriction, with my exercise and only slight adherence to nutrition, I have proven to myself that I can maintain quite easily.
Two problems with that:
- I can maintain, but because I've become so happy with my food life, I have stopped losing. And seemingly, no amount of psyching myself up is working to get me out of maintenance and back into losing. I try. Well, you all know because you are witness to it here.
- When I'm not at good restriction, I'm screwed. I'm gaining. Not a lot. I'm just at the high point of "my range". But I can feel myself losing control. My fill isn't until 5/10 so I absolutely cannot wait until then to get control over myself.
What am I going to do? I'm going to old school diet. I have 10 days before my fill. I get no credit for exercise because I do that anyway. But for 10 days, I will be in my calorie range and I will drink my water. I'm going to be hungry. That is just going to have to happen and I will get over it. I did a liquid diet for two weeks pre-band and I got through it. I can get through this.
Honestly, I just need to get myself to do this. No rewards, no punishments. I just need to do it. I will worry about what to do after the fill...well, after the fill.
I'm kind of at one of those Crossroads. I need to do something just because I'm telling myself I need to do it. Quite honestly, when it comes to food, I don't even believe myself anymore. And that, my friends, is a problem.
10 Days. Nothing more. Will I walk the walk? All I can say today is that I hope so. I really, really hope so.