Well, I did say it was never ending...

My last entry was March 2017. Maintenance is boring. It was boring, but life was good. I was working out, eating decently but balancing it all with fun. I was gaining and losing the same 5 pounds but fitting into some clothes that I just never thought I would. It was awesome!

Then the holidays came along and I gained a few pounds, but not a big deal. You always lose them in January, right? Unfortunately, the day after Christmas last year, I went indoor free climbing with my nephew. I got a little cocky and ended up in a controlled fall from about 10-12 feet. It was controlled, but still painful because at the bottom I broke my fibula. Oops.

I couldn't walk at all for months. Add to that, January-July I was working on the biggest work project of my life. So most of 2018 was not great. There were a few good moments, but mostly I'm not sad to see it go. But back to the never ending quest part...

On top of the 4 pounds I gained during the holidays last year, I gained another 18 pounds while getting over the leg break and working 60-80 hours per week. Then during these holidays, I went ahead and gained another 3 pounds because, why not?

So here I am, fully healed, but out of shape and a full 25 pounds heavier than I was one year ago. However, things aren't all bad.

1. In the olden days, I would have gained over 50 and I'm being conservative. I'm not congratulating myself or anything, but I am recognizing that life is different now.
2. I'm still in "regular" sizes. They are at the higher end of the spectrum, but I didn't have to modify my shopping to get some "fat" clothes.
3. I'm truly healed and still quite able to work out.

With that in mind, yesterday I started with Noom. I have no idea really what it is or what it does, but you log your food and exercise and you have a coach that messages with you. I will at least give it a try for the 2 week free trial. I work better when I have someone to check in with. Honestly, that was what this blog was all about. My accountability. I don't know that it will work without people reading it, but I felt like maybe putting my thoughts on "paper" would help me.

My goals are reasonable and this is for the month of January:

1. No drinking during the week. I'm actually trying not to drink at all, but I'm afraid if I get too strict I won't stay with it, so a hard stop during the week days.
2. No sugary snacks. Honestly, this one isn't that hard for me. When I'm eating a bunch of sweets, I know I'm off the rails. I'm more of a savory snacker.
3. No Starbucks during the week. I only drink plain lattes so they aren't too bad to have on the weekend.
4. Work out at least 4x per week. 2 Orange Theory & 2 Jazzercise is the plan right now. I really want to try yoga again, but it isn't working out at the moment.
5. Small portions, small portions, small portions. This is really the big one. I don't need a lot to fill me up, but the fat girl in me just keeps eating. If I can conquer this one, I will be golden.

I know I will probably never lose the 50 pounds I want to lose, but I do think 20-30 is possible. I just have to want it more than I want other things. Right now, I'm focusing on January. One step at a time.

Hugs!
Beth Ann

Boring

Maintenance is boring. Eat right, work out, sleep well, and drink water. If you do all that...nothing happens! And that is the whole point. But it is boring. There is nothing sexy and exciting about working hard to stay the same. However, I recognize its importance.

Right now I'm a size 10. Well, I guess I'm a 10. Sometimes I wear a 12, but yesterday my pants were size 8. I wear some medium shirts, but my Tshirt from this weekend fit snugly and it was an XL. I hate sizes. Today I'm wearing a large tank, medium cardigan and medium skirt, so let's just say I'm a size 10.

Why do I still feel like the fattest person in the room? I know part of it is that I do crossfit and yoga. Many times, I AM the fattest person in the room there. If I ever start to feel good about myself, a good fix is to look in the mirror at yoga. Skin pockets sticking out everywhere as sweats pools at my feet and fat bubbles muffin topping while I try to maneuver into a pose. Meanwhile, the slim lovely beside me shows no signs of sweating while her perfect body flows from one pose to the next. When it is over, I tell myself it's okay because she has been working hard to excel at this...just as the instructor gives her a 20 class bracelet. FML.

But that is an abnormal circumstance. In the everyday scenario, I'm "below average". Objectively I know that, but instinctively, I'm not there yet. BFF & I had floor seats at a Mavs game the other night. The guy next to me was pressed up against me from knee to shoulder. My first instinctive thought was "oh no! I don't fit!" I did everything I could to shrink myself. At one point late in the first half, I finally realized that I was not the problem. Heck, his butt cheek was almost on my chair! I looked over and there was space between him and the guy next to him on the other side. He was purposefully crowding me so he didn't have to touch the guy. After halftime, I came back to my seat and sat down basically using my tushie to move him out of the way. He asked me if I was okay and I smiled, took up the room I had a right to use and said I was great! He moved over and (gasp!) had to touch his friend just a little bit.

I still gingerly sit down on things petrified that I'm going to break them. I still assume that people look at me and see a fat person. My revision was one year ago yesterday. Since then I have lost 66 inches on my body including 11.5 inches on my waist and 10 inches on my hips. I have lost over 2 inches on each calf!!

What is even more astounding is that I have lost over 100 inches since I first started this journey. I have lost 18.5 inches on my waist alone. And about 8 inches on each thigh!! That is nutballs. There is no question that I take up less space. However, because I never really felt that big when I was that big, I don't think I feel this small being this small. My brain is always and forever an 18.

In September, I injured my back and had to lay off CrossFit. I started yoga and it has been doing great things for my body. BUT, I really missed CrossFit. At the end of the year, my CF box closed. All of my CF friends had moved to another close by and last week I decided to try it. The gym, coaches, programming and people are awesome!! My plan is CF twice a week and yoga twice a week with (most times) Jazzercise on Saturdays.

I look at that picture and instead of saying, DAMN Beth Ann, you are rocking it! I think "good job on hiding your upper arms and positioning yourself to look as small as possible." Heh. But then my next thought was "Damn, Beth Ann, you are rocking it!" Baby steps.

I have to remind myself that changing your brain takes a lot longer. It will come with time.  

What is important is focusing on that boring maintenance so I don't let my body catch back up with my brain first!


Hugs!

Society and Maintenance

I LOVE music, but I don't watch the Grammy's. The next day I look at all of the photos of the outfits and if someone gets a lot of attention for an amazing performance, I will go back and watch that as well (I'm looking at you this year, Bruno.) But I get no enjoyment from schadenfreude. If someone has a bad performance or they fell down or whatever, I don't want to see that.

This morning I checked Facebook and the big topic was Adele vs. Beyonce. Now, from what I can tell, those two lovely talented women like and support each other. I've seen no evidence that either has done anything to tear down or malign the other. So why is it that we feel compelled to pick sides? The things I have read coming from my actual friends (not just anonymous comments) are just plain ugly. We are constantly griping that society is deteriorating, but don't want to take steps to change how we approach things. And I don't want to make these comments on FB, because then doesn't that just add to the dischord?

We want our leaders to be better. We want our athletes, musicians and actors to be better. All of that starts with us being better. I don't think anyone (Obama, Trump, etc.) made us decisive. We are doing that all on our own.

*ahem* Now back to our not-so-regularly scheduled blog posting.

I have been suffering from acid reflux since my revision surgery and it has been particularly bad in the last week. I had been taking OTC omeprazole and it just didn't seem to be working. My doctor prescribed Rx pantoprazole and it didn't do much differently. They tried to switch the Rx to Nexium, but my insurance won't cover it. They then tried to switch to Dexilant but both the potential side effects and the price gave me pause.

I decided to take a long hard look at my eating/drinking habits and see if I can figure this out on my own. I have suffered from acid reflux since my 20s, but 100 pounds down, it feels like there should be something I could do regardless of my genetics.

Goals:

• Continue to eliminate soda and carbonation.
• Cut back on caffeine. Limit to one caffeinated cup of coffee each morning. Decaf only after.
• Drink more water. (This one just needs to happen anyway.)
• Eliminate fried foods completely. 
• The biggie: cut down on portion size. 

I have gotten in the habit of eating three meals instead of 5 small ones. It is just more convenient. But I think that maybe it has irritated my little banana belly. I think I'm eating the right amount of daily calories, my consistent pound a week loss since the beginning of the year tells me that. But I have to be smarter about how/when I consume. Fingers crossed anyway. We shall see.

My workouts are going great. Since they closed my CrossFit box, I decided to do more yoga. I'm inconsistent, but when I go, I love it. I think it does great things for my body and it forces me to slow down a bit. I also still go to Jazzercise on the weekends which is fun. And I supplement all that with walking/running/elliptical at lunch.

I know that maintenance is the long, boring part. This is the "never-ending" stuff. But I need to focus on it. Maybe I could even lose a few more pounds in the process.

Hugs!

Did it really happen?

I haven't blogged since October, October 3rd to be exact. Usually, if I step away from my blog for 4 months, I come back with the intention of resetting myself because I've gone astray. While my mind can always use resetting, that isn't why I'm here.

I actually came to allow myself to reflect on the amazing things that I have earned these last few months. My October 3 reset must have worked because I lost almost 5 pounds that month. And another few over the weeks that followed.

On December 6th, I reached 100 pounds lost. That journey started in January 2010, almost 7 years earlier. This is me that day:

Wow. Who is that girl on the left? I haven't known her in so long it is hard to remember that I lived as her for so many years.

Then one day in December, I realized I was wearing the same outfit I had worn a couple of years earlier and I couldn't believe the difference.

I am really starting to see the true difference. I had made a goal that by the end of January, I would no longer be obese. On February 1st, I reached that goal!

I actually put on outfits and feel beautiful or sexy. People I have worked with for years stop me in the hall and with wide eyes tell me how much I'm changing before their eyes. Most of the time I still envision myself as the girl in the unicorn picture on the left above. I wonder how long it will take before I can envision myself as the girl on the right?

One last picture...

The boots were my gift to myself for breaking that obese barrier. I'm now proudly overweight! :-) My next goal is to lose another 5 pounds. If I do that, I will let myself splurge on a dress for my friend's Memorial weekend wedding. If I don't make it, I still get a new dress, I just have to be more reasonable. Ha!

Anyway, thank you for letting me indulge myself. Now back to the quest!

Hugs!

Monday morning blog reset

I woke up this morning feeling defeatist. If you have been with me long, you know I'm a decidedly half-full person. I'm taking a few minutes to reset and determine why I feel the way I feel.

Weekly update. I weigh every Monday. That is a stupid day for me to weigh, but I tried to change it once and it didn't stick. So, Monday it stays. I neither lost or gained any pounds this week.

Monthly update. I lost 8 tenths of a pound this month. Not great, but at least the right direction. For two months, I have lost a total of 4 pounds.

Measurement update. I didn't take measurements last month, so these are for two months (corresponding with the 4 pound loss). I lost almost 8 inches in total. Most notably, a full inch in my left arm, 1.50 inches in my bust, 2 inches in my belly, & 3/4 of an inch in my left thigh. These are truly significant changes.

Size update. I'm now in all of my "skinny" jeans. My size 12 Levis and Gap jeans fit, albeit snugly. My Cato size 10 jeans fit great. In fact, I went through the remaining items in my "too small" bin and everything I have ever worn previously fit. YAY!! The remaining items were pieces I had never actually worn before, like the size 10 Gap jeans I bought on sale in anticipation of moving down a size but never made it. It would be super awesome if I could actually get in those for the holidays.

In every conceivable measurement (scale, inches, clothes), I'm doing great. Maybe not off the charts, but certainly nothing to feel defeatist about.

So, let's talk behaviors. Fitness. I injured myself at CrossFit last week. Not horribly, just a lower back strain that I need to baby a bit, but I still am Jazzercising and walking, so nothing to be ashamed of there. This week, I'm planning at least 4 workouts which again, isn't off the charts, but certainly solid.

Nutrition. Ahem. Okay, maybe I found the problem. Since returning from Rio, I have been eating terribly. I will have a day or two here or there when I will stick to the script, but most of the time it is a free for all. I know that if I continue with this behavior, I will eventually fail at my overall goals. So, now I have admitted it to myself and put it in writing for all to see...what to do?

Fortunately, I'm still keeping to small portions, but I need to focus on protein over carbs. I also need to focus on limiting sugar. I hate tracking my food, but I plugged today's meal plan into MFP last night. My hope is that if I put it in there before hand, I will actually follow it.

Breakfast: coffee & mango keylime smoothie
Lunch: ground beef nacho casserole
Snack: mixed nuts & laughing cow
Dinner: homemade pasta dish

The mixed nuts and cheese in the casserole make the day a little high in fat, but otherwise (calories, carbs, protein), I would be exactly at target. Now I just have to be mindful.

Nothing like a Monday morning blog reset. It always puts my mind in the right place for the week!

Hugs!