Wednesday, September 16, 2015

WTF Wednesday

So, this is the third time I have started this post. The first time, I just quit. The second time I finished it but the blogosphere ate it somehow. Third times a charm?

I have been a bit frustrated. Since the beginning of August, I have been eating paleo and working out hard core. Even though I was feeling good, I was getting frustrated that I just seemed to be treading water as far as weight is concerned. So I went on vacation and used it as an excuse to behave poorly. It isn't like I went crazy, I just ate and drank what I wanted when I was hungry. I came back from vacation 5 pounds heavier. Le Sigh.

Back to the hamster wheel. I was happy that Facebook gave me a bit of a reality check though. Being frustrated that I'm treading water at this size beats the hell out of being frustrated at treading water at my former size. 

In addition to the 50 or so pounds that separate these times in my lives (the left picture is not at my heaviest and the right isn't at my lowest), there is also a significant difference in my strength and muscle tone. I may never be thin, but I can absolutely be healthy and strong. I know that this is a lifelong battle and my life will be full of resets. As annoying as it can get sometimes, it's okay. I have to believe that if I continue doing what is right, it is the best thing for my body whether or not the weight comes off.

I was telling BFF this weekend that if it wasn't for truly wanting to go hang gliding in Rio, I wouldn't even care as much. I'm learning to be happy with the body I have and working to make it strong.

I never thought I would get to the point that I didn't hate my body, but I'm actually getting there. I love that I can see muscle definition even if there is a little cushion around it. I have had two doctors lately tell me that it is obvious I work out a lot. That feels good!

However, no amount of body acceptance and love will overshadow that if I want to do this thing, I need to be lighter. The same would apply to anybody, it's not like anyone is picking on me. It is just how it is.

So, the bottom line is, how do I get that done? How do I stop losing and gaining the same 10 pounds as I have since late 2012 and actually break past it? I've tried positive rewards (like hang gliding) and negative consequences (like Diet Bet). I have tried Weight Watchers, Paleo, logging food, working out more, blah, blah, blah. What will it take for me to actually do it?

On another note, I have developed bicep tendonitis. That might also be a source of frustration. The one thing I'm good at controlling (working out) is limited. Yesterday I got up and went to CrossFit but instead of the WOD, I ran. It is dark in the mornings and it really isn't safe to run in my neighborhood, but my gym is in a really nice neighborhood with a hotel with a lot more activity in the morning. I was going to do the same today, but I didn't want to get out bed and convinced myself that I would run at lunch instead (which is fine.) Well...the work gym and locker rooms are closed. So...I have to really want it. I will have to change in our office bathroom, go outside in the heat and come back and get ready in the office bathroom. It isn't ideal, but that's what happens when you put stuff off. Tomorrow I will just get up and do what I should.

**Update** So I just went to go work out. I had to go back and forth to my office because I forgot my sunglasses, then my phone with the running app...all the things that I don't normally need to use downstairs, but need for outside running. The big bathroom stall was occupied, so I changed in the little one which is not easy, but damn it...I was running. When I was done, I went out to the sitting area where I left my bag to put on my sneakers and lo and sneakers. I just lost it. I absolutely couldn't contain the sobs. It might be the most defeated I have felt in a long time, but I dried my eyes, changed back into my work clothes and got myself together. *&$#^Q(*&^(*#!!!!!!!!! But shit happens. I will run tomorrow. **Update**

Some things I'm super happy about:

My Rangers are leading the division! Woohoo! Just a month ago, everyone had written them off. But here they are, not just fighting for a Wild Card spot, but for the pennant!! Plus we have tickets for the game tomorrow night and Saturday night. I can't wait!!
 We booked our tickets to Rio! We don't have return tickets yet, but one thing at a time. Ha! We were able to book first class to Miami then business class to Rio for an acceptable amount of miles. There was a strong chance that they were going to be charging more miles, but it didn't happen and I'm super excited. Crossing my fingers that next week will provide the same opportunity for the return flight!
 My mom has decided she is going to come for a visit next month. We always have fun when we are together, so I'm looking forward to it!
My life is really great. It seems like a weight problem should pale into comparison with everything else. Yet, it doesn't really feel that way. I just have to keep reminding myself that...




Theresa said...

I feel you sista! I would have cried too! I have gained some weight back and I'm so frustrated with myself. I know what I need to do to get back in control and yet, I don't do it! I'll be sending you good vibes, send some to me too!

MandaPanda said...

Ha! "You Da Beth!" You ARE DA BETH! I would've seriously lost my shit if that happened to me. You're right. Weight shouldn't be as controlling and consuming as it is, but for us, I think that's just how it is. Keep doing what you're doing. I KNOW it's frustrating but eventually you'll get there. Honestly...weight wise...more cardio (running instead of WOD) may be the ticket to get you lower so you can hang glide.

Lori said...

Oh man!! I am so proud of you for continuing to try to make the run happen. There must have been a reason that you weren't supposed to.

I lost the most weight (92 lbs) and kept about half of it off until my hips gave out, so that I could tandem sky dive. I was only about 20 lbs overweight, but I was uber motivated. Until recently, I haven't found anything sustainable. Now, I'm much more gentle with myself and don't freak out at mess ups.

You'll get there. You'll find the plan that is right for you and you will for sure hang glide.

Amanda Kiska said...

I have no great wisdom to impart other than thank you for sharing your struggle.