Thursday, August 28, 2014

Update & request for ideas

Today is fill day. It is the last of the three steps that I have set for myself this week.
  • Figure out and address foot/ankle pain. Check! I have been on anti-inflammatory and it seems to be working well.
  • Put CrossFit on hold and focus on Jazzercise & running. Check! I went to Jazzercise Monday and yesterday and my foot felt good. I'm skipping today because I don't typically have the energy to work out on fill days. I will Jazzercise on Saturday. Next week, I will add running to days I don't Jazzercise. More on that below.
  • Get a fill and implement band rules.
I have been having a difficult time sleeping lately. The problem isn't necessarily falling asleep, but more that I have disruptive sleep. This was one of the major things that told me I need to get my act together. It is like I'm teeter-tottering right on that line between good and bad. Five pounds this way or that makes a huge difference. I need to get myself well below that so that my normal roller coaster does not affect me as much.

I'm nervous about starting to run again. Even at my best, my running never became any easier. I am not a smooth or graceful runner and it is uncomfortable. Why do it, you ask? Nothing, and I mean nothing, helps me with weight loss like running. CrossFit, Jazzercise, power walking, elliptical...I have done it all, but nothing slims me like running. It is probably precisely the reason that my body hates it so much.

It has been so long since I have focused on it that this will almost be starting over. I had gotten to the point where I could "run" a 5K all the way through without feeling like I was going to die. It was still a challenge, but it was doable. The last 5K I ran was ugly. I can hardly run a mile without stopping. My 400-800m CrossFit warm up have even become difficult.

But...I have a choice. Suck it up and start over OR just don't. I will take it one step at a time.

On a different subject...smoothies. I am fortunate to have a smoothie store on my way to work. It has been easy breezy. Now that I'm moving, I won't have one in my area. I really need to learn to make my own smoothies. Do you make your own? What do you put in them? Do you use a blender, bullet, emulsion blender...? I really need good ideas because I have not at all be successful at this. Thank you for any suggestions!!


Tuesday, August 26, 2014


I have issues, dude. I mean, we all know that, but something just happened to me that I have to share. I took a bit of a work break to check out social media and there was an article about baking the best chocolate chip cookie. The article has pictures. My mouth started to water and my stomach started to growl. I actually looked at the picture of the cookie and could feel and taste it in my mouth. I physically had to shake my head.

Sometimes I have moments where the thought of eating something in that moment seems worth a lifetime of obesity.

Regardless of whether I do it or not, that makes me sad.


How did I get here?

January-May 2009 was a rough time for me. I guess that is when I had my early mid-life crisis. I was miserable and on a death spiral. I made some BIG decisions that year. I "divorced" some friends. I decided I was going to change how I looked at the world, less judgment, more love. I wanted to find peace. I also tried to lose weight and after about 2-3 months, instead of losing, I had gained another 10 pounds.  So, I also started exploring weight loss surgery.

By the end of 2009, I was not just talking, I was doing. I was working to make hard changes to help make me a better person internally. In January 2010, I had LapBand surgery to work on the external piece of me. Throughout 2010, I lost 80 pounds which I have kept off to this day (give or take a few pounds.) I felt great!

I continued losing in 2011 and by the summer, I was jonesing to do something new. I joined CrossFit and started making muscles I didn't even know you could make. May 2011-May 2012 was prime time! I looked and felt absolutely fabulous!  During that time I was roughly 20 pounds lighter than I am now. The difference in how I felt about myself is incalculable.

In May 2012, I had plastic surgery to clean up some damage years of obesity had done to my body. While I wouldn't change the surgery, I would change how I approached it. I couldn't work out for a long period of time, but I also started eating differently. Not badly, really, just not focusing on it 24/7. That is just a baaaaad idea for me.

If you know me at all, you know that in August 2012, I went to London for the Olympics. It was amazing. I travel a lot and expect to travel more in the future and I don't know if any trip will ever rival the magic of that trip. Perfection. Anyway, before I left on that trip, I was already creeping up on the "danger zone". By the time I got back, I weighed around what I weigh now. At that point, whether I admitted it or not, I shifted into maintenance mode. I would "work at it" now and again, but mostly, I would just roller coaster the same 10-15 pounds over and over again. I went Paleo for a while a few times, I did the My Fit Foods challenge, I did WW a couple of times, I might have done the Fresh Diet in there (can't really remember), I logged food, I wore my fitbit...etc., etc., etc. But it was the gain/lose maintenance of yore.

Also during this time, my fitness routine changed. I stopped running. I would only Jazzercise when I talked myself out of CrossFit. After a while, as much as I loved CrossFit, I wasn't going consistently enough and I wasn't doing enough outside of it to stay in shape. I'm starting to hurt feet, my knees. I'm not sleeping well either. I finally realize that physically, I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

Here is it 2 years later. I still want to lose 30-40 more pounds, but mostly I just feel bad. I would love to 40 pounds lighter. Man, would I be hot?! But I NEED to be 15-18 pounds lighter or I'm not going to start feeling any better.

Yesterday I found out about my foot/ankle (I have tendinitis but it isn't bad) so I'm good to go. I put my CrossFit on hold to get back to basics. I went to Jazzercise last night and will continue to go 3-4 times per week throughout September. I'm going to add running next week. I get a fill Thursday and I'm going to focus on all those old rules we all know and ignore (or is that just me?)

I'm not going to make any broad goals or anything. I just want to do these things from now through the end of September and then reassess. Just one day at a time.

Bottom line, I'm not the person I was when I hit my bottom in 2009, in fact, I'm far from it both physically and mentally. But I have seen a glimpse of what could be if I don't move forward. So this is me making yet another effort. I don't know if it will work or not, but I do know what will happen if I don't try.


Monday, August 25, 2014

Time to Fight


I have always judged myself on the opinion of others. About 5 years ago, it almost broke me.  I thought I was going to die. All I knew was that I hurt and even though I had a great life, I was miserable. I had a choice: die or fight. I chose to fight. I have been happier ever since. But lately, I feel myself slipping. I notice that I'm not happy, but I brush it off as a mood. I don't feel peaceful, but ignore it and tell myself that my life is awesome, suck it up. This weekend I realized that I'm spiraling. I do not feel in control and it needs to stop.

Let me back up. When I left you last, I think, I was about to start my summer of fun. And it was awesome! I wouldn't change a thing. BFF & I went to five cities over 8 weeks and had the kind of fun you work and live for. We met up with friends, met new friends and enjoyed life. When we came back from vacation, we both decided to buy condos. So we each close on our own condo and are moving next month. Talk about a big change! I'm 40 years old and I'm buying my first house.

Between buying the new house, catching up on things from basically being gone all summer, and gaining the weight that comes with vacation.  I'm overwhelmed. It culminated this weekend with me a sobbing mess. I realized two things:

1. I do not like myself at the moment.
2. It isn't because I'm fat or not working out or not packed enough or because I didn't finish a work project I was working on. It is because I quit. I quit fighting. I quit working hard to be the person I want to be inside and out.

For about half a day, I decided "f*ck it". I'm going to be lazy and fat and maybe I will just be a bitch and go work at Target, not that those two things are necessarily related. Y'all, it was pathetic and ridiculous. And I hated myself even more. But then I finally asked myself, "what are you going to do about it?"

Last week, I went to lunch with a work associate that I hadn't seen in a while. Her first words to me were, "what diet are you on now?" It affected me more than I realized. I know that I'm on this hamster wheel for the rest of my life, but it is so hard when others notice your failures (even if they don't mean it that way.)

I lost almost 100 pounds and went from running for 10 seconds and lifting 50 pounds to running a 5K and lifting well over 200 pounds. Then I gained 20 pounds and lost some of that badass unicorn-ness. The success far outweighs the failure, but the failure is all I can see.

I know that I have changed inside, but the less happy I am with my outside, the harder it is to not let myself dwell in the self pity. When I do that, I lash out at others. I KNOW it is ME, but it is easier to be mad at someone else.

So what am I going to do? I don't have a big grand plan, but I have three things I'm going to do this week:

1. I have been having foot pain for weeks. I had convinced myself that it was just pain because I'm fat. That is obviously ridiculous because I started running when I was 30-40 pounds heavier than I am now with no problem.
2. I'm getting a fill on Thursday. I need help. I have a device implanted in me that I know can work if I work too. One step at a time.
3. I put my CrossFit on hold. It isn't CF that is the problem, per se. I love it, I truly do. But right now, I cannot inspire myself to get there, so I have to figure out what to do to motivate myself. Once I figure out the foot situation, I will figure out the fitness issue. But guilt over not going to CrossFit will not be in my way. I will go back when the Badass Unicorn is ready to go back.

I still feel kind of miserable. But between a nice little lovebug session with my Leapsters this morning and writing all of this out, I do have a bit of relief. I look forward to looking at blogs over the next few days. I have been avoiding them but now I need their inspiration and motivation. I need to be back.