Boring

Maintenance is boring. Eat right, work out, sleep well, and drink water. If you do all that...nothing happens! And that is the whole point. But it is boring. There is nothing sexy and exciting about working hard to stay the same. However, I recognize its importance.

Right now I'm a size 10. Well, I guess I'm a 10. Sometimes I wear a 12, but yesterday my pants were size 8. I wear some medium shirts, but my Tshirt from this weekend fit snugly and it was an XL. I hate sizes. Today I'm wearing a large tank, medium cardigan and medium skirt, so let's just say I'm a size 10.

Why do I still feel like the fattest person in the room? I know part of it is that I do crossfit and yoga. Many times, I AM the fattest person in the room there. If I ever start to feel good about myself, a good fix is to look in the mirror at yoga. Skin pockets sticking out everywhere as sweats pools at my feet and fat bubbles muffin topping while I try to maneuver into a pose. Meanwhile, the slim lovely beside me shows no signs of sweating while her perfect body flows from one pose to the next. When it is over, I tell myself it's okay because she has been working hard to excel at this...just as the instructor gives her a 20 class bracelet. FML.

But that is an abnormal circumstance. In the everyday scenario, I'm "below average". Objectively I know that, but instinctively, I'm not there yet. BFF & I had floor seats at a Mavs game the other night. The guy next to me was pressed up against me from knee to shoulder. My first instinctive thought was "oh no! I don't fit!" I did everything I could to shrink myself. At one point late in the first half, I finally realized that I was not the problem. Heck, his butt cheek was almost on my chair! I looked over and there was space between him and the guy next to him on the other side. He was purposefully crowding me so he didn't have to touch the guy. After halftime, I came back to my seat and sat down basically using my tushie to move him out of the way. He asked me if I was okay and I smiled, took up the room I had a right to use and said I was great! He moved over and (gasp!) had to touch his friend just a little bit.

I still gingerly sit down on things petrified that I'm going to break them. I still assume that people look at me and see a fat person. My revision was one year ago yesterday. Since then I have lost 66 inches on my body including 11.5 inches on my waist and 10 inches on my hips. I have lost over 2 inches on each calf!!

What is even more astounding is that I have lost over 100 inches since I first started this journey. I have lost 18.5 inches on my waist alone. And about 8 inches on each thigh!! That is nutballs. There is no question that I take up less space. However, because I never really felt that big when I was that big, I don't think I feel this small being this small. My brain is always and forever an 18.

In September, I injured my back and had to lay off CrossFit. I started yoga and it has been doing great things for my body. BUT, I really missed CrossFit. At the end of the year, my CF box closed. All of my CF friends had moved to another close by and last week I decided to try it. The gym, coaches, programming and people are awesome!! My plan is CF twice a week and yoga twice a week with (most times) Jazzercise on Saturdays.

I look at that picture and instead of saying, DAMN Beth Ann, you are rocking it! I think "good job on hiding your upper arms and positioning yourself to look as small as possible." Heh. But then my next thought was "Damn, Beth Ann, you are rocking it!" Baby steps.

I have to remind myself that changing your brain takes a lot longer. It will come with time.  

What is important is focusing on that boring maintenance so I don't let my body catch back up with my brain first!


Hugs!