Boring

Maintenance is boring. Eat right, work out, sleep well, and drink water. If you do all that...nothing happens! And that is the whole point. But it is boring. There is nothing sexy and exciting about working hard to stay the same. However, I recognize its importance.

Right now I'm a size 10. Well, I guess I'm a 10. Sometimes I wear a 12, but yesterday my pants were size 8. I wear some medium shirts, but my Tshirt from this weekend fit snugly and it was an XL. I hate sizes. Today I'm wearing a large tank, medium cardigan and medium skirt, so let's just say I'm a size 10.

Why do I still feel like the fattest person in the room? I know part of it is that I do crossfit and yoga. Many times, I AM the fattest person in the room there. If I ever start to feel good about myself, a good fix is to look in the mirror at yoga. Skin pockets sticking out everywhere as sweats pools at my feet and fat bubbles muffin topping while I try to maneuver into a pose. Meanwhile, the slim lovely beside me shows no signs of sweating while her perfect body flows from one pose to the next. When it is over, I tell myself it's okay because she has been working hard to excel at this...just as the instructor gives her a 20 class bracelet. FML.

But that is an abnormal circumstance. In the everyday scenario, I'm "below average". Objectively I know that, but instinctively, I'm not there yet. BFF & I had floor seats at a Mavs game the other night. The guy next to me was pressed up against me from knee to shoulder. My first instinctive thought was "oh no! I don't fit!" I did everything I could to shrink myself. At one point late in the first half, I finally realized that I was not the problem. Heck, his butt cheek was almost on my chair! I looked over and there was space between him and the guy next to him on the other side. He was purposefully crowding me so he didn't have to touch the guy. After halftime, I came back to my seat and sat down basically using my tushie to move him out of the way. He asked me if I was okay and I smiled, took up the room I had a right to use and said I was great! He moved over and (gasp!) had to touch his friend just a little bit.

I still gingerly sit down on things petrified that I'm going to break them. I still assume that people look at me and see a fat person. My revision was one year ago yesterday. Since then I have lost 66 inches on my body including 11.5 inches on my waist and 10 inches on my hips. I have lost over 2 inches on each calf!!

What is even more astounding is that I have lost over 100 inches since I first started this journey. I have lost 18.5 inches on my waist alone. And about 8 inches on each thigh!! That is nutballs. There is no question that I take up less space. However, because I never really felt that big when I was that big, I don't think I feel this small being this small. My brain is always and forever an 18.

In September, I injured my back and had to lay off CrossFit. I started yoga and it has been doing great things for my body. BUT, I really missed CrossFit. At the end of the year, my CF box closed. All of my CF friends had moved to another close by and last week I decided to try it. The gym, coaches, programming and people are awesome!! My plan is CF twice a week and yoga twice a week with (most times) Jazzercise on Saturdays.

I look at that picture and instead of saying, DAMN Beth Ann, you are rocking it! I think "good job on hiding your upper arms and positioning yourself to look as small as possible." Heh. But then my next thought was "Damn, Beth Ann, you are rocking it!" Baby steps.

I have to remind myself that changing your brain takes a lot longer. It will come with time.  

What is important is focusing on that boring maintenance so I don't let my body catch back up with my brain first!


Hugs!

Society and Maintenance

I LOVE music, but I don't watch the Grammy's. The next day I look at all of the photos of the outfits and if someone gets a lot of attention for an amazing performance, I will go back and watch that as well (I'm looking at you this year, Bruno.) But I get no enjoyment from schadenfreude. If someone has a bad performance or they fell down or whatever, I don't want to see that.

This morning I checked Facebook and the big topic was Adele vs. Beyonce. Now, from what I can tell, those two lovely talented women like and support each other. I've seen no evidence that either has done anything to tear down or malign the other. So why is it that we feel compelled to pick sides? The things I have read coming from my actual friends (not just anonymous comments) are just plain ugly. We are constantly griping that society is deteriorating, but don't want to take steps to change how we approach things. And I don't want to make these comments on FB, because then doesn't that just add to the dischord?

We want our leaders to be better. We want our athletes, musicians and actors to be better. All of that starts with us being better. I don't think anyone (Obama, Trump, etc.) made us decisive. We are doing that all on our own.

*ahem* Now back to our not-so-regularly scheduled blog posting.

I have been suffering from acid reflux since my revision surgery and it has been particularly bad in the last week. I had been taking OTC omeprazole and it just didn't seem to be working. My doctor prescribed Rx pantoprazole and it didn't do much differently. They tried to switch the Rx to Nexium, but my insurance won't cover it. They then tried to switch to Dexilant but both the potential side effects and the price gave me pause.

I decided to take a long hard look at my eating/drinking habits and see if I can figure this out on my own. I have suffered from acid reflux since my 20s, but 100 pounds down, it feels like there should be something I could do regardless of my genetics.

Goals:

• Continue to eliminate soda and carbonation.
• Cut back on caffeine. Limit to one caffeinated cup of coffee each morning. Decaf only after.
• Drink more water. (This one just needs to happen anyway.)
• Eliminate fried foods completely. 
• The biggie: cut down on portion size. 

I have gotten in the habit of eating three meals instead of 5 small ones. It is just more convenient. But I think that maybe it has irritated my little banana belly. I think I'm eating the right amount of daily calories, my consistent pound a week loss since the beginning of the year tells me that. But I have to be smarter about how/when I consume. Fingers crossed anyway. We shall see.

My workouts are going great. Since they closed my CrossFit box, I decided to do more yoga. I'm inconsistent, but when I go, I love it. I think it does great things for my body and it forces me to slow down a bit. I also still go to Jazzercise on the weekends which is fun. And I supplement all that with walking/running/elliptical at lunch.

I know that maintenance is the long, boring part. This is the "never-ending" stuff. But I need to focus on it. Maybe I could even lose a few more pounds in the process.

Hugs!

Did it really happen?

I haven't blogged since October, October 3rd to be exact. Usually, if I step away from my blog for 4 months, I come back with the intention of resetting myself because I've gone astray. While my mind can always use resetting, that isn't why I'm here.

I actually came to allow myself to reflect on the amazing things that I have earned these last few months. My October 3 reset must have worked because I lost almost 5 pounds that month. And another few over the weeks that followed.

On December 6th, I reached 100 pounds lost. That journey started in January 2010, almost 7 years earlier. This is me that day:

Wow. Who is that girl on the left? I haven't known her in so long it is hard to remember that I lived as her for so many years.

Then one day in December, I realized I was wearing the same outfit I had worn a couple of years earlier and I couldn't believe the difference.

I am really starting to see the true difference. I had made a goal that by the end of January, I would no longer be obese. On February 1st, I reached that goal!

I actually put on outfits and feel beautiful or sexy. People I have worked with for years stop me in the hall and with wide eyes tell me how much I'm changing before their eyes. Most of the time I still envision myself as the girl in the unicorn picture on the left above. I wonder how long it will take before I can envision myself as the girl on the right?

One last picture...

The boots were my gift to myself for breaking that obese barrier. I'm now proudly overweight! :-) My next goal is to lose another 5 pounds. If I do that, I will let myself splurge on a dress for my friend's Memorial weekend wedding. If I don't make it, I still get a new dress, I just have to be more reasonable. Ha!

Anyway, thank you for letting me indulge myself. Now back to the quest!

Hugs!