Tuesday, August 26, 2014

How did I get here?

January-May 2009 was a rough time for me. I guess that is when I had my early mid-life crisis. I was miserable and on a death spiral. I made some BIG decisions that year. I "divorced" some friends. I decided I was going to change how I looked at the world, less judgment, more love. I wanted to find peace. I also tried to lose weight and after about 2-3 months, instead of losing, I had gained another 10 pounds.  So, I also started exploring weight loss surgery.

By the end of 2009, I was not just talking, I was doing. I was working to make hard changes to help make me a better person internally. In January 2010, I had LapBand surgery to work on the external piece of me. Throughout 2010, I lost 80 pounds which I have kept off to this day (give or take a few pounds.) I felt great!

I continued losing in 2011 and by the summer, I was jonesing to do something new. I joined CrossFit and started making muscles I didn't even know you could make. May 2011-May 2012 was prime time! I looked and felt absolutely fabulous!  During that time I was roughly 20 pounds lighter than I am now. The difference in how I felt about myself is incalculable.

In May 2012, I had plastic surgery to clean up some damage years of obesity had done to my body. While I wouldn't change the surgery, I would change how I approached it. I couldn't work out for a long period of time, but I also started eating differently. Not badly, really, just not focusing on it 24/7. That is just a baaaaad idea for me.

If you know me at all, you know that in August 2012, I went to London for the Olympics. It was amazing. I travel a lot and expect to travel more in the future and I don't know if any trip will ever rival the magic of that trip. Perfection. Anyway, before I left on that trip, I was already creeping up on the "danger zone". By the time I got back, I weighed around what I weigh now. At that point, whether I admitted it or not, I shifted into maintenance mode. I would "work at it" now and again, but mostly, I would just roller coaster the same 10-15 pounds over and over again. I went Paleo for a while a few times, I did the My Fit Foods challenge, I did WW a couple of times, I might have done the Fresh Diet in there (can't really remember), I logged food, I wore my fitbit...etc., etc., etc. But it was the gain/lose maintenance of yore.

Also during this time, my fitness routine changed. I stopped running. I would only Jazzercise when I talked myself out of CrossFit. After a while, as much as I loved CrossFit, I wasn't going consistently enough and I wasn't doing enough outside of it to stay in shape. I'm starting to hurt again...my feet, my knees. I'm not sleeping well either. I finally realize that physically, I'm at a bit of a crossroads.

Here is it 2 years later. I still want to lose 30-40 more pounds, but mostly I just feel bad. I would love to 40 pounds lighter. Man, would I be hot?! But I NEED to be 15-18 pounds lighter or I'm not going to start feeling any better.

Yesterday I found out about my foot/ankle (I have tendinitis but it isn't bad) so I'm good to go. I put my CrossFit on hold to get back to basics. I went to Jazzercise last night and will continue to go 3-4 times per week throughout September. I'm going to add running next week. I get a fill Thursday and I'm going to focus on all those old rules we all know and ignore (or is that just me?)

I'm not going to make any broad goals or anything. I just want to do these things from now through the end of September and then reassess. Just one day at a time.

Bottom line, I'm not the person I was when I hit my bottom in 2009, in fact, I'm far from it both physically and mentally. But I have seen a glimpse of what could be if I don't move forward. So this is me making yet another effort. I don't know if it will work or not, but I do know what will happen if I don't try.



Hollee said...

Welcome back to the resistance ;)

Vanessa said...

Hell Yeah!! Keep pushing.

MandaPanda said...

Hells to the yes! I have no doubt you'll find your groove again. You're taking all the right steps.