I have always judged myself on the opinion of others. About 5 years ago, it almost broke me. I thought I was going to die. All I knew was that I hurt and even though I had a great life, I was miserable. I had a choice: die or fight. I chose to fight. I have been happier ever since. But lately, I feel myself slipping. I notice that I'm not happy, but I brush it off as a mood. I don't feel peaceful, but ignore it and tell myself that my life is awesome, suck it up. This weekend I realized that I'm spiraling. I do not feel in control and it needs to stop.
Let me back up. When I left you last, I think, I was about to start my summer of fun. And it was awesome! I wouldn't change a thing. BFF & I went to five cities over 8 weeks and had the kind of fun you work and live for. We met up with friends, met new friends and enjoyed life. When we came back from vacation, we both decided to buy condos. So we each close on our own condo and are moving next month. Talk about a big change! I'm 40 years old and I'm buying my first house.
Between buying the new house, catching up on things from basically being gone all summer, and gaining the weight that comes with vacation. I'm overwhelmed. It culminated this weekend with me a sobbing mess. I realized two things:
1. I do not like myself at the moment.
2. It isn't because I'm fat or not working out or not packed enough or because I didn't finish a work project I was working on. It is because I quit. I quit fighting. I quit working hard to be the person I want to be inside and out.
For about half a day, I decided "f*ck it". I'm going to be lazy and fat and maybe I will just be a bitch and go work at Target, not that those two things are necessarily related. Y'all, it was pathetic and ridiculous. And I hated myself even more. But then I finally asked myself, "what are you going to do about it?"
Last week, I went to lunch with a work associate that I hadn't seen in a while. Her first words to me were, "what diet are you on now?" It affected me more than I realized. I know that I'm on this hamster wheel for the rest of my life, but it is so hard when others notice your failures (even if they don't mean it that way.)
I lost almost 100 pounds and went from running for 10 seconds and lifting 50 pounds to running a 5K and lifting well over 200 pounds. Then I gained 20 pounds and lost some of that badass unicorn-ness. The success far outweighs the failure, but the failure is all I can see.
I know that I have changed inside, but the less happy I am with my outside, the harder it is to not let myself dwell in the self pity. When I do that, I lash out at others. I KNOW it is ME, but it is easier to be mad at someone else.
So what am I going to do? I don't have a big grand plan, but I have three things I'm going to do this week:
1. I have been having foot pain for weeks. I had convinced myself that it was just pain because I'm fat. That is obviously ridiculous because I started running when I was 30-40 pounds heavier than I am now with no problem.
2. I'm getting a fill on Thursday. I need help. I have a device implanted in me that I know can work if I work too. One step at a time.
3. I put my CrossFit on hold. It isn't CF that is the problem, per se. I love it, I truly do. But right now, I cannot inspire myself to get there, so I have to figure out what to do to motivate myself. Once I figure out the foot situation, I will figure out the fitness issue. But guilt over not going to CrossFit will not be in my way. I will go back when the Badass Unicorn is ready to go back.
I still feel kind of miserable. But between a nice little lovebug session with my Leapsters this morning and writing all of this out, I do have a bit of relief. I look forward to looking at blogs over the next few days. I have been avoiding them but now I need their inspiration and motivation. I need to be back.