I had forgotten...

For roughly the last five years, I have had to:

• Work out consistently
• Be prepared each week with healthy food
• Focus on eating only when I'm hungry

Sometimes I had to be a little stricter than others, but it was doable. I found out during about a 6 month stretch in 2012/13, I couldn't just eat whatever, whenever without being prepared. That little experiment got me 20 pounds that I was never able to lose. But I did learn that I will always battle my weight, no matter what. But you know what? Many, many normal people out there have to work at it. I have accepted that and I'm actually cool with it.

Well, I was cool with it. Until a few weeks ago. In my last post, I expressed my happiness that the source of my headaches was found and sucessfully treated. I also mentioned my trepidation at what comes next. What I hadn't experienced yet, was what it really felt like to not have the assistance of my Lap Band anymore.

It took a few days for the swelling to subside. The cramping was gone, my headaches were gone. For a few days, I totally thought everything was roses. I had some acid reflux, but I was on over-the-counter PPIs, so I thought it would be fine. I had forgotten that I was on 80mg PPI (PER DAY!!) prior to being banded. It was one of the main reasons I had weight loss surgery. The weight loss itself was one too, but the acid reflux was a big deal.

I was lying in bed the other night trying to fall asleep when I started feeling something in my upper abdomen. For a minute I thought it had to do with my band. It was a familiar feeling, but I couldn't place it. It felt like there was a butterfly in my throat/stomach. It also at times felt like the butterfly's wings were on fire. It wasn't super painful, but it was unpleasant and there was no way I could fall asleep. I realized suddenly that it was the reflux. I had forgotten what that felt like!! I went from taking 1 pill per day to 4. FOUR pills a day and I can still feel it in the back of my throat every day. Not only is that no fun, it is dangerous.

The good news is that my pill popping is at least keeping the butterflies at bay. I have a scope scheduled for Thursday. Once I have my follow up about a week later, I will know what my options might be.

Once I got a handle on my reflux, I realized that I was still having an ache in my stomach. It was consistent in the mornings and got quite bad in the afternoons. I started really paying attention to the timing and realized that the ache went away after I ate. Holy crap, I was just hungry. I had forgotten what it was like being hungry without the assistance of my band.

I would argue that the first year after my weight loss surgery (possibly 18 months), I was less hungry than a "normal" person. But your body adjusts, and once my body adjusted to my band, I started getting hungry like anyone else. I could eat when I was hungry and be satisfied with a "normal" portion. I rarely finished what was on my plate, I lived on leftovers which was totally fine with me. Heck, it was cheaper too!

Boy...now I remember. Before I was banded, I used to joke when I was hungry that "I'm so hungry my stomach is eating itself." My friends and I will still say that to each other on occasion. But now I remember why it started.

It is a little disheartening, but honestly, I feel much better prepared to deal with these things now than I did 6 years ago. I'm stronger, I'm happier and I'm at peace. My two goals for the next two months is to work with my doctor to treat the reflux and to not gain weight.

Since the moment my sister-in-law and I walked into Olympic Park in London in 2012, I have been eagerly awaiting 2016. It is going to be an amazing year and I'm looking forward to Rio like you would not believe. I'm thankful I have this blog that I can put down a post like this and then get back to my amazing life that is not solely defined by these issues!

Hugs!

Good, Bad, & Ugly

Lots can change in a week. When last I checked in, I had just gotten a partial unfill of my band and was having horrible tension headaches.  Gradually over about 5 days after the unfill, my headaches faded. Turns out that the headaches were my body's way of screaming at me that there was something wrong.

The good news is that headaches are gone.

The bad news is that a heaping helping of acid reflux has taken their place. I will say, I can handle the reflux better than the headaches, so that's good. But long term, it is really bad for me, which brings me to...

The ugly news is that likely I will need to have my Lap Band removed. Not going to sugarcoat it, it sucks. I was unsuccessful for years in trying to lose weight and finally I found something that helped me enough that with diet and exercise, I could do it. I have kept off almost 70 pounds for years now. I do not regret this journey in any way, shape or form.

But now comes the big unknown. I will be meeting with a surgeon soon to first rule out any other possible issues and confirm that the problem is indeed, my band. Then comes the hard part, what to do next.

I'm not sure if it is coming across very well, but I'm actually in a wonderful mood. With the headaches gone, I feel like myself again. I'm bummed that I have to deal with the band issue and reflux, but I'm in a place in my life where I know that I can.

My ultimate goal is to be healthy and at peace in my life. Now I just have to determine the best course of action to make that happen long term.

I will keep you posted.

Hugs!

Quick Check In

Checking in to say that all is well in my Never-ending Questland. While it is true that the frustrations of the "never ending" part are high, it is also true that I remain steadfast in my belief that my life is awesome and if this is the worst I have to bear, then I'm truly lucky.

I've had a series of unfortunate things occur. (1.) When I ramped up my weight training, I developed shoulder tendinitis. (2.) As I was treating the tendinitis, I started having tension headaches. (3.) Monday night I got some sort of stomach bug and spent the entire night heaving and cramping. (4.) Yesterday it became clear that the stomach bug had caused a problem with my Lap Band.

Today I went and had a cc of fluid removed. It was weird because it was actually painful when they removed the fluid which has never happened to me before, even in emergency tight situations. I was uber swollen. But almost immediately I had relief, so hopefully the stomach issues will all be sorted in the next day or so.

My shoulder is most definitely healed.

Now I just have to figure out the headaches. A little of me is hoping that they will just go away. I have NEVER been a headache person so it is a bit frustrating. Why does one all of a sudden start getting tension headaches? I'm working with a chiropractor and sport massage therapist to see if that will help. I have another appointment with them tomorrow. My PCP has referred me to a pain management doctor but the appointment isn't until late November. That is a long time so I really hope the appointment ends up not being needed.

All that being said, things are really good. I'm enjoying the Rangers in the post season. We have been doing all sorts of fun stuff like was always do. Tonight we are going to a 90s band concert which should be fun! The weather should be nice and it is a great time to hang out outside in Texas.

My point of this post is to document for myself that I'm having a tough time focusing on weight loss (which is fine) but to make sure I don't go off the rails somewhere. I have had a rough (easy to feel sorry for myself) week and sometimes that can mean that I "deserve" a shit ton of carbs. I don't want to let that happen so I decided a reality check blog post would help.

Hope all is well with you out there!

Hugs!

WTF Wednesday

So, this is the third time I have started this post. The first time, I just quit. The second time I finished it but the blogosphere ate it somehow. Third times a charm?

I have been a bit frustrated. Since the beginning of August, I have been eating paleo and working out hard core. Even though I was feeling good, I was getting frustrated that I just seemed to be treading water as far as weight is concerned. So I went on vacation and used it as an excuse to behave poorly. It isn't like I went crazy, I just ate and drank what I wanted when I was hungry. I came back from vacation 5 pounds heavier. Le Sigh.

Back to the hamster wheel. I was happy that Facebook gave me a bit of a reality check though. Being frustrated that I'm treading water at this size beats the hell out of being frustrated at treading water at my former size. 

In addition to the 50 or so pounds that separate these times in my lives (the left picture is not at my heaviest and the right isn't at my lowest), there is also a significant difference in my strength and muscle tone. I may never be thin, but I can absolutely be healthy and strong. I know that this is a lifelong battle and my life will be full of resets. As annoying as it can get sometimes, it's okay. I have to believe that if I continue doing what is right, it is the best thing for my body whether or not the weight comes off.

I was telling BFF this weekend that if it wasn't for truly wanting to go hang gliding in Rio, I wouldn't even care as much. I'm learning to be happy with the body I have and working to make it strong.

I never thought I would get to the point that I didn't hate my body, but I'm actually getting there. I love that I can see muscle definition even if there is a little cushion around it. I have had two doctors lately tell me that it is obvious I work out a lot. That feels good!

However, no amount of body acceptance and love will overshadow that if I want to do this thing, I need to be lighter. The same would apply to anybody, it's not like anyone is picking on me. It is just how it is.

So, the bottom line is, how do I get that done? How do I stop losing and gaining the same 10 pounds as I have since late 2012 and actually break past it? I've tried positive rewards (like hang gliding) and negative consequences (like Diet Bet). I have tried Weight Watchers, Paleo, logging food, working out more, blah, blah, blah. What will it take for me to actually do it?

On another note, I have developed bicep tendonitis. That might also be a source of frustration. The one thing I'm good at controlling (working out) is limited. Yesterday I got up and went to CrossFit but instead of the WOD, I ran. It is dark in the mornings and it really isn't safe to run in my neighborhood, but my gym is in a really nice neighborhood with a hotel with a lot more activity in the morning. I was going to do the same today, but I didn't want to get out bed and convinced myself that I would run at lunch instead (which is fine.) Well...the work gym and locker rooms are closed. So...I have to really want it. I will have to change in our office bathroom, go outside in the heat and come back and get ready in the office bathroom. It isn't ideal, but that's what happens when you put stuff off. Tomorrow I will just get up and do what I should.

**Update** So I just went to go work out. I had to go back and forth to my office because I forgot my sunglasses, then my phone with the running app...all the things that I don't normally need to use downstairs, but need for outside running. The big bathroom stall was occupied, so I changed in the little one which is not easy, but damn it...I was running. When I was done, I went out to the sitting area where I left my bag to put on my sneakers and lo and behold...no sneakers. I just lost it. I absolutely couldn't contain the sobs. It might be the most defeated I have felt in a long time, but I dried my eyes, changed back into my work clothes and got myself together. *&$#^Q(*&^(*#!!!!!!!!! But shit happens. I will run tomorrow. **Update**

Some things I'm super happy about:

My Rangers are leading the division! Woohoo! Just a month ago, everyone had written them off. But here they are, not just fighting for a Wild Card spot, but for the pennant!! Plus we have tickets for the game tomorrow night and Saturday night. I can't wait!!

 We booked our tickets to Rio! We don't have return tickets yet, but one thing at a time. Ha! We were able to book first class to Miami then business class to Rio for an acceptable amount of miles. There was a strong chance that they were going to be charging more miles, but it didn't happen and I'm super excited. Crossing my fingers that next week will provide the same opportunity for the return flight!

 My mom has decided she is going to come for a visit next month. We always have fun when we are together, so I'm looking forward to it!

My life is really great. It seems like a weight problem should pale into comparison with everything else. Yet, it doesn't really feel that way. I just have to keep reminding myself that...

HAHAHAHA!!!

Hugs!

Dizzy as a Bee

Third day in a row at CrossFit this morning. Feeling strong, baby! Interestingly, I have been getting vertigo the last several days, weeks even maybe. But the last few days it has been particularly bad. I noticed it a lot when I turn over in bed and I get the spins. Or when I tilt my head to neti pot and get dizzy. There is no accompanying shortness of breath, nausea, or weakness...just vertigo.

I started doing some checking and apparently it can be caused by tight neck muscles. Who knew? It would make sense though because with the extra CF, my traps are rocks on top of my shoulders. I bought some essential oils a while back but hadn't used them. Last night I broke out the Panaway oil which is a mix of wintergreen, helichrysum, clove & peppermint.

I added some of the oil to some fractionated coconut oil (fyi, I don't know what fractionated means, I just know that this type of coconut oil is a liquid as opposed to the solid that I cook with...) in a roller bottle. I rubbed some on my muscles and massaged the best I could. I will do that each night and see if it helps.

Also, I scheduled a 30 minutes neck and shoulder massage tomorrow along with a 90 minute full body next week. I'm also planning to go to yoga tonight. I'm hoping that the combination of all things will make the vertigo go away.

Today's workout:

• 40-30-20-10 Kettle bell Swings - I started with 35# and got through 30 but then switched to 25#. 100 is a lot! :)
• 5-10-15-20 Handstand push ups. I tried to kick up in a handstand today which is normally no problem for me, but the vertigo just wouldn't allow it. I did my push ups off the side of the box today.
• 8:00 EMOM (every minute on the minute) 1 high hang snatch + 1 hang snatch + 1 overhead squat. I used a 55# barbell and felt quite strong for this section of the workout.

I plan to take tomorrow off, but go back on Friday then Jazzercise on Saturday.

I still don't think this pic does my hair justice, but since I chopped it off, I wanted you to see.

Hugs!