Tuesday, August 28, 2012

I used to be good at situps...

My attempt to talk myself out of going to CrossFit this morning started during Jazzercise last night.  We had an incident where one of the students fell and hurt herself.  All of the class managers jumped into action and we got her the help she needed.  I was really proud of the group as a whole!  Anyway, that was added drama and when I went back to working out after helping, I strained my back a wee bit.  I do that a lot.  It is not abnormal in any way.  But on my way home, I almost talked myself out of going to CrossFit the NEXT MORNING.

But I got home, packed my bag and made sure everything was ready.  I had a hard time falling asleep and again told myself that if I don't sleep, I can't go.  Sigh...  I got to sleep and woke up to the alarm at 5:30.  I turned on the TV and they said that there were traffic backups in the area where I work out.  Ohhh...I really must not be meant to go, right?  Bleh.  I got up and I went.

That was when discovered how painfully out of shape I really have gotten during my recovery and vacation.  As I have said many times, I wouldn't change a thing about the last several months.  But facts are facts and my body has suffered a bit on the fitness front.  It is time to get back what I lost.  During the 400m warm up jog (this takes what? 2-3 minutes) I had quit completely in my head about 10 times, decided I was never coming back, I hate this crap.  I want to be fat.

After the warm up, we did power snatches.  (Done giggling?  Okay.)  Since my back was tender, I went conservative with the weights, but by the last set, still lifted the most I have in the past.  I think I could have gone another 10 pounds or so, but I really didn't want to hurt my back and I think it was the right move.  It did, however, give me hope that my muscles have maintained somewhat and I don't need to "start over" as far as weights are concerned.

After that, we did 50-40-30-20-10 lateral hops (double unders for those more coordinated than me) and sit ups.  YAY!  Sit ups are my thing!  During most workouts, if there are sit ups, that's were I would make up ground!!  ...not today.  My abs are jello.  After the first 50, I thought I was going to die.  I'm quite sure that I did not do the full rounds of 40 & 30 which disappoints me, but I dug in to finish the 20 & 10.  I was the last one done, as usual, but I worked REALLY hard.  And for that, I will be proud.  I WAS proud, but also pissed off.  Pissed off that my abs had let me down like that.  By the end of the workout, I was again committed to getting my body back into the shape it was before and beyond. 

Sitting here now, I roll my eyes at my attempts to talk myself out of doing the one thing that is going to get me to my end goals faster and more efficiently than any other thing.  Why is it such an effort to get it done?
  • I have been in "inactive" mode.  It is hard to move to "active" mode.
  • It is REALLY early in the morning. 
  • There are lots of new people in the class that don't necessarily know that I'm working my ass off even though I finish last, modify the set, etc.
Ooooohhhhh...ding, ding, ding, I think we have a winner.  Since I have been CrossFitting, I have only gone to the 6am classes (with the exception of 2 9am classes where I knew some folks that moved from the 6am class).  I had gotten to know most of the regulars and felt "safe" and confident.  I never went to the afternoon/evening classes and I never went to Saturday classes.  I didn't go to them, because I didn't know the people that were going to be there and I didn't want to feel insecure.  That is how I'm feeling with 6am now because during my 3 month absence, the classmates have changed.  Since I have been back, I have only recognized 1-3 people each class.  It is WAY outside my comfort zone and it makes me not want to do it.

I'm here to say that I'm not going to allow my insecurities to stop me.  Not this time.  I will go to CrossFit three times per week in September.  I'm also going to try the new yoga class they are offering even though it scares the crap out of me to think about it.  No one is paying attention to the fact that I'm last or whatever.  And if they are, screw them.  I'm working hard and I want to get myself to work harder. 

I will never be younger than I am right now.  I will never be skinny.  I will never not have scars on the backs of my arms from where excess skin was removed. 


I can be in shape.  I can be smaller.  I can get my body to do things it hasn't yet been able to do.

My goal for tomorrow:  get to CrossFit. 

One Day At A Time.



Dawnya said...

You can do this!!! Screw those people. Just change their faces and imagine they are all your girls...cheering you on...singing Go Beth, Go Beth!!!

FitBy40 said...

As I'm looking at the gym schedule for Fall, I'm feeling your pain. I was new here to begin with but was going regularly until school ended. now I'm going to be 'new' all over again and I hate it. I just have to go in there like I own the place and not care! It's tough, isn't it?
I give you loads of credit for getting up that early in the morning and conquering the beast.
You can do this!

Stephanie M. said...

I'm proud of you for even setting the alarm for 5:30. Everything else is just AMAZING. You rock!

JRD said...

Gurl, I FEEL YOU!!!!!! No one is looking at you, I promise. And maybe you will LOVE the yoga - I know I did...and just remember all those people who look like they are veterens had to go to their first class at some point too. I had the exact same convo in my head this morning that you did. And honestly, I don't know why we get in our own way! It's so stupid! We just have to keep ignoring that voice - as soon as we start to entertain it, it's over. Just plug your inner ears and go LA LA LA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!! Hugs lady - you can totes do this!

jennxaz said...

that is so cool you beat the exercise Demon as I like to call it! You should be proud that as many times as you thought up excuses, you shot them down and went and worked out!!! YAY!!

MandaPanda said...

Go you! And I LOVE that you're zero'ing in on the true issue. Chances are your classmates are proud that you're showing up and getting it done. Crossfitters are surprisingly supportive. :)

Cheri said...

Hi Beth Ann, new follower here. I can so relate to feeling insecure in a "new" class, even when you know the criticism is probably only in your own mind. I really admire you for working past it and pushing on. I linked your blog in mine today, because it got me thinking!! Thanks for sharing so vulnerably and openly. xo

Elizabeth said...

You're awesome!!!! Nice work!!

Sarah said...

Great work! You seriously rock my socks off! You didn't want to...but you did it anyway! It wasn't perfect...but you did it anyway! AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS!

You make me proud to be a woman!


Michelle said...

I recently had to change gyms. I think this is what I have been going thru. I don't like it there..but no real reason why...just cause.

I think I am feeling insecure with new instructors new work out people.

Laura Belle said...

I did not giggle at 'snatches'. nope. i did not. very much at least. ;-)

Proud of you darling for pushing through! I'm so excited your back in all this again!

I hear a little birdy whispering in my ear a small thing called motivation! and that little birdy is beautiful and strong and my BethAnn!!!

Ronnie said...

The fact that you wake up at 6:00 am and do the damn thing is freakin' impressive. FREAKIN' impressive. Show's you're just as serious as anyone in that box, so nobody's thinking that you don't belong or whatever. And if they are, I'll come whoop their asses.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.