When did my goals change?

For so long, I was the fat girl in the room.  People saw me and felt sorry for me, didn't understand, or even might be angered at the sight of me.  Other people wouldn't even see me at all.  All I longed for, all I wanted was to be normal.  I wanted people to look at me and see me.  I just didn't want their first thought to be about my size.  I didn't want my first thought to be about my size.

So many years of wanting to be normal, to be ordinary and now I have realized that is no longer what I have in my sights.  Now, I think I want to be extraordinary.  Over the past few weeks, I have gotten a glimpse, a small feeling of what my body is capable of.  And I like it.

Right now, I'm a size 12 and I honestly think I have gotten my head around the fact (most of the time at least) that no one would look at me and see someone with a weight problem.  I think I look fine.  My mom taught me how to put myself together very well and how to dress well at any size.  I think today in my jeans, sporty shirt, blazer and snakeskin heels...I look pretty good.  I see more glances from guys.  More girls notice and comment on the things I'm wearing (even though it is similar to what I wore when I was bigger). 

I feel like I have crossed over into some threshold of the normal.  I'm not going to pretend that it is no big deal because that is the farthest thing from the truth.  The fact that when new people look at me, they see "this" me with no imagination of the 90 pound ago me.  I love that.  I love that I don't get underestimated so much anymore and that people think of me as a woman and not as some androgynous figure that is kinda smart and funny.

But I've gotten this little bug and I want more.  Now I don't know tangibly what that means.  I don't have a weight or even size in mind.  I'm not even sure it is about that.  Maybe it is more about what I'm able TO DO rather than how I LOOK.  I'm not sure.  I do know that I'm the happiest I have ever been.  I know that I am developing a healthier relationship with my body.  And I am starting to know that there is untapped potential in there just waiting to bust out. 

I'm still focused on "one step at a time".  I think that has really made the difference.  Focusing on what I need to do each day instead of fretting about the long road ahead.  I have slipped over the last few weeks, no question.  But by taking things in smaller steps and layering them in as I go, it has kept me from getting overwhelmed. 

Over the last six weeks, each week, I have added something or focused on something new:

• Starting CrossFit
• Using my grill for healthy eating
• Faithfully logging my calories each day
• Getting over 100 ounces of water a day
• Focusing on healthier dinner options and limiting nightly high calorie treats
• Adding morning workouts

Doing this all at once would have been so stressful.  But doing one a week, getting used to it, then adding the next one...well, that has been much better. My focus next week will be not going off the rails while my mom is here.  Nothing crazy, just making sure that I don't lose sight of everything I'm already doing while feeling like I'm on vacation...

This looks to be a nice low key weekend.  Can't wait!!

HUGS!

Oh...and how could I forget??

I was sad, sad, sad to hear from my BOOBs roomie, Kerri, that she had decided not to stay over at the hotel.  (BOO!)  She lives in the 'burbs though so she is going to come in on Saturday to visit with us.  (YAY!)  It was just the two of us, so I emailed Stephanie to figure out what I should do next.

Before I knew it, I have THREE new roomies...Stephanie, Dawnya, & Justawallflower.  What a super awesome room!!  I'm going to stay in my own room on Thursday, but then I will be bunking with these fabulous Babes on Friday and Saturday.  I couldn't be more excited!!

Only 8 more weeks, pretty ladies!!

HUGS!

I'm not a Thoroughbred, I'm a Clydesdale.

I "woke up" at 5:30 this morning and walking into the bathroom.  I'm pretty sure that I was standing on the empty floor where my scale used to be before I remembered it wasn't there.  Heh.  5:30 is early, people.  I was still slightly sleepy when I got to CF, but the 400m run warm up woke me up.  I was so happy it wasn't an 800m!  Bach's husband Butch was our trainer this morning.  Butch is probably the worst nickname for him because he totally doesn't look like a Butch, but there you go.

He isn't cruel with the warm ups, so that's nice.  He did have us do some sprints though so I started wondering if Pres is actually emailing him and telling him to make me run more.  I seriously hate to run.

The first part of class, we worked on dead lifts.  Last time we did them, my lower back hurt for a week (at least) and I told Butch that.  So he had me go light on the weight and he checked out my form.  He said that I'm doing them perfectly, and just to see how my back feels the next couple of days.  If all is well, go up in 10 pound increments.  I was only lifting 55#, so it felt light and I think I will be good to go.

The WOD was the most awesome one I have done so far.  We used sleds and prowlers.  Sleds are just these super small sleds and you stack weights on them.  You pull them with long straps that are attached.  The prowler is a smaller version of the thing you see football players pushing down the field.  I started pulling 90# on the sled and it was no problem.  I did 3 more pulls on the sled at 135# (which was the same as the other girl in the class & a couple of the guys.)  Honestly, the hardest part for me was trying to run backwards on the return trip.

The prowler had 180# stacked on it.  The first time up, one of the girls told me I should probably take off one of the 45# weights and I started to do that.  A couple of the guys started encouraging me to just try it at 180#.  You know me...what the hell, right??  I KICKED THAT THING'S ASS!!  I pushed it all the way down AND all the way back at a light jog.  That is where the title of the post comes from.  I'm probably never going to beat anyone in a speed race, but load me down and I can power through.  I felt like Wonder Woman!!  I did it 2 or 3 more times with all of the weight.  So proud!

If you would have told me a couple of years ago (hell, a year ago) that I would be doing 6am workouts like this, I would have laughed.  No freaking way.  First of all, I don't get up that early!  But here I am.  If you are sitting there shaking your head thinking you can't do this, stop.  You can or at least you will be able to.  Just start somewhere (like I did with Jazzercise) and keep pushing.  I'm such a better Jazzerciser now that I have done CF and I know that I CF better because of Jazzercise. 

It is all about finding the thing that makes you want to do it again.  I tried morning running and I just coudln't get myself to do it more than once.  But what I have determined is that I HATE running.  It is not the right exercise for me.  But CF & Jazzercise where things are always changing IS right for me.  I'm already looking forward (with a slight amount of dread which isn't all bad) to Friday.  :)

Hugs!

No Scale August has begun!

Last night was odd.  I apparently don't even realize how much I weigh myself.  I wonder if I do it sometimes and it doesn't even register in my brain.  If nothing else, maybe this exercise will break those silly habits.  I wasn't upset when I couldn't weigh this morning, but I will say that it felt weird.  :)

I'm proud of Fitness July.  It really got me back into a better routine.  I worked out 31 different days for a total of 1230 minutes.  That means for EVERY day in July, I averaged almost 40 minutes.  EXCELLENT!  Now that I'm in the routine, let's see if I can beat it in August!  But I would be perfectly pleased if I continued at July's pace, especially if I can continue to do well with my healthy eating!

I'm wearing my size M cardigan from the Gap today.  That is a good feeling!  I'm going to really focus on my healthy eating today because I'm not working out AT ALL today.  Tuesday's are going to be break days in August.  I'm not going to know what to do with myself after work.  It is the first time in a really long time that I don't have a class or something else to do.  I'm guessing I will find something!! 

Hope you all have a fun and productive Tuesday!

Hugs!

Weekend Recap

It was such a nice weekend!  Friday after work, BFF and I met some friends from Jazzercise for dinner.  Before we met up with them, we had time to shop.  I bought a size 12 jacket from Stein Mart and it is so cute!  I also got size 12 jeans and size M sweater from the Gap!  I had fit into size 12 jeans from Cato & Levis for a while, but it is so cool to walk in to a store and be able to pick up a size 12.  And a M??  That's kind of new for anything besides a layering tank.  What a nice feeling!!!

Dinner was delicious and it is always fun to hang out with people you care about.  I was good and ate grilled pork loin with vegetables.  I did have two drinks, but they were small and I counted the calories!

Saturday started with CrossFit which was so awesome that it got its own post.  (See previous entry.)  After class, I was bouncing off the walls.  I ran some errands, got my hair done, and made paella before BFF & I decided to go to the movies.  We went to see Horrible Bosses which I thought was funny.  I'm not going to lie, I did have some movie popcorn for my treat of the week, but along with everything else I logged the calories.

Sunday, after church, BFF, Armstrong (as in Lance because my friend is a big biker) and I went to the lake to meet some friends.  I realize that going to the lake is a good old summer activity, but it is just too darn hot to be outside, in my opinion.  The rest of the day was full of errands and chores then ended with BFF's birthday dinner of seafood paella and some malbec wine.  Again, every calorie accounted for.

Today begins No Scale August.  I took my starting weight this morning and I will not weigh again until Wednesday, 8/31.  The scale is going to Auntie Lizard's house for a little vacation.  Or for a time out.  The little a$$hole told me that I did not lose ANYTHING for the week and I gained 2.4 pounds for the month.  I will give that a big, fat (literally!) WHAT-EVAH!  I counted everything that went in my mouth conservatively and monitored all calories burned.  By my calculations, I should have lost over a pound this week.  After a short moment of frustration, I charged ahead.  I know I'm doing the right things.  My body is better off than it was four weeks ago.  Things are fitting better and I know I look tighter although my measurements aren't really reflecting that either.  I can't explain the crazy gain numbers (especially since I was over 5 pounds below that number on Friday.)  But I don't care.  I will continue to do what I know is right.

Not to bury the lead, but I went to 6am CrossFit this morning!!  WOO-freaking-HOO!!  Getting up at 5:25am was tough, but it is "only" an hour and 20 minutes before I usually get up, so I think it is going to be doable.  I got to my very first Big Kids class and the trainer was super nice.  In fact, every person in the class was super nice.  The Hotness goes in the evening so he wasn't there, but I'm sure I will live.  There were 4 other girls and about 8 guys in the class.  We warmed up with an 800m run and some calisthenics.  I was absolutely drenched in sweat and I asked the trainer when the warm up stops feeling like a work out.  The girl next to me said "never."  Heh. 

We did 3 sets of 5 and 3 sets of 3 ring dips.  This is where you hold your body off the ground holding onto rings and dip down, pushing yourself up again.  I can't even get an inch of the floor without assistance, so I looped a giant rubber band between the two rings so I can put my knee on it.  This gives me enough support that I can do full extensions on the dips, but it is still hard.  There was a nice (cute!) guy that helped with some form and he and the trainer were very encouraging.  It is always nice not to feel judged!

The WOD was 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1 Hand Power Cleans (this is where you lift the barbell from your knees to your chest.  It is an Olympic lift.)  and 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 burpees (this is where you squat, throw your legs out, lay chest down on the floor, push up, then jump to your feet, clapping your hands over your head.  Exhausting!)  So, I did 10 HPC's, then 1 burpee, 9 HPC's, then 2 burpees...etc.  At the round of 8 burpees, I switched to squat thrusts (which is acceptable scaling even though I prefer to do the prescriped workout) which takes out the push up part.  I was EXHAUSTED!!  But I finished.

I was in the car and on the way to work by 7am.  I showered in the locker room at work and got ready in my office. I was ready to go by 8am.  Perfect!  I will need some things in order to make this a little easier (I had like 5 bags I had to bring to work this morning!)  But if I go 3x per week in the mornings for 2 full weeks, I'm going to reward myself with a 2nd set of basic makeup.  This is actually quite expensive, but it will make it so much easier. 

Goals for last week/weekend

• 5250 calorie deficit for the week  (missed this, but I had a 3,747 calorie deficit for the week)
• Finish Fundamentals class and beat original WOD  (check!)
• Go to 6am Monday morning CF  (check!)

Goals for this week/weekend

• 5250 calorie deficit for the week
• M-W-F 6am CrossFit
• 2-3 Jazzercise classes

I have three work lunches this week, so the calorie deficit is going to be challenging, but I will give it my all!!

Have a great week, my friends!

HUGS!