Thursday, August 4, 2011

When did my goals change?

For so long, I was the fat girl in the room.  People saw me and felt sorry for me, didn't understand, or even might be angered at the sight of me.  Other people wouldn't even see me at all.  All I longed for, all I wanted was to be normal.  I wanted people to look at me and see me.  I just didn't want their first thought to be about my size.  I didn't want my first thought to be about my size.

So many years of wanting to be normal, to be ordinary and now I have realized that is no longer what I have in my sights.  Now, I think I want to be extraordinary.  Over the past few weeks, I have gotten a glimpse, a small feeling of what my body is capable of.  And I like it.

Right now, I'm a size 12 and I honestly think I have gotten my head around the fact (most of the time at least) that no one would look at me and see someone with a weight problem.  I think I look fine.  My mom taught me how to put myself together very well and how to dress well at any size.  I think today in my jeans, sporty shirt, blazer and snakeskin heels...I look pretty good.  I see more glances from guys.  More girls notice and comment on the things I'm wearing (even though it is similar to what I wore when I was bigger). 

I feel like I have crossed over into some threshold of the normal.  I'm not going to pretend that it is no big deal because that is the farthest thing from the truth.  The fact that when new people look at me, they see "this" me with no imagination of the 90 pound ago me.  I love that.  I love that I don't get underestimated so much anymore and that people think of me as a woman and not as some androgynous figure that is kinda smart and funny.

But I've gotten this little bug and I want more.  Now I don't know tangibly what that means.  I don't have a weight or even size in mind.  I'm not even sure it is about that.  Maybe it is more about what I'm able TO DO rather than how I LOOK.  I'm not sure.  I do know that I'm the happiest I have ever been.  I know that I am developing a healthier relationship with my body.  And I am starting to know that there is untapped potential in there just waiting to bust out. 

I'm still focused on "one step at a time".  I think that has really made the difference.  Focusing on what I need to do each day instead of fretting about the long road ahead.  I have slipped over the last few weeks, no question.  But by taking things in smaller steps and layering them in as I go, it has kept me from getting overwhelmed. 

Over the last six weeks, each week, I have added something or focused on something new:
  • Starting CrossFit
  • Using my grill for healthy eating
  • Faithfully logging my calories each day
  • Getting over 100 ounces of water a day
  • Focusing on healthier dinner options and limiting nightly high calorie treats
  • Adding morning workouts
Doing this all at once would have been so stressful.  But doing one a week, getting used to it, then adding the next one...well, that has been much better. My focus next week will be not going off the rails while my mom is here.  Nothing crazy, just making sure that I don't lose sight of everything I'm already doing while feeling like I'm on vacation...

This looks to be a nice low key weekend.  Can't wait!!



Amanda said...

YOu are awesome!!

I feel so good now a days that I can't imagine how i will feel in 25lbs are gone! So excited about that day! Oh and I love clothes so much more now!

Ronnie said...

You're awesome! I hope one day to be as committed to bettering myself and loving myself as is as you are. :)

Shannon said...

wow! you are such an inspriation!

I love the way you are taking it one step at a time. Good luck with your mom :)

Samantha said...

Very much an inspiration. Thank you.

Laura Belle said...

Dang, you kick booty girl!

I just love your insight and strength and charisma!


Leslie said...

You rock.

I like the idea of adding one thing per week. I might have to think of some things that I can do differently one week at a time.

~Lisa~ said...

I love that you want more - you want to push yourself, because you see what you are capable of doing! That is called "living" and it's a realllyy good thing!

Andrea said...

I love this!

Cat said...

I am so very proud of you. I think you have it right that small changes over a period of time is the way to make lasting changes! Yep...still my hero!

Stephanie M. said...

I love your positivity!