I think I'm over my recent pity party. I think. I believe I understand why I'm so sad right now anyway.
I'm both a pragmatist and dreamer. It is a bit of an odd combo. I'm also shy yet an extrovert. I have never fit a mold.Several years ago, I came to the profound realization that I cannot control everything. Heh. It seems so obvious, but once I realized that and started working on the person I wanted to be instead of worrying how other people felt about me, my life changed dramatically.
That internal transformation took place in the same time period that I decided to have weight loss surgery. So as I had this awakening of peace, love and happiness, I also got thinner. While I was starting to accept myself more, society was accepting me also. At the time, I didn't distinguish between the two.
I lost almost 100 pounds in the first 18 months. It was exhilarating! I could work out like a beast! I was running! Life was AMAZING!! Plus, I was looking hot. I can't say for a second that wasn't awesome.
I remember almost the exact moment I thought I was "done". I had "fixed" myself inside and out. So now I can just live a "normal life". In the next 5 months, I gained 20 pounds. Just like that. That is when I came to terms with the fact that mine was truly a never-ending quest. I figured out that I would always have to fight this fight and whether I realized it or not, it was BOTH external AND internal. And that was okay. I could do that. And for four years I did.
I worked out hard. I would have to diet and focus on my food. I had to get myself to church to focus my head because that helps ME. I had to work on judging people. I had to continue to fight for peace within. But I did. Every day.
When my band slipped in October, I didn't really know how things would play out. I had this new philosophy, I was healthy, I was peaceful. But pretty quickly, I started losing the fight. I have gained 15 pounds in three months. I was ashamed. I am ashamed. When I started researching revision, I thought I just needed a fix to my reflux which I no doubt need. But I got a lap band for a reason and it is clear now that I need that help.
All that sadness and shame and the feelings of being out of control of my own body made me sad. What I'm starting to realize though is that I can't let my weight loss struggles affect my fight to be a better person internally. Just because those changes mirrored each other for a while does not mean they are the same thing.
This too shall pass... And when it does, I will come out the other side better for having faced my demons and slaying those sons of bitches. In the meantime, I will do my best to ignore the pains, the embarrassment and the frustration and instead I will focus on my intelligence, my compassion and my choice to be happy every single day.
I'm sure I'm going to need to give myself a few more pep talks before this madness is over. But that's okay. In the end, I know I'm worth the struggle.
Sidenote: read this blog post today and cried my eyes out. It is like I could have written the thing myself. I love reading Holly's blog and you might like it too.