Monday, February 1, 2016

Monday Refocus

Another Monday and another promise to myself that I will work at my nutrition and fitness this week. Last week went awry with the whole pH probe, so I'm getting myself "righted" again. Never ending quest, you know...

Regarding the pH test, I'm a little nervous. I didn't really feel like I had bad symptoms on Friday. But Friday and Saturday? Totally horrible symptoms. I'm concerned I wasn't off the PPI medication long enough. But honestly, there is nothing I can do. So I will just wait for the results and know that it is out of my control.

 Neighbor update for those that have asked: I made a smoothie one morning a couple of weeks ago and didn't have any issue. Since the smoothies weren't filling me up in the morning, I suspended smoothie making until I have a surgery date. Also, I may or may not have previously mentioned that I spoke with the regional property manager for my apartments. She doesn't work at the property, but she is the boss of those that do. I told her what had happened so far and she said that they would absolutely handle it if the knocking persisted. Now that I know that the management folks will support me AND I have had no knocking incidents since the original smoothie day, I have less of a concern.

I saw this on a Facebook friend's timeline the other day...

If I'm honest, right now I want to get bitter. I don't feel well. I'm gaining weight. I'm hungry all the effing time. I had gotten past all this, damn it. I felt good! I was in shape! My eating wasn't perfect, but it was really good! And it feels like almost overnight it was snatched from my little pterodactyl arms. This weekend, I started to really feel the scars underneath my arms start to pull. My skin is literally hurting. My fat clothes fit like sausage casings. I'm not proud. It is freaking embarrassing.

I win things. I'm successful. I DO NOT FAIL AT SH*T.

I don't think that I feel sorry for myself. I just get pissed at myself. I mean, just do it, damn it. Sigh. Anyway, just so you know, I know how freaking awesome my life is and I DO choose to not allow things to tear me down. That is what this blog is for me, a place to let it all out so in real life, I can focus on the things that matter.


I'm not successful ever single day. But this is the spirit of my blog. Making myself take a long look and decide if I'm headed on the right path. Right now, I am not. But I'm not hiding or quitting. Just acknowledging it and assessing what can be done. Right now I think I need a lot of patience and some mental fortitude.

I will close today's mess of a post with this... just typing all of this out helps. It is like a burden lifts from me. Like the magic unwinding of a rope wrapped around my being. It's like I can take all of my thoughts and throw them into the abyss of the internet and they can no longer hurt me.

Now I can go Jazzercise in peace!



Amanda Kiska said...

Diets are unsuccessful for practically everyone so don't beat yourself up. There is a reason we needed surgery to recover.

Also don't worry about the test. Even though you didn't have a lot of symptoms, I guarantee you things were not "normal" in there. The results will show it.

Amy W. said...

I just had to play catch up with a couple of your posts. I am eager to hear what the results are from the PH test (probably not as eager as you). Don't beat yourself up too much about the diet and exercise...bc Amanda is right and I just wonder if it won't always be a battle for us. But we are still winning at it ya know?