I'm ready.

I'm not sure if I came to a decision or if the decision came to me.  I really thought a lot over the weekend about what I want. 

What I truly want is to be able to eat healthy things, work out and live a healthy and balanced lifestyle.  Unfortunately, I have determined (and history supports) that isn't something I can seem to consistently do.  What else does history say?  I mean, I have a blog and have had for over four years.  What was I doing when I was losing and what was I doing when I wasn't?

I spent a lot of time reading old posts.  One post in particular really stuck out for me.  When I wrote that post, I was 20 pounds less than I am now.  Those 20 pounds seem to be the barrier between general discomfort and hope. 

I read this post several times and tried to feel out where I am now. 

1. I've addressed the health reasons recently and I'm still super great in that department!  The one negative is that with the extra weight, my body (particularly my knees and feet) are hurting more with exercise.
2. I'm still a 14-16.  With the muscle building I have done the last few years, I think I would get to the same size as I was in that post losing less than 20 pounds.  But I'm still a far cry from the 22-24 I was or even the 18W that I spent so much time in.
3. This one is the key.  I'm just not comfortable.  I discussed that before.  I have lost confidence.
4. Control...hmmm, yeah, definitely don't feel in control of my weight.  It is definitely controlling me.
5. That means that it is starting to dictate my choices.  That is NOT acceptable.  

I really focused on reading the posts that I wrote during successful weight loss months.  What did those posts have in common?

• I hardly wrote a thing about what I ate. 
• I was restricted band-wise.
• I had a large focus on working out.
• I still had a lot of ups and downs and fought bad eating the same way I do all the rest of the time.  :-)

Why have I been resisting a fill?

• My most common response about not getting a fill is that it limits what I can eat.  With proper restriction, I can't eat many meats and vegetables and other healthy items.
• If I'm honest with myself, my other reason is that I won't get to enjoy many of the restaurants we go to.

Let me pro/con these.  First...healthy eating.  I do agree that long term, I don't want to live on a "band" diet.  I just don't.  If I were at or near my goal weight, I wouldn't even be having this conversation with myself.  That is not to say I have ANY judgement whatsoever about anyone that chooses otherwise.  I'm a strong believer in everyone doing what is right for THEM, other people's judgements be damned.  I want to eat an 80/20% paleo diet.  I cannot do that with band restriction.

That said, I have no issue with myself using the band (again, still, some more) as the tool it is intended to be.  Let's be real, if someone told me to take a pill that guaranteed that I would lose weight, but it might have negative effects way long term...I would totally do it.  So, yes, healthy eating is important, but it is relative.  I don't HAVE to eat unhealthy with band restriction.  It is just harder for me.  This is just not an issue that in the short term should keep me from doing everything I need to do to be successful.   

Now, to my hot button.  Enjoying food.  When I got back and read all my posts from the weight loss months, I still went out.  A lot.  I ate what I could, but it was all in moderation and while it is true that there were a lot of things I couldn't eat.  I can't say that I didn't care, I did.  But I was losing weight and making choices that would help toward that end.  I was getting control of myself and I was happy.  So this reason is bullsh*t too.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting a fill.  I'm going to do my very best to go into this with the vigor and commitment I know I can have. 

Tomorrow night, BFF & I have dinner plans with friends.  I think BFF was a little disappointed that I was getting a fill and said that basically she would go wherever I wanted.  I told her that I was going to get a smoothie and we could go anywhere.  She was afraid if they ate pizza that I would be sad.  Is it super fun being the one drinking a smoothie when everyone else is eating pizza?  No, of course not.  But like I told her, I have a choice.  And today I'm making the choice to fight.  I will not be comfortable at this weight.  I will not settle for "fine." 

Today, I'm committing to myself that I care more about my body than I do about food.  I won't be perfect, but I will not let perfect be the enemy of good.

Let's do this.

Hugs!

Contemplating the Balance

Yesterday felt good.  Just laying it all out there for myself was cathartic.  I'm still not 100% sure what my decision or plan will be going forward long term and I'm okay with that.  It will come. 

I made some great choices yesterday.  I avoided the department that housed the peanut butter brownie pizza.  I ate my yogurt with some fruit while most everyone else had cupcakes.  And I made the decision to pack for CrossFit even though

1. I had already gone 3x this week.  (But I had only gone twice a couple of weeks in March, so I had some sessions to spare.)
2.  My accountability partner person texted me right before I went to sleep that she wasn't going.  (But that didn't mean I shouldn't!)
3.  The scheduled workout was ridiculous.  (I told myself that I just needed to get there and even if I did a 1/4 of it, that was better than skipping.)

Then I sat down and planned out my meals for today.  I NEVER do that for Fridays.  BFF & I spoke and decided on Rockfish for lunch and Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (x2), 2 boiled eggs and 1/2 chicken burger patty  (I only had 1 egg the rest of the week, but yesterday I really struggled with hunger.  I'm debating eating just one at breakfast and having the other later if I do get hungry.)
Lunch:  Rockfish healthy menu, cup of gumbo, scallops, new potatoes & asparagus. 
Snack:  Yogurt
Dinner:  Crab legs (yum!)
Snack:  Grapes

If I can stick to this plan, it will be one of the most successful Fridays I have had in a long time.  You know what else was a success?  Last night's sleep.  I had 94% efficiency which is super awesome for me. 

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  Check!  I scaled the planned workout to 21-15-9 Thrusters 55# & Burpees.  I finished in 12:10.  It was brutal even scaled (to just over 1/2).  I was so impressed with the people that were doing it all (21-18-15-12-9-6-3).  Amazing.

I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm upset or giving up or anything of that sort.  I'm just trying to find the balance I want and be realistic about what I can reasonably expect from my efforts.

Hugs!

Crossroads - what do I want?

I feel a bit as if I'm at a Crossroads today.  Last week, when the hormones took over and I was just done and had accepted that "I would just be a fat cat lady forever", I didn't worry.  I took it for what it was, got through it and got back on track.  What I'm feeling this week is a little different.

After my 2012 weight gain settled and I refocused, I have done a great job of maintaining.  But I haven't really lost much of what I gained.  The thing I have to figure out is whether my life is awesome enough as it is and continue as I am with the expectation that I will maintain.  Or do I truly want to lose weight and am I willing to change something to make that happen?

I've talked before about how much healthier I am now than at almost any other time in my life.  I work out (a lot!) regularly, I eat healthily about 80% of the time and I no longer need medications or specialty equipment (think CPAP) for anything other than allergies.  I have come so far from where I was that sometimes I forget to appreciate it. 

The reasons I feel like I want to and should lose more weight:

1.  The biggest number one reason is that I don't feel comfortable at this size.  When I was 20 pounds lighter, I felt like I blended in.  At this weight, there is never a time where I don't feel like the fat girl.  I remember what it felt like before and I miss that.

2.  My workouts would be so much easier on my knees if I lost weight.  I was faster and even stronger, I think, when I was leaner.

3.  Clothes.

4.  I think I would sleep better.

5.  Do I need more reasons?  I think that first one sums up the true reason I want to keep fighting.  Everything else is just words...

Okay, so I have been logging my food now religiously (no pun intended) since Ash Wednesday.  What do I see?

1.  Weekends.  This continues to be my biggest struggle. 

2.  Nope, #1 is pretty much it.  Although I do notice that I have a hard time saying no to things when they are offered during the week.  It just doesn't happen as often.

I can say all sorts of things here about how I plan to do this or that, but until I show some action for more than one week in a row, things aren't going to change.  What do I really want? 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream, boiled egg, 1/2 chicken burger patty
Lunch:  Pie Five pepperoni & veggie thin crust pizza
Snack:  Greek yogurt*
Dinner:  Enchilada Casserole with dollop of sour cream

* The snack gets an asterisk because today we are having cupcakes in the afternoon.  Will I be able to forgo cupcakes for my yogurt?  This is literally a perfect example of what I'm talking about.  If I eat my yogurt (and the rest of what is listed above), I'm perfectly within my calorie range for the day.  In fact, I have a few calories left over if I want some fruit after dinner.  If I eat the cupcake, I am not.  Simple as that.  What do I want?

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  Check!  Clean Pulls 3x6 115#, Press 1 + 1/2 rep 10x 90#, 4:00 AMRAP Power Snatches 65#, 31 reps

I told my friend at CrossFit that I would go tomorrow if she would and she committed.  So now I just have to get my booty up and go!  Again...what do I want?

Hugs!

Well, that wasn't what I meant to do.

I have a headache this morning because I have a bit of a hangover.  We went to Ojeda's (delicious!) for Debi's birthday last night.  My intention was an appropriate amount (is there really one?) of chips and queso, tortilla soup and a skinny margarita.  Seems reasonable?  I ended up with the appropriate amount of chips and queso, veggie fajitas (not terrible), TWO skinny margaritas and one sopapilla. 

I definitely went over my calories for the day, but with my two workouts, I came very close to breaking even (within 150 calories.)  So, not something that is great on day #2 of a "reset", but it is reasonable for a celebration which is what it was.  I'm so fortunate to have found such a great friend in Debi and I was thrilled to celebrate her birthday!!

As I was passing out in bed (BFF was the DD!), I remembered I hadn't logged my sopapilla and decided I would remember to do it when I woke up.  I couldn't fall asleep until I did it.  Ha!  At least I'm developing that good habit. 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  Latte, 1/2 chicken burger, boiled egg
Lunch:  enchilada casserole with dollop light sour cream
Snack:  Greek Yogurt
Dinner:  Hamburger patty with stir fry veggies

Today's Fitness Plan:
Lunch:  15:00 Treadmill (include at least 1 tabata, maybe 2), 25 Push ups, 50 Sit ups, 75 Air Squats

I'm going to go take an Advil now.  :-)

Hugs!

Randomicity

For only the second time since I got my new Fitbit, I broke 90% sleep efficiency last night.  I wish I knew what I did so I could make that happen again!

Does anyone watch the Good Wife?  I got caught up last night and OMG!!!  I love that show.

I ate two cookies yesterday. They were Tiff's Treats which are awesome.  They fit in my calorie allotment for the day, I mean not the best choice of use for the calories nutrition-wise, but it worked out.  They were delicious, by the way.

I'm feeling a little random. 

I'm taking one of my besties out to dinner for her birthday.  Some of you know Debi.  She is thebomb.com.  BFF & ShareBear are coming too.  YAY!

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (multiple servings are getting to be a habit...2x), boiled egg, 1/2 chicken burger patty
Lunch:  enchilada casserole with a dollop of sour cream
Snack:  Greek yogurt
Dinner:  We are going out for Mexican.  I know I will eat chips and queso, so I wonder if I can get myself to just have tortilla soup for dinner?  I like it.  Hmmm...let's see if I can make that happen.

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  check!  More below.
Lunch:  I'm going to try doing the walking and reading thing again.  I'm reading the Shining and it is getting super creepy, so I would rather read while I'm working out than when I'm home alone about to go to sleep!

CrossFit was good today.  I mean, the workout was full of things I don't like, but I would never get myself to do these things regularly...that's why I go to CrossFit.  After a quick warm up, we worked on the rings.  Have you ever tried ring dips?  I'm just too damn heavy.  Ugh.

Workout:  4 rounds, interval style (meaning rest as needed between rounds):  400m run, 5 Deadlifts, 10 Burpees.  I scaled the 400m runs to 200m runs which meant I could keep up with everyone.  I lifted 125# on the deadlifts which was only 10# below Rx.  I did the burpees true to form.  Burpees suck.  I don't think some of the girls I work out with realize that me doing burpees is like them doing them with a 50-80# vest.  But gosh darn it, I did every single one of those mofo's. 

We ended with GHD situps.  The GHD's were all taken, so I did 30 regular situps.  I've gotten into a habit of doing 50 situps at lunch after I do whatever I do, so I will do that again today.

I'm feeling Spring start to come in the air and that makes me happy!

Hugs!