Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What is it that I want?

Yesterday's post really started me thinking.  I know...dangerous!  But I spent a lot of time yesterday really focusing in on what it is that I really want.  Why did I do this?  What did I expect to gain (or lose) from it?  Am I on the right path? 

I obviously had LapBand surgery because I wanted to lose weight.  But why?
  1. Health reasons top the list.
  2. Look better.
  3. Feel more comfortable in my own skin.
  4. Feel more in control.
  5. Stop letting weight dictate my life choices.
A quick look at this list tells me that my top 5 reasons for doing this has nothing to do with a specific number on the scale or size.  Things are rarely that black or white and it is important to look at the abstract.

1.  Health.  I've covered this some lately, but my health has DRASTICALLY improved.  My sleep apnea is gone and I no longer sleep with my CPAP.  YAY!  My blood pressure is below normal.  My back and feet rarely hurt even with A LOT of exercise and when they do, they heal quickly.  The only things I'm battling at the moment are high sugars, high cholesterol & low B-12.  I have started taking B12 supplements so that should get better.  I'm not sure that I can modify my diet much more than I do now, so I will have to rely on my doc to help me with the sugars & cholesterol.  If I have to take meds, I have to take meds.  But at least I know I'm doing everything I can to stay healthy. 

2.  Look better.  I went from bulging out of a 22W to a Misses 12-16 range.  Sometimes I still feel fat, but I'm sure that will always be the case.  No worries.  Objectively, I know there is a vast difference.  I get more male attention which is fun.  And I can shop in any store I want!  That is just super fun.

3.  Comfortable.  I think this is what has by far had the most impact on me currently.  I can sit down in a chair and not worry if I'm going to break it.  I don't have to worry about airplane seatbelts or fitting into a booth.  I don't feel like I'm going to damage a treadmill by running on it.  I rarely get the "fat girl" feeling in a room.  I smile more and I know that I send out much more confidence in myself than I did before.  I have always been confident about what was on the inside, but I have never been confident of what was on the outside.  That is all changing now.

4.  Control.  It is amazing how much more in control I feel about all aspects of my life now that I feel I have control of my weight.  I do think it is time for me to start making some non-weight oriented goals.  One thing that is bugging me...I don't typically get home until 8pm(ish) in the evening and I feel like I need to eat right away so I can avoid any acid reflux issues when I go to bed.  The problem is that once I'm done eating, I remain sitting on my butt in front of the TV.  Not that there's anything wrong with that sometimes, but I do it every evening.  I have so much that I could be doing around the apartment.  I'm a clutterer and I would love to get myself more organized, but the only time I would be able to do that is the time between dinner and bed.  I have to find a way to get myself moving.  Any thoughts?

5.  Weight dictating choices.  This just no longer applies.  Well...it might apply slightly in that I'm probably not ready for a pool party with just anyone yet.  But I'm getting there!!

All in all, I realize that this whole journey is amazing.  It does have to do with sizes and weights, but it is SO much more than that.  The further I get down the road, the more I realize how much of a better person I can be.  The more I know how to do that, the more I like myself.  And I know the more I like MYSELF, the more others around me will like me. 

So, now that I feel that I'm on the right path, I need to start getting a little more specific with my non-weight oriented goals.  Now that I have a routine, I don't need to focus so much energy on losing weight...not because I'm giving up, but because I'm living it.  This is my life now and I'm comfortable with it.  Now I'm ready to add something new!



Stacey said...

Great list, you have come so far. Especially in the last few weeks. Acceptance of yourself is a huge step!

Pamela E. Williams said...

Nice! This post is very thought provoking as the one yesterday was.

Amanda said...

Great post~

Laura Belle said...

You are absolutely right! i just wrote a post whining about how my 'numbers' suck, when in reality it's not supposed to be about numbers, it's supposed to be getting healthier!

I definitely need to realign my focus.

Thanks again for another great post, one that I feel really 'speaks' to me. Two days in a row. You rock!

Lyla said...

You're one smart mama.

Remembering all of the gains and the fact that your life has changed for the better and you are LIVING the dream right now, even though you might not want to stop at the scale yet, is so important. I think this mindset will allow us to enjoy life now, rather than continuing to live for that mythically perfect weight future that may or may not ever come.

Ronnie said...

I love this, I sometimes wonder why I did this (though not for long), and most of it doesn't have to do with a specific number on the scale either, although hitting "goal" weight would be amazing.

I think it's so great how much more confident you are, that's something you definitely can't put monetary value on. :)

Tori said...

I also LOVE this. And I find myself feeling the same thing just two months out from surgery my life is so much improved. One of the things that made me wait so long was fear of failure. When I stop and think about it, I think failure? Failure to reach the 135 pound goal perhaps but the true goal overall is to improve the quality of life...that part is being accompished with every single pound...everytime we realize how much easier something is, everytime we jump up to do something that would have made us pause before. Keep at it, you have the right atitude and you LOOK FANTASTIC!