Thursday, March 27, 2014

Crossroads - what do I want?

I feel a bit as if I'm at a Crossroads today.  Last week, when the hormones took over and I was just done and had accepted that "I would just be a fat cat lady forever", I didn't worry.  I took it for what it was, got through it and got back on track.  What I'm feeling this week is a little different.

After my 2012 weight gain settled and I refocused, I have done a great job of maintaining.  But I haven't really lost much of what I gained.  The thing I have to figure out is whether my life is awesome enough as it is and continue as I am with the expectation that I will maintain.  Or do I truly want to lose weight and am I willing to change something to make that happen?

I've talked before about how much healthier I am now than at almost any other time in my life.  I work out (a lot!) regularly, I eat healthily about 80% of the time and I no longer need medications or specialty equipment (think CPAP) for anything other than allergies.  I have come so far from where I was that sometimes I forget to appreciate it. 

The reasons I feel like I want to and should lose more weight:

1.  The biggest number one reason is that I don't feel comfortable at this size.  When I was 20 pounds lighter, I felt like I blended in.  At this weight, there is never a time where I don't feel like the fat girl.  I remember what it felt like before and I miss that.

2.  My workouts would be so much easier on my knees if I lost weight.  I was faster and even stronger, I think, when I was leaner.

3.  Clothes.

4.  I think I would sleep better.

5.  Do I need more reasons?  I think that first one sums up the true reason I want to keep fighting.  Everything else is just words...

Okay, so I have been logging my food now religiously (no pun intended) since Ash Wednesday.  What do I see?

1.  Weekends.  This continues to be my biggest struggle. 

2.  Nope, #1 is pretty much it.  Although I do notice that I have a hard time saying no to things when they are offered during the week.  It just doesn't happen as often.

I can say all sorts of things here about how I plan to do this or that, but until I show some action for more than one week in a row, things aren't going to change.  What do I really want? 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream, boiled egg, 1/2 chicken burger patty
Lunch:  Pie Five pepperoni & veggie thin crust pizza
Snack:  Greek yogurt*
Dinner:  Enchilada Casserole with dollop of sour cream

* The snack gets an asterisk because today we are having cupcakes in the afternoon.  Will I be able to forgo cupcakes for my yogurt?  This is literally a perfect example of what I'm talking about.  If I eat my yogurt (and the rest of what is listed above), I'm perfectly within my calorie range for the day.  In fact, I have a few calories left over if I want some fruit after dinner.  If I eat the cupcake, I am not.  Simple as that.  What do I want?

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  Check!  Clean Pulls 3x6 115#, Press 1 + 1/2 rep 10x 90#, 4:00 AMRAP Power Snatches 65#, 31 reps

I told my friend at CrossFit that I would go tomorrow if she would and she committed.  So now I just have to get my booty up and go!  Again...what do I want?

Hugs!

8 comments:

Sheila said...

OMG Beth I could have WRITTEN this post. Right down to my regain being from 2012 and while I've stoped it I haven't lost that regain. Aaargh! So yeah word for word...everything. Exactly. I'm just so right there with ya sister!

Sheila said...

*stopped*

Chasing Heather said...

Watch everyone else eat the cupcakes. Next time it will be birthday cake, brownies, etc. It adds up. And know in your mind you are stonger than a cupcake. Eat your yogurt slowly. Enjoy it and the feeling you get from it. And if you still would like a cupcake, cut it in half and share it or take it home and freeze it for later. I'm very self conscious about eating in front of people. I would rather have self control now than regret it later. JMHO

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I was in the same situation as you and it was really a hard thing for me to honestly look at what I was doing and own the fact that I was the only one who could control the outcome of my journey. When I realized that no matter what, I could not out exercise a bad diet and that I was lying to myself about my wine calories, then things started coming together. It's been a struggle, I'm 4 years out with my band and I am finally, just 3 pounds from my goal, which I think I will adjust down some. Beth, you're the only one who can do it. You're worth the effort!

Sandy said...

So glad you replied to my comment. I am only able to read a few lines of your entry at work and almost forgot to comment back. First of all Theresa is doing fantastic so heed her advice. Me, I hit the same block you did and wrote about it--go ahead and have a read--http://www.restofourdays.com/2012/08/diets-do-workits-maintenance-where-we.html
I'm sitting at 178 this morning. But I'll hit the low 170's again in a few months. And that is where it seems my setpoint is set. Now I am older-yup turned that 60 mark. But really truly I was this weight in high school. So it seems that is where I might be stuck. Forever. Unless I choose to give up my wine and live the monks life. Not for me. But only you will decide where you want to be, just at Theresa said. Perhaps you need to maintain for awhile--which you have done. I notice too you don't make mention of any new fills. Have you been back to your clinic? My biggest struggle was with deciding whether I was actually a success with the band. Today my answer is yes. Over 4 years out and I haven't regained the weight. To me that is my success. Cause all those other diets failed, and failed miserably. I'm not skinny and never will be. But my brain is in a much better place. Perhaps it is in OZ and I will wake from my dream. All I can say is never ever give up. Enough said.

SuperMegaAnna said...

I could have written this post as well. My lowest weight was back in October I think and I was somewhere around 177. I am now 180 and having this some talk with myself constantly. I have maintained in the 179-181 range for the past 6 months. I have lived a normal life, clean on the weekdays (mostly) and doing whatever I want on the weekends. In theory, I am happy. I feel somewhat healthy, have maintained an 80 lb loss and lived a life I enjoy. But then I have pretty much all the same reasons you have for continuing to lose weight. I would love to lose another 20 lbs. But obviously not enough to keep it going. But I would really need to change to lose that weight. I would have to stop drinking, stop eating dessert, stop living the life I enjoy so much right now. I have to see my regular doctor a week from Friday and I know she is going to give me crap about my weight. But my surgeon thinks I have done great and if I can maintain this weight with little effort then I should. Blag... such hard decisions!

Cheri said...

I think you've done a great job of looking at why you are happy NOT losing weight (you are already reaping many benefits from the large amount of weight you lost/maintain) but why you really do want to lose 20 more (the pain you currently feel/or discomfort of not "blending in"). Maybe you would eventually get over that - or maybe you never would.

I know now that I'm about size 12, a lot of that pain went away for me...but it will get worse again come summer and less clothing!! And for me, I carry the weight in my belly area, the "heart attack zone" :-P so that is my motivation to need to lose 20 more, despite feeling fairly comfortable in my skin now.

But boy this resonates with a lot of us. :-) Because it does sound like you are doing so many good things - and there is that sweet spot of "what is the optimum weight you can achieve while still enjoying a reasonable quality of life" ! And that varies person to person. For one person they are willing to eat vegan or paleo (not me! not yet! But some health crisis could change my mind...) but for another they want to at least keep chocolate or wine or.... My grandma lived well into her 90's and was on dialysis at the end, and still had her cocktail every afternoon, and chocolate, and a few other "forbidden foods" in sort of a "what the hell" mentality at that point, and her doctor didn't blame her! She also took a walk every day and lived on her own, despite being legally blind...lol.

FitBy40 said...

I live this post. We're in the same boat, as most of us are. Even back in my WW days I would do great for about 4 days and then blow it for 2 days.
I want to fit back into my skinniest jeans and be able to breathe when I button them. I want to be able to run without feeling like my lungs will fail me.
Do I want that more than snacks? That's the daily struggle!