I'm ready.

I'm not sure if I came to a decision or if the decision came to me.  I really thought a lot over the weekend about what I want. 

What I truly want is to be able to eat healthy things, work out and live a healthy and balanced lifestyle.  Unfortunately, I have determined (and history supports) that isn't something I can seem to consistently do.  What else does history say?  I mean, I have a blog and have had for over four years.  What was I doing when I was losing and what was I doing when I wasn't?

I spent a lot of time reading old posts.  One post in particular really stuck out for me.  When I wrote that post, I was 20 pounds less than I am now.  Those 20 pounds seem to be the barrier between general discomfort and hope. 

I read this post several times and tried to feel out where I am now. 

1. I've addressed the health reasons recently and I'm still super great in that department!  The one negative is that with the extra weight, my body (particularly my knees and feet) are hurting more with exercise.
2. I'm still a 14-16.  With the muscle building I have done the last few years, I think I would get to the same size as I was in that post losing less than 20 pounds.  But I'm still a far cry from the 22-24 I was or even the 18W that I spent so much time in.
3. This one is the key.  I'm just not comfortable.  I discussed that before.  I have lost confidence.
4. Control...hmmm, yeah, definitely don't feel in control of my weight.  It is definitely controlling me.
5. That means that it is starting to dictate my choices.  That is NOT acceptable.  

I really focused on reading the posts that I wrote during successful weight loss months.  What did those posts have in common?

• I hardly wrote a thing about what I ate. 
• I was restricted band-wise.
• I had a large focus on working out.
• I still had a lot of ups and downs and fought bad eating the same way I do all the rest of the time.  :-)

Why have I been resisting a fill?

• My most common response about not getting a fill is that it limits what I can eat.  With proper restriction, I can't eat many meats and vegetables and other healthy items.
• If I'm honest with myself, my other reason is that I won't get to enjoy many of the restaurants we go to.

Let me pro/con these.  First...healthy eating.  I do agree that long term, I don't want to live on a "band" diet.  I just don't.  If I were at or near my goal weight, I wouldn't even be having this conversation with myself.  That is not to say I have ANY judgement whatsoever about anyone that chooses otherwise.  I'm a strong believer in everyone doing what is right for THEM, other people's judgements be damned.  I want to eat an 80/20% paleo diet.  I cannot do that with band restriction.

That said, I have no issue with myself using the band (again, still, some more) as the tool it is intended to be.  Let's be real, if someone told me to take a pill that guaranteed that I would lose weight, but it might have negative effects way long term...I would totally do it.  So, yes, healthy eating is important, but it is relative.  I don't HAVE to eat unhealthy with band restriction.  It is just harder for me.  This is just not an issue that in the short term should keep me from doing everything I need to do to be successful.   

Now, to my hot button.  Enjoying food.  When I got back and read all my posts from the weight loss months, I still went out.  A lot.  I ate what I could, but it was all in moderation and while it is true that there were a lot of things I couldn't eat.  I can't say that I didn't care, I did.  But I was losing weight and making choices that would help toward that end.  I was getting control of myself and I was happy.  So this reason is bullsh*t too.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting a fill.  I'm going to do my very best to go into this with the vigor and commitment I know I can have. 

Tomorrow night, BFF & I have dinner plans with friends.  I think BFF was a little disappointed that I was getting a fill and said that basically she would go wherever I wanted.  I told her that I was going to get a smoothie and we could go anywhere.  She was afraid if they ate pizza that I would be sad.  Is it super fun being the one drinking a smoothie when everyone else is eating pizza?  No, of course not.  But like I told her, I have a choice.  And today I'm making the choice to fight.  I will not be comfortable at this weight.  I will not settle for "fine." 

Today, I'm committing to myself that I care more about my body than I do about food.  I won't be perfect, but I will not let perfect be the enemy of good.

Let's do this.

Hugs!