Monday, January 31, 2011

Why?

Monday, November 2, 2009

After reading many stories on Lap Band Talk, I thought all weekend about what exactly caused me to choose this path now.

At the beginning of this year, my doctor put me on Topomax as a weight-loss drug. That isn't its standard intention, but there has been some good results with it. Unfortunately, I had a bad reaction to the drug and that combined with stress made my anxiety shoot through the roof. February-April is kind of a haze for me. By June, although I had gained 15 pounds, the doctors had determined that I was quite healty (for an obese person) and that made my anxiety go away.

Now what? I went on a trip with my friend and the airplane ride was so uncomfortable. During the trip she also mentioned that my CPAP mask was making noise through the night. I think I had gained enough weight that my CPAP was no longer effective. It did explain why I was so tired all the time. That was when I started thinking about Lap Band. Although I still felt that I wasn't "that fat".

My friends and I have a monthly dinner group that has been meeting regularly since 2004. Each month we take a picture of the group at whichever restaurant we choose. At this particular dinner, I knew with the way we were seated, the picture wouldn't be very flattering of me. When I looked at the picture I could hardly control the sob. I excused myself and went to the restroom before I made a scene. Once composed, I came back out and my wonderful friends had figured it out and suggested a new picture without making me feel horrible. I love my friends. But I knew now that I was indeed "that fat".

My friend & I scored free tickets to the Mavericks game. They were excellent tickets and I was on the end of the row. However, the end wasn't open, it was at a fence-like wall. I was so cramped and uncomfortable. I didn't want to be there and I knew that I would probably not do it again. There it was. I was making decisions about what to do (and more importantly, what I wouldn't do) because of my weight.

I never wanted to be the person that sits at home because I'm more comfortable there than getting out into the world. But that is exactly what I am becoming.

I struggle EVERYday with my weight. My feet hurt, I don't sleep well, and my blood pressure & cholesterol are rising. I MUST lose weight. If I am going to struggle this way, I should do it in a way that is going to get some results. That is why for me.

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