But there is one area that remains so much the same and that is with my eating. I hate that I just can't cut out sugar. Or that I can't get myself to eat Paleo. Or that I give into myself when I'm hungry or even just upset. I hate those things. I have battled them always. I battle them still. If I were a betting girl, I would say that I will battle them forever.
When I got my last unfill a few weeks ago because I was too tight, the doctor said that I would need to come back and put some back in after the swelling went down. Because of the cost and inconvenience, I was hoping not to do that. I would just diet like a normal person, right?
I'm sad to say that I'm not doing well with that. Here is my thinking:
- How much am I eating at a sitting? I can't say for sure because I'm not measuring but definitely more than a cup.
- When am I getting hungry? It depends. After a reasonable breakfast, I'm hungry within an hour. If I truly fill myself up at lunch (which is WAY TOO MUCH FOOD even if it is healthy), I can go about 3-4 hours, maybe.
- I don't make good choices when I'm truly hungry. That is why I had so little success dieting pre-band. I do find that if I'm slightly hungry as opposed to really hungry, I can make much better food choices.
- I realized that it wasn't the money holding me back from getting a fill, but actually it was the inconvenience. I just have to suck it up and go.
I do want to say that while I'm struggling, I also recognize that my definition of "bad choices" today is VERY different from my past. I logged everything I ate yesterday and while the total wouldn't be a good pattern to keep, it is still less than a "normal" day of eating pre-band. So, I have come a long way. The struggle is the same, but the severity has changed, I guess.
I think I get annoyed by this because so much of me just wants to be "normal". I just want to eat and be full like a regular person. When my band is set right, I forget that I can't do that on my own. I'm very thankful for my band and I don't think I will ever truly forget that.
This picture absolutely killed me yesterday. I laughed until I had tears. After feeling like a badass unicorn, then eating badly and feeling like a rhino all in one day...this was perfection.
This was my internal conversation when the alarm went off this morning:
- Badass Unicorn: Let's get up, time to CrossFit!
- Rhino: Shut up. Go to sleep.
- Badass Unicorn: But it is time for CrossFit.
- Rhino: You said if I kept running during yesterday's WOD that you wouldn't make me go today.
- Badass Unicorn: I know and I'm proud of you, but it is Friday. You wouldn't have to get up early again until next week. Come on, Rhino!
- Rhino: No, I'm going back to sleep.
- Badass Unicorn: Don't make me do this.
- Rhino (peeking an eye out): What?
- Badass Unicorn: Dude. You ate like shit yesterday. Get up. Do you WANT to gain weight?
- Rhino: No. I hate you.
- Badass Unicorn: No you don't.
- Rhino: I know.