I have changed, but some things are the same.

It has been great the last few days thinking how much I have changed the last few years, both inside and out.  I love that I am a different person today.  I actually like AND respect myself.  It's a nice feeling.

But there is one area that remains so much the same and that is with my eating.  I hate that I just can't cut out sugar.  Or that I can't get myself to eat Paleo.  Or that I give into myself when I'm hungry or even just upset.  I hate those things.  I have battled them always.  I battle them still.  If I were a betting girl, I would say that I will battle them forever.

When I got my last unfill a few weeks ago because I was too tight, the doctor said that I would need to come back and put some back in after the swelling went down.  Because of the cost and inconvenience, I was hoping not to do that.  I would just diet like a normal person, right? 

I'm sad to say that I'm not doing well with that.  Here is my thinking:

1. How much am I eating at a sitting?  I can't say for sure because I'm not measuring but definitely more than a cup.
2. When am I getting hungry?  It depends.  After a reasonable breakfast, I'm hungry within an hour.  If I truly fill myself up at lunch (which is WAY TOO MUCH FOOD even if it is healthy), I can go about 3-4 hours, maybe. 
3. I don't make good choices when I'm truly hungry.  That is why I had so little success dieting pre-band.  I do find that if I'm slightly hungry as opposed to really hungry, I can make much better food choices.
4. I realized that it wasn't the money holding me back from getting a fill, but actually it was the inconvenience.  I just have to suck it up and go. 

So I am going.  I will have my fill on 5/10 and hopefully it will be just right to take me through my surgery.  I won't be working out for several weeks, so it is important that I take the food side of the equation very, very seriously.  I know I'm not good at that.

I do want to say that while I'm struggling, I also recognize that my definition of "bad choices" today is VERY different from my past.  I logged everything I ate yesterday and while the total wouldn't be a good pattern to keep, it is still less than a "normal" day of eating pre-band.  So, I have come a long way.  The struggle is the same, but the severity has changed, I guess. 

I think I get annoyed by this because so much of me just wants to be "normal".  I just want to eat and be full like a regular person.  When my band is set right, I forget that I can't do that on my own.  I'm very thankful for my band and I don't think I will ever truly forget that.

This picture absolutely killed me yesterday.  I laughed until I had tears.  After feeling like a badass unicorn, then eating badly and feeling like a rhino all in one day...this was perfection. 

This was my internal conversation when the alarm went off this morning:

• Badass Unicorn:  Let's get up, time to CrossFit!
• Rhino:  Shut up.  Go to sleep.
• Badass Unicorn:  But it is time for CrossFit.
• Rhino:  You said if I kept running during yesterday's WOD that you wouldn't make me go today.
• Badass Unicorn:  I know and I'm proud of you, but it is Friday.  You wouldn't have to get up early again until next week.  Come on, Rhino!
• Rhino:  No, I'm going back to sleep.
• Badass Unicorn:  Don't make me do this.
• Rhino (peeking an eye out):  What?
• Badass Unicorn:  Dude.  You ate like shit yesterday.  Get up.  Do you WANT to gain weight?
• Rhino:  No.  I hate you.
• Badass Unicorn:  No you don't.
• Rhino:  I know.

I went to CrossFit and of course, I didn't regret it for a second.  Whatever else, I know that I worked out hard this morning when my inner rhino REALLY wanted to sleep.  That is a victory.

Hugs!!