Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Visions of the Playground

You all know how much I love CrossFit, right?  I have come so far in my fitness and a lot of that is because of CF.  However, there are times where it can be really hard and I have to remember why I'm there. 

This morning started off normally with an interesting warm up and we transitioned into the WOD.  5x5 Good Mornings and I moved up 10# from last time, so I was pleased.  But here is where my drama started...  I went up to write my weight on the board and I realized that I lifted the same or less than every other person.  I consider strength to be my...well, strength.  So I was annoyed at myself for falling behind the class. 

Then for dessert we did 8x100 sprints.  I honestly had elementary school flashbacks.  I remember back in those days some girls trying to get me to run the 100 yard dash against them.  I would say no because I knew they were just doing it because they knew they would slaughter me. 

Just to give you some back story, I was bullied a lot from ages 9-13.  Unfortunately, it brought ugly things out in me and I wasn't a very delightful kid because of it.  I was bossy and mean.  Sigh.  It is so against who I am now that I know that it was just a bad reaction to the bullying, but I guess I should be glad that I got through it.  I did not like elementary school or junior high.  I was okay in high school and college, but mostly because I had developed thick skin.  I'm by far the happiest I have ever been and I imagine that each day going forward will be happier than the last.  As much as some of my past stinks, I couldn't be happier that it all brought me right here.

That all being said, those times in 5th and 6th grade were brutal.  I remember them telling me that they were sick or had hurt their ankle so I could probably beat them.  I think mostly I would start just to end the conversation.  But of course, after 10m, they were already blowing me away.

Today it was the same way.  I tried to stagger my start, but inevitably, they would blow past me like I was standing still.  But I just reminded myself:
  1. I am here voluntarily.
  2. These people support me.  They don't mock me.
  3. I just need to work as hard as I possibly can.  No one else matters.  If I am last by 3 rounds, but I worked my absolute hardest?  I'm proud. 
I said those things over and over in my head until the sprints were over.  I need to do them in order to get better at them.  And every single one of those people watching me finish know how hard I worked.  And if they don't?  It doesn't matter, because I KNOW. 

Which brings me to the second part of my little conversation here.  We are all good at some things.  We are all bad at some things.  Every once in a while I will think about someone, "just get off your butt and exercise."  And then I realize that judgement is bullshit. 

I'm very blessed that I have the will and ability to exercise.  It's great!  But you know what?  There are days that I eat like absolute crap.  If I were able to control my nutrition the way I control my fitness, I would be at my goal weight, no problem.  So who am I to judge the person that doesn't work out 5 times a week?  And who are you to judge me for eating like crap?

We all have our crosses to bear, the things that challenge us for all our lives.  I'm so thrilled that many of you out there have conquered many of your obesity issues and you have made it to your goal.  TRULY! 

But just like no matter how hard I push myself running, my fellow CrossFitters blow past me like I'm standing still; so do many try so hard to lose weight by every means possible only to watch others blow past them. 

There is success in meeting your goals!  But there is also success in showing up.  If I gave up because everyone was passing me, I would never get better.  I will never be fast.  But I will be faster than I was before.

Those of you out there that keep falling off the wagon.  Just get back on.  Get back on today and then get on again and then again and then again.  Just keep showing up.  Because there are always going to be people that are doing better than you, but as long as you are doing your best?  Don't worry about them.  You may never weigh what they do, but you will weigh less than you did before.

Wow...that was a little ranty.  :)  I just felt all those feelings of being bullied come back to me this morning only to realize that I was in a safe place.  Heck, Bach even asked me if I needed help after my surgery.  I have tears in my eyes this exact moment, knowing how many people would come help me if I needed it.  I have come a LONG way from that mouthy little girl on the playground.  I didn't realize that I had the power to make myself feel better all along, but I do now.  And I want everyone to feel this way. 



Kelly Carr said...

<3 Thank you for the "rant" today.... I needed some inspiration - and I can always count on you to get my head in the right place... and make me smile. So proud of you!!

Jen said...

Loved this post. You are a rockstar!

Kiwigirl said...

What a great post Beth Ann.. Love it!

Cat said...

You are so my Hero fo realz! This post is exactly what has been in my mind for a few weeks now and you're right, even if we aren't at goal, we still are less than we've ever been as far as weight goes. So much more in every other area. *hearts*

♫ Drazil ♪ said...

I love this post....you're so right. You have come so far...and going through what you did made you the amazing woman you are today...so there was a reason...even tho it sucked. xoxo

Angela said...

I just broke out the slow dramatic clap....great post. We need to have dinner soon....and by dinner, I mean lots and lots of drinks. :)

FitBy40 said...

You are so right, and I plan on reading this post many times to remind myself of these important things!
You continue to amaze me.

Dawnya said...

This post is so on point!!! You have come a long way. And you are going to get to your final destination. I know you will.

thanks for showing that is not the height of the mountain that matters...but the awesome climb that gets you there.