Thursday, April 26, 2012

Who am I?

This has become my new mantra.  I am a badass unicorn. 

There are many, many reasons why I'm so much happier now than during any other time in my life, but I think I discovered another one today.  Talking about judgement the last few days got me thinking. 

The other day, I mentioned being bullied when I was younger and how that got me all insecure about myself and how I pretty much became a kind of bully myself.  Remember that?  Yeah, fun times.  Anyway, I think that because I had all these insecurities about my body and my sad athletic ability, I avoided things I was bad at.  I just didn't do them.  I completely took myself out of the situation because if I didn't do it, I couldn't fail.  By the time I was in high school and college, I mostly kept myself within the known.

That alone isn't the horrible thing.  What is horrible is that while I kept myself to the things I was good at, I started to judge those that weren't as good as I was.  How easy to feel superior when you are only doing the things you do well.  Now, I don't think I was doing it consciously.  I don't think I was ever a bad person, but I do think I fell into a trap of making myself feel better by ignoring my weaknesses.

These days, I look at things differently.  I do, I try, I push at everything.  I see success differently.  No longer is being the best the most important thing.  Now success is working as hard as I can and ultimately doing better than I did before.  That is true for work, weight loss, working out, my relationships...everything. 

I'm far from perfect.  I still judge.  I still don't work as hard as I should sometimes.  I still get cranky and say things I wish I hadn't.  But I try to acknowledge that and vow to do better next time. 

CrossFit has been so good for me in that it has been such a tangible example of my life plan.  I am a S-L-O-W runner.  I know that every single time, I am going to come in last.  I'm not good at this.  That's okay.  I just keep working as hard as I can until I'm done.

Today, the workout was the "Abbate" which is one of CrossFit's Hero WOD's named for a fallen soldier. 
  • 1 mile run
  • 21 Clean & Jerk
  • 1/2 mile run
  • 21 Clean & Jerk
  • 1 mile run
Keep in mind that this guy is lifting a billion pounds and I was lifting 55#, but you get the idea.  Anyway, I finished in 42:48.  The fact is that less than 2 1/2 years ago I weighed almost 300 pounds and I couldn't run a few feet without gasping for air.

There is nothing in me that thinks I'm good at this.  When I post about it here, I'm not trying to impress anyone.  What I am is AMAZED.  I don't care that I was dead last YET AGAIN today.  I don't care that I had to walk about 1/3 of the last mile.  What I care about is the fact that 3 years ago, I wouldn't have been able to do this.  Today I did it.  I would have NEVER thought it possible.

I sometimes wonder if people get annoyed with me talking about this all the time.  But then I realize that I talk about it because it has done so much for me.  CrossFit along with Jazzercise has put me in the best shape of my life at almost 38 years old.  I talk about it because I want EVERYONE to feel like I do right now.

I'm not your average CrossFitter.  I'm just me.  I'm unique.  I'm special.

I'm a badass unicorn!


Jen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jen said...

I think the fact that you even do Crossfit on a very consistent basis is AMAZING in and of itself! Most people (including me!) don't even have the balls to try it (I think I would die!) It has helped you get to where you are and where you are going. I never get annoyed hearing about it! It's just part of your life now so of course you are going to talk about it. And yes, you are a BADASS UNICORN!!!

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Great post! I love the badass go girl!

Cat said...

I love this post. I have actually found myself nodding consistently through all of your recent posts.

I know I have done the same thing in regards to not trying to do things that I find too hard or that I'm not successful doing. Bowling is one of these things. I suck at bowling and therefore avoid the sport. I blame my back problems most of the time, but the truth is, I dislike it because I suck at bowling.

I like your idea of doing things even if we're not good at them, just to get better.

FYI - I LOVE your crossfit talk, I love living vicariously through you. I cannot afford it at this point, but I hope to get there in the future.

Anonymous said...

Beth Ann,
This is a great post. Keep posting about your cross fit; it is part of your journey!

Read said...

What a great post! I totally love the idea of being a badass unicorn!!! Love love love it!!