Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Remembering the past correctly.

I go back and read my blog sometimes.  When I wonder what I did at a certain time or I need to try an remember something.  Lately, I have been going back and reading from the beginning.  Why did I do this?  What did I want and expect?  How did it go?  Were my thoughts at the time the same as I remember them now?  How can I motivate myself to success?

Memory v. Blog

Memory:  I remember having a really rough year.  I had gained more weight and was the biggest I had ever been.  I remember being super uncomfortable at a Mavericks game and on an airplane.  I remember a picture that made me cry.

Blog:  That was all true, but it was more than that.  I had forgotten that I could no longer Jazzercise because of the pain.  I had REALLY forgotten that I could only wear crocs or orthopedic type shoes and some days I still had to wear flector patches on my feet just to get through a work day.  I had forgotten how much I had withdrawn into myself and just yearned to fade into the woodwork instead of being so grossly fat. 

Memory:  Pre-surgery and post-surgery dieting was night and day.  I had to make good choices but the weight melted off the first year.  Then I started to exercise to jumpstart it.

Blog:  Wow...I had really forgotten.  ONE MONTH IN and I was chiding myself for the bad food choices I was making.  I was struggling to stay under 2000 calories a day sometimes.  I did NOT remember that.  I was six weeks in when I did my first fitness "focus".  6 WEEKS!!  I could barely jog 30 seconds under 4mph.  I still had to diet, no question about it.  But the band did make my efforts successful.

Memory:  It took about 9 months for me to start feeling "good" about myself.  I was always a cheerleader for myself but at the 9 month mark, I was feeling good, but also, it started getting harder.

Blog:  I was definitely always a cheerleader and looked at things in the best way possible.  I still do.  I had faith in myself that it was going to happen, I just had to keep fighting.  But dude, I was constantly "failing" from the beginning.  Good food choices are always hard, no matter what.  Band or no band, those choices have to be made.  It makes so much sense because the last several fills, I haven't been making good choices.  And...it didn't work out.  Also, it was about 6 months in that I started focusing on fashion which is 20 pounds (and a whole lot of toning) more.  So I felt "good" about myself sooner than I remembered.  It is all relative. 

Memory:  Vacations were hard.  I had to really work at what I could eat, I had to give up a lot food-wise and made things complicated for traveling companions, but I had fun!

Blog:  If things were complicated for me or my travel buddies, I didn't blog about it.  Actually, I tended to do better on vacation because I was active and I didn't mindlessly snack.  In fact, as I lost weight and got more energy, I wasn't sitting around at home so much and it was easier to stay away from the mindless snacking.

Bottom line, it has never been "easy", good choices have to be made, but utilizing the band can help me make them if I choose to do so.  Also what I noticed while reading my words from the past, I had a tendency to think "oh, bless your heart" when I started talking about how I was going to make better choices "from now on" or whatnot.  Those were my own words and they were making me want to roll my eyes at the "here we go again" of it all.  I can't imagine how my loved ones must feel.  I can totally see where it would get old and truly bless them for sticking with me.  But I know that is how I roll.  I cheer lead and pump myself up to get motivated because inevitably, I'm going to have down times.  Another big thing I learned is that you have to do everything you can when you are motivated, because sometimes the down times just won't let you do much of anything.

Same story, different year.  But I'm motivated.  So let's see what I can do with it!

If I squint, I'm starting to see the badass unicorn again.  This is going to happen.
Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream.  (The slimfast & peanut butter did not hold me over at all yesterday, so I'm going to try a boiled egg and 1/2 chicken burger patty.) 
Lunch:  potato soup
Snack:  greek yogurt
Dinner:  It is girls dinner night and we are going out for tapas.  As long as I eat responsibly, stay away from alcohol and sweets, I should be a-okay.
Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  check!  We were supposed to work on handstands today, but I mostly just watched everyone.  My allergies are horrible and the drainage and dizziness just wouldn't allow for being upside down.  WOD:  5 rounds interval style:  300m row, 7 Power Cleans, 12 Lateral Burpees.  I had to scale.  I worked for 20 minutes, still only got in 4 rounds and scaled the burpees to 9 regular ones.  As long as I work out hard, I have no issue with scaling.  I will get there someday!  :-)
And now what you have all been waiting for...the fancypants!  When I was in the locker room getting ready this morning, the adorable and tiny girl in there getting ready with me said "you are so brave."  Ha!  I have to say that I don't like the picture, because I don't think it is flattering. But I do LOVE the pants! 



♥ Drazil ♥ said...

I love jazzy pants and love the people who are ballsy enough to rock them. Love this post. I re-read my blog a lot and mostly think "what the hell was I thinking when I wrote that?" LOL

~Miss Lorie~ said...

I've been doing the same thing! The truth is, I have always struggled with some of the same things. Drinking calories, weekends, sweets, the list is endless. They are a struggle now and were then.

I just love your blog!

Marion Shaw said...

Hi Beth Ann, Yes, those are very cute pants! I only started blogging after most of the initial struggle was over for 4 years already. During the first year, I found the time alone away from my 4 kids so lovely that I didn't have any problem wanting to go to gym. It was a mini-vacation each day!!!

Connie O said...

I hear "You're so brave to wear ..." a little too often for comfort. (Making me think my fashion choices must be a bit out there!) I wish people would throw in a "That looks great!" when they are saying it! Those pants look great, and I don't think it should take any special courage to wear them. ;)

I reread my blog often, and I find it helpful for a reality check every time.

KajunDee said...

Hi Beth Ann, reading over my past posts make me sad, especially when I was first banded. I was so excited & really thought it was my answer......until it wasn't lol

Vanessa said...

OMG! Those Pants are DOPE!!!!! You look fab and are total bad ass for rocking them!!! Love that you look back on your blog - I do that from time to time also.
Those pants are very right!

FitBy40 said...

Oh, I really need to look back at my old blog posts, back when I was so successful.
These days I feel like a big loser, and not the weight loss type of loser either!

You are totally brave to wear those awesome pants! My style is VERY plain Jane, all solids, nothing flashy. I really need to learn to get out of my comfort zone!

Dawnya said...

I love those pants!!! You are amazing. I'm so proud of the woman you are. Never give up BethAnne...never!!! We are Hoosiers dang it. LOL

Luka Beth said...

Those are some BRAVE PANTS...and you are rockin' them!