Monday, April 11, 2011

I AM good enough!

Good morning, everyone!  I missed you over the weekend and can't wait to get caught up on Blogland happenings.  :)  I had a WONDERFUL time at the NASCAR races.  I'm a little bummed that I didn't take any pictures.  The weather was lovely and except for the girl who had a heat stoke and threw up on us (seriously) (but she is okay now), it was overall another fun weekend at the track.

Now onto the post...

Things I have learned I can do:
  • For short bursts, I can really push myself in work outs.  In the last 6 weeks, I have averaged over 45 minutes per DAY (not  January & February were more like 30 minutes per day, so to bring it up 10 minutes more per day is really good, I think. 
  • Over the long term, I can sustain a lot of exercise.  In fact, I'm starting to enjoy it.  {gasp!}
  • I CAN get my butt up in the morning for yoga.  In fact, I hardly have to talk myself into it anymore.  I know I will fell better, so I just do it.
  • This is a biggie:  I no longer HIDE what I'm eating.  In the past, my treats would be in private.  Sometimes I knew I was hiding, but most of the time I think I subconciously just didn't want others to see me eating something bad for me.  Now, if I want something, I eat it and if someone is there to share it with?  All the better.  This is a huge step toward a healthy relationship with food..
  • I'm learning to treat myself in other ways besides using food.
  • Even when I'm eating in an unhealthy way (for the new me), I'm still incorporating many good choices I have learned over the past year.
  • When I feel myself drifting, I'm much quicker to pull the trigger to get myself back on track.  In the past, it could take weeks, months or YEARS!  Now, it can happen daily for many, many days until it sinks in.  I really keep at myself and I like it.
Things I have learned I'm not yet able to do:
  • I cannot yet control my portions when I'm hungry and my restriction allows for it.
  • I'm not yet able to fully contain my disdain for myself when my portions get out of control which often results in bad choices.
Typing that out, I feel a little better.  I can see more good that I have learned than bad that I still need to work on.  Portion control has always been my issue.  To maintain weight, I could only eat the healthiest of foods because I needed SO MUCH to feel satisfied.  (My mom & I discussed this very thing this weekend because she has the same issue to a lesser extent.)  Since I couldn't limit my diet to grilled chicken and veggies forever, I was never able to stay under control for long periods of time.

That is why the Lap Band was such a good answer for me.  I'm not afrad of hard work and exercise.  I'm open to new flavors and healthy choices.  When I'm not hungry, I (for the most part) make excellent decisions for my body...both with exercise AND food.  But when I start to get hungry, it all starts breaking down.

I noticed a couple of weeks ago, I was starting to be able to eat more things.  I was actually okay with that because my hunger was still curtailed and I was making good choices.  However, over the course of a couple of weeks, my hunger started to grow.  As that happened, I could feel myself drifting from my plan.  Don't get me wrong...I have not drifted far.  But I have drifted and I can feel the good choices becoming harder to make. 

In the spirit of honesty, I got disappointed with myself.  I have come this far and I STILL can't do it by myself when there are a TON of people out there doing it on their own everyday.  Then I took a deep breath and told myself what I have said to others countless times...I got this device for a reason.  I was out of control and on a path toward killing myself through food and bad health.  I tried doing it on my own and I was not able.  Now that I am in a better place, that's great!  However, I have the device and it would be silly not to use it.  I still have a lot of learning to do, but the important thing now is to stay on track.

One of the biggest things stopping me from getting a fill is the fear of being too tight.  That was the worst!  I'm going to ask the doctor to be conservative because I don't think I need too much.  Just a little to help me make this helpless feeling go away.

I will NOT be too proud to ask for help.  I WILL use ALL resources available to me to make this happen.  I AM a strong and determined person but it is okay to know that I can't do it on my own yet.  I'm not sure where my head went these last few weeks, but it is nice to feel secure in myself again.  I think I really got into my own head and psyched myself out because I WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.  I have learned a lot about myself over the last year and a half, but my journey isn't over yet!

I have scheduled a fill for Wednesday.  Until then...I will focus all my effort on making good choices.  It is amazing the relief I feel at spelling all this out for myself.  I'm so glad I have a place to do it.



Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

Good for you! You're doing great. I feel those same things too, kind of fearful and out of control, but we have a wonderful tool now, thank goodness!

tagyourit said...

Great post. I have problems stopping too. I love the band!

Debi said...

I am so proud of you! You are doing great, and I can totally identify with your "I'm not good enough" feelings. But you ARE good enough! You are amazing and I'm lucky to know you ;)

Are your fills done with x-ray/barium? If not, is that a possibility? I feel like that helps so much for me to not ever be too tight because they can see how big the opening is right there before they finish. Something to consider ...

Read said...

What a great, great post!! I too can totally identify with teh 'not good enough' stuff. It's the hardest part of this. But you are doing so great and should be so amazingly proud of yourself. You are absolutley right - you are completely and utterly good enough! You rock!

Drazil said...

You are rocking this journey..and I'm honored to watch you grow in mind...and shrink in body!

Leslie said...

This was a great post for me to read.

I still have a bit of a problem about hiding what I eat, it's a work in progress but I am getting better so I just have to focus on that and not the slip ups.

I'm kinda in the same boat about a fill, i could probably use a little one but because I had that awful experience of not even being able to keep down water for almost 2 days I am afraid of being too tight again.

I just love your honesty, it really helps me and my journey. Thanks!

Pamela E. Williams said...

You always make the most thought provoking posts. I have problems controlling my portions as well. I think we are a work in progress. Being to tight and PBing scares the bejesus out of me.