- Goal loss for the week - 1.8 pounds. Not only was I down the 1.8 pounds this morning, but I was down another .8 from that. But I don't think it means very much...see below.
- Make good choices. I didn't make great choices yesterday, but then again, I couldn't eat.
- CrossFit - 3 for 3 this week.
- Try yoga. Check!
- Organizing - I didn't have anything planned for yesterday and I didn't do anything. Today I would like to address the clothes hanging in the closet.
I'm still super tight. I hate this so much I can't even tell you. I can't even get my coffee down easily this morning. Water I can do just fine. In the past, I would call and schedule a small unfill because I just hate being like this. I am not a patient person. But I'm considering doing another day of liquids and seeing how it goes. If I still feel bad tomorrow, I will go in.
At $150 a pop, I can't keep going in and out for little tweaks. If I go in for an unfill now then that is how it is going to have to stay. Bleh. This is the band stuff that I know I signed on for, but I still hate!
I hope when I check in with you all tomorrow that I'm all better!
I had a hard time eating last night and I told them all about being stuck. That brought up a whole other thing...
Last night I had a really good time at my Ladies Night CrossFit Happy Hour. I did figure out something about myself. I know I have always been a very open person, but I think that in some ways, I'm using that as a shield.
Let me explain... I have always thought that there were two reasons that I'm so open about my Lap Band, weight loss, etc., but really, I think there are three.
1. I want to help people. Whether someone directly could benefit from the Lap Band or they have a friend/family member that could, I want people to see what living with a band is like. The good and the bad. People need to make informed decisions without scare tactics OR sugar coating. I know that I have directly affected the way people feel about gastric banding either for themselves or for a loved one.
2. I want people to feel free to ask questions. I have gigantic scars down my arms. I don't ever want anyone to feel like they can't ask me what is up with them, so I freely offer information. That sometimes leads to #1.
Not everyone wants to share their personal lives with others and that is A-OK! But this is right for me. However, when talking to a CF friend last night, she asked me if she could ask some questions and I told her (of course) that I was an open book. She said that I had hinted at past things and so she wanted to ask about them.
I certainly didn't mind telling her anything at all, but it made me wonder how I bring it up on a regular basis. I think I have realized that I talk about it (especially at a place like CF) for a third reason:
3. I don't want people to think I'm lazy, fat or bad at things. So by telling everyone or reminding them constantly about where I started, it somehow makes me feel better. They won't think I'm lazy or fat if I tell them I used to weigh almost 300 pounds. They won't think I'm bad at this if they understood that just 3 years ago I couldn't even walk a full day without pain patches on my feet.
I'm not upset at myself, because I think it is valid. But I have to stop apologizing for myself. As I sat last night and listened to a few of the girls talk about there healthy Paleo diets, I knew that I'm not like them. Not in a good way or a bad way...just different. I made the comment that even though I know it isn't the CrossFit philosophy, I know that if I were naturally skinny, I probably wouldn't work out. I thought they were going to choke on their drinks. :-) Now don't get me wrong, if I all of a sudden got skinny now, I think I would still work out. But if I started out that way, I just don't think I ever would have gone the workout route. That route BEGAN because I wanted to lose weight. I have a shitty relationship with food. It is better than it used to be, but I'm guessing it will never be normal.
I am not naturally skinny and I have a shitty relationship with food, so I do work out. I work out more than the average person. But I hang out with people that work out more than me so I often start feeling like I"m less than. I have to remind myself that I have a great balance to my life. I work out, I work, I have fun and there is nothing for me to feel guilty about or apologize for. I do want to stress that none of these girls make me feel this way...this is an internal thing that I have always struggled with and I'm just starting to break through and conquer it.
I will work on fighting the urge to justify myself at things like CF by bringing up my band and weight loss and focus on talking about it when I truly think it would be beneficial to others.
Sleep is Good
I slept like a log last night and it was AWESOME! Just an extra hour of sleep and I feel so much better. I think I will be good to go getting up for my 4th day of CrossFit this week.