Thursday, September 13, 2012

I talk a lot.

Goal Check
  1. Goal loss for the week - 1.8 pounds.  Not only was I down the 1.8 pounds this morning, but I was down another .8 from that.  But I don't think it means very much...see below.
  2. Make good choices.  I didn't make great choices yesterday, but then again, I couldn't eat.
  3. CrossFit - 3 for 3 this week.
  4. Try yoga.  Check!
  5. Organizing - I didn't have anything planned for yesterday and I didn't do anything.  Today I would like to address the clothes hanging in the closet.
Tight is Bad

I'm still super tight.  I hate this so much I can't even tell you.  I can't even get my coffee down easily this morning.  Water I can do just fine.  In the past, I would call and schedule a small unfill because I just hate being like this.  I am not a patient person.  But I'm considering doing another day of liquids and seeing how it goes.  If I still feel bad tomorrow, I will go in.

At $150 a pop, I can't keep going in and out for little tweaks.  If I go in for an unfill now then that is how it is going to have to stay.  Bleh.  This is the band stuff that I know I signed on for, but I still hate!

I hope when I check in with you all tomorrow that I'm all better!

I had a hard time eating last night and I told them all about being stuck.  That brought up a whole other thing...


Last night I had a really good time at my Ladies Night CrossFit Happy Hour.  I did figure out something about myself.  I know I have always been a very open person, but I think that in some ways, I'm using that as a shield. 

Let me explain...  I have always thought that there were two reasons that I'm so open about my Lap Band, weight loss, etc., but really, I think there are three.

1. I want to help people.  Whether someone directly could benefit from the Lap Band or they have a friend/family member that could, I want people to see what living with a band is like.  The good and the bad.  People need to make informed decisions without scare tactics OR sugar coating.  I know that I have directly affected the way people feel about gastric banding either for themselves or for a loved one. 

2.  I want people to feel free to ask questions.  I have gigantic scars down my arms.  I don't ever want anyone to feel like they can't ask me what is up with them, so I freely offer information.  That sometimes leads to #1.

Not everyone wants to share their personal lives with others and that is A-OK!  But this is right for me.  However, when talking to a CF friend last night, she asked me if she could ask some questions and I told her (of course) that I was an open book.  She said that I had hinted at past things and so she wanted to ask about them.

I certainly didn't mind telling her anything at all, but it made me wonder how I bring it up on a regular basis.  I think I have realized that I talk about it (especially at a place like CF) for a third reason:

3.  I don't want people to think I'm lazy, fat or bad at things.  So by telling everyone or reminding them constantly about where I started, it somehow makes me feel better.  They won't think I'm lazy or fat if I tell them I used to weigh almost 300 pounds.  They won't think I'm bad at this if they understood that just 3 years ago I couldn't even walk a full day without pain patches on my feet. 

I'm not upset at myself, because I think it is valid.  But I have to stop apologizing for myself.  As I sat last night and listened to a few of the girls talk about there healthy Paleo diets, I knew that I'm not like them.  Not in a good way or a bad way...just different.  I made the comment that even though I know it isn't the CrossFit philosophy, I know that if I were naturally skinny, I probably wouldn't work out.  I thought they were going to choke on their drinks.  :-)  Now don't get me wrong, if I all of a sudden got skinny now, I think I would still work out.  But if I started out that way, I just don't think I ever would have gone the workout route.  That route BEGAN because I wanted to lose weight.  I have a shitty relationship with food.  It is better than it used to be, but I'm guessing it will never be normal. 

I am not naturally skinny and I have a shitty relationship with food, so I do work out.  I work out more than the average person.  But I hang out with people that work out more than me so I often start feeling like I"m less than.  I have to remind myself that I have a great balance to my life.  I work out, I work, I have fun and there is nothing for me to feel guilty about or apologize for.  I do want to stress that none of these girls make me feel this way...this is an internal thing that I have always struggled with and I'm just starting to break through and conquer it.

I will work on fighting the urge to justify myself at things like CF by bringing up my band and weight loss and focus on talking about it when I truly think it would be beneficial to others.

Sleep is Good

I slept like a log last night and it was AWESOME!  Just an extra hour of sleep and I feel so much better.  I think I will be good to go getting up for my 4th day of CrossFit this week.



jennxaz said...

interesting post. I would like to think that I would have made exercise more of my life if I had been skinny. I don't know many skinny people who don't workout or eat healthy unless you count 20 somethings and I know that things will catch up to them in there 30's The reason I think I would workout is I love seeing the progress...I actually enjoy running..and if I were skinny running wouldn't be so hard on my body that if its possible I may enjoy it more.

Ronnie said...

If I were naturally skinny, I wouldn't work out. At this point, I don't really work out all that often. Oops.

Oh well. I think it's great you share your journey with others, you never know who it will help!

FitBy40 said...

First, I have to tell you that you appeared in my dream last night! You lived in the neighborhood and dropped over for coffee. Now that would truly be a dream come true!
Second, I totally agree that I probably wouldn't work out like I do if I had been born thin. My sister was always the skinny one and she doesn't work out AT ALL. Now that she's almost 50 and has arthritis, she talks about how she should start because it would be good for her health, but this is really the first she's given it much thought.
Funny, I contemplated telling the girls at my book club that I used to be morbidly obese. I wonder what they would think. Nobody here knows the 'old' me.

adorkbl said...

Interesting. I don't think I would have started running either if I was naturally skinny. Never thought about it that way.

Beth said...

I'm pretty confident I would never work out if I was naturally skinny. I do think maybe I would have done some more sports though. I have always been embarrassed to be the fat girl trying sports, so that I probably would have done.

MandaPanda said...

That's an interesting observation. I'm in the closet with my band so I don't discuss it too often. Although, there are times when I meet someone new that I want to tell them..."Yes...I'm overweight but I've lost 75 lbs so please don't notice!" LOL

Cheri said...

One of my best friends lost weight with weight watchers about ...14 years ago I guess. She is maybe 5ft2 and had about 40 pounds to lose. She hired a trainer to come to her house, and told her her goal was to exercise so that she could eat. :-) She didn't want to have to restrict calories so much all her life.

Well, fast she has maintained her loss, but she is a Spin Instructor. :-) There are a lot of other chapters to that story, but along the way she came to LOVE weight training, got big into that for a while, then got to love Spin and cycling - had a very serious cycling accident once (like had memory loss for a super long time and pins in her arm) but now Spin is her social circle and passion.

I'm not sure I have a point, lol. :-) I suppose that you do what you need to do, and what fits you for that point in life, but who knows what it turns into later. All she cared about 14 years ago was burning calories so she could eat sweets. She has a huge sweet tooth. To this day, she says exercise lets her eat, and she often feels she is 5-10 "over weight" (I don't see it). So she still partially exercises just to keep weight off. But she does also passionately love Spin. (She's even been asked to write blogs for her gym and some other place, but doesn't want to take the time to...)

I appreciate your honesty. I also can tend to over disclose. :-) It's a good catch though if you are feeling you are having to "justify" yourself or something. xo