Intention Check In and I Don't Suck

First, let me check in on yesterdays intentions:

• I will wear my Fitbit everyday.  Check! 
• I will log my food everyday.  Check!  (I will admit that I had more calories than I would have liked, but I logged everything!)
• I will work out at least 5 times.  Check!  (Well, I worked out once for the day which is the point.)
• I will drink at least 2 of my big bottles of water per day.  Almost!  I had about 8 ounces left in the bottle, but I drank over 20 ounces when I got home, so I made it in spirit.  :)

One successful day in the books!  Super duper pooper scooper.

My challenge for today will be dinner.  It is my monthly dinner with the girls and we are going to an Italian place.  Currently, my plan is to allow myself to have a mixed drink and eat the grilled salmon with a baked potato.  Even though I really want some sort of yummy pasta.  :)

Now...onto other things.  I realized something.  It isn't earth shattering or anything, but it made me think.  I will never stop trying to get better or do more.  That's great, right?  Right.  The problem is that I have to stop and appreciate what I have done or where I am before I move to the next thing.  That's my problem.

For instance, today at CrossFit, we had a 20:00 AMRAP (as many rounds as possible):

• 6 Deadlifts (135#)
• 7 Burpee Pullups (I did burpees only since I can't do unassisted pullups yet.)
• 10 KB (kettlebell) Swings (35#)
• 200m Run

I finished 5 rounds plus another round of deadlifts and burpees and 3 KB swings.  And yet the whole time I couldn't get over that I couldn't do the pull ups or I was running too slow...blah, blah, blah.  That part is fine because you always want to push yourself as hard as possible during the actual workout.  However, once it was over, I sat there stewing over my pathetic runs.  I just got so beaten down with people passing me left and right and I'm sure it was showing on my face.  TD came over and asked me how I was doing and I told him my frustrations.  He told me that he has no doubt that I run faster now than when I started.  I just don't see it because I will always want to be faster.

He is totally right.  I should use whatever I need to push myself DURING the workouts, but when I'm done, I should appreciate what I've done. 

Similarly, I was stoked to fit into a size M sample at the CAbi party on Sunday.  But then I had to justify it, that it was only because the clothes run large.  I mean who the F cares whether something runs big or small.  I fit into a sample and I should be happy about that. 

Everyone is somewhat insecure.  But it ruled my life for 35 years.  Over the last 3, I have gotten better, but I feel it creeping back.  Losing 95 pounds made me feel accomplished and I started feeling "normal."  But now I'm comparing myself to a new group of people (in the abstract) so where I am is no longer good enough and the insecurities are nipping at my heels.  Enough!

To everything there is a season...so there is a proper time to push myself and there is also a proper time to back the hell off.  :)  No one else can make me feel a certain way.  I'm in charge of me and I say that I'm on the right track. 

I'm taking a page from some of y'all and I'm going to tell you something I like about myself.  I like that I smile a lot.  I like that when I meet a new person or just see somebody walking by, I look at them and I smile.  A smile is my default expression, so I smile extra big when I'm nervous.  I like that because smiling makes me happy!

HUGS!