Am I a narcissist?

Am I a narcissist?

In a recent conversation, one person said that she didn't understand blogging. She said that it is really only for narcissists that like to hear themselves talk. In all fairness to this person, she didn't know that I blog. Although my close friends know, most of them don't read it. The vast majority of my friends don't even know about it.

The conversation made me think about why I started my blog and why I continue to post.

There were a few reasons why I started my blog:

1. Support - When I decided on weight loss surgery, I read A LOT of material. One thing I saw over and over was that people who surrounded themselves with other people going through the experience had better results. So I joined a support group and started a blog on a WLS website.
2. Accountability - I had hoped (and found to be true) that a blog would keep me focused and keep my head out of the sand.
3. Networking - In this instance, aka friendship. Thanks to some extremely amazing and motivated Jedi Kittens, I was given the opportunity to meet many of my fellow bloggers. I count many of them among my true friends and a couple of them among my BEST friends. I met up with bloggers during my travels in London, NYC, Chicago and I'm hoping to do so in the Bahamas over Christmas as well! Who knew that this little blog would fill my life with so many friends?? Most of them don't blog anymore, but I'm fortunate that I can keep up with them in other ways.
4. Emotional Outlet - I have AMAZING family and friends, but they don't need to hear my woeful irritation about jumping on the hamster wheel each Monday morning. That is why I have my blog. I can put all my frustrations, sadness, anger, irritation...whatever...out here and then walk away. I can see that sometimes people might read my blog and see me as this 2 dimensional person that is always whining about being fat. But that couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, the blog exists to keep that from happening!!
5. Documentation - I can go back over the years and see what was going on with myself. How I was successful and what didn't work. I can remind myself how absolutely miserable I was many moons ago and how now, even when I'm frustrated, my life is wonderful. It gives me perspective!
6. Information for Others - If someone is interested in WLS or has weight struggles, they can read about one experience here. When I was considering surgery, I couldn't get enough! I wanted to hear about it from every angle. In fact, I'm always looking for good blogs, so if you have one or know of one, let me know!

I suppose that #2 & #4 are my biggest reasons that I continue to post. And #5, maybe. I find that when I don't post, I'm not honest. In "real life" I don't like to dwell, so I just ignore it. That's fine for a little while but it is a good way for me to gain 30 pounds in a year. :-) So, I post almost every Monday that it is time to get my crap together. I suppose it is sort of my diary. I would post whether a single soul saw it or not.

Honestly, I don't know if it makes me a narcissist or not. But I do know that it is one part of the process that makes my life happy. Plus, if someone doesn't want to read it, they don't have to. That's enough for me!

Hugs!!

I was going to blog about the awesome! But WTF?

I was so excited to blog this morning. I mean yesterday I was even going through it in my head...

I was going to blog about my awesome trip to Scottsdale. It's beautiful! Our property there is gorgeous. The presentation went well. I ate totally appropriately. All in all...fantastic!

I was going to blog about how freaking crazy work was when I got back. I worked late. I worked from home. There was no time to sneak in a posting, but it was all okay because I was totally on track!!

I did wake up Thursday night aspirating from acid reflux. Obviously, no matter what, my band is too tight and I have an appointment this afternoon for a bit of an unfill. It's okay though because I hopped on the scale Saturday morning to see how I was doing and I was 3 pounds down from Monday. Woohoo! Onward!! I got this.

I was going to blog about how after Jazzercise on Saturday, BFF & I went to see a friend's amazingly talented daughter in the Nutcracker and then went to church. Then yesterday, I trimmed the tree and watched football throughout the day. Last night, BFF & I walked downtown to watch the City Lights celebration where they turn on the Dallas holiday lights and Santa flew in on a helicopter. If you squint, you can see him dangling in the picture below. Then there were fireworks off the buildings and lights lighting up everywhere and it made me so proud to be a true downtown Dallasite. I was going to blog about the spectacular-ness of it all!!

Through ALL of that...other than drinking a few drinks, I was totally okay with my eating. Plus in addition to Jazzercise, I walked almost 5 miles yesterday. I almost leapt on the scale this morning!!

But I'm' not focused on blogging about all of that. You know why? Because when I happily got on the scale this morning, not only had I found the 3 pounds I was down...I had found 2 more. What the ever-loving F*CK???

Now, I think most of you know me. I lie to myself constantly but when I come to blog, I am a face the music, rip the band aid off type of gal. I do not understand this. Not. At. All.

Here are my thoughts:

• I'm too tight and I'm unwittingly eating more than I realize because I'm consuming too many liquid calories.
• My first period in over a year caused hormonal craziness that is causing my body to do weird things.
• I'm full of crap and I'm actually eating terribly and am so disconnected from reality that I don't see it.

If it were the last one, I would own it. I truly would because what good would it do not to? I'm going to deal with the first possibility today by getting a small unfill. Maybe I can focus on eating better things? I do know that meat has been difficult lately and I have a tendency to eat mushy things. Maybe it is that first one. I guess I will find out.

I measured yesterday and compared to my measurements EXACTLY one month ago when I was 10 pounds lighter. They are the SAME. The SAME?!? How does that work? (Side note: did you catch that? I have gained 10 pounds in four weeks. And I wasn't even lazy and/or gluttonous. That is just not fair.) There is no way that I have lost that much muscle and replaced it with fat in 4 weeks. It just biologically doesn't work that way. I'm not working out enough to blame it on workout related water retention.

I think it is right in my belly. I have this pooch under my natural waist. I didn't measure that a month ago because I didn't need it for the Gwynnie Bee sizing. It does seem bigger. Not sure what that means. I googled "sudden weight gain in belly" and steroids was given as a possiblity. Is it possible that the steroids that made me feel SO amazing while working out caused fluid or fat retention? As annoying as that would be, I would at least be relieved of that explanation. But obviously, I don't know if that is the case.

I'm not really mad. Or even sad. I'm just kind of baffled. I will keep you posted.

 

I may not be successful at every step, but I will not stop working at it. I just won't.

Quick side note: I had a fantastic Gwynnie Bee dress on Friday, but I didn't get a picture. I have one from today. My hair looks crappy, but the dress is pretty cute. I like the pattern a lot. The waist band is a little odd and the pockets are stretched out, so it isn't anything I would want to buy. But it looks cute for a day at work.

 

Hugs!

Well, Sh*t

Thank goodness I am blogging. If it weren't for this blog, I would not have weighed today. Last week with the [insert excuses] and then the week before with the [more excuses], I have packed on a whopping [insert stupid ridiculous amount] pounds in the last two weeks. Sigh.

I know that if I wasn't accounting for myself here, I would have just written it of as "the holidays" and would step on the scale on January 2nd and cry. So, as pissed at myself as I am this morning, I'm grateful that I am committed to keeping myself focused as much as possible.

I don't have a huge "plan" at the moment. Today is Monday and Monday's are always fine. I will eat like a champ, I just have to make myself get to Jazzercise. It is cold so it will be a challenge, but I'm committed today. Tomorrow and Wednesday I'm traveling for business. I'm going with a coworker and we will be busy so I truly think as long as I limit my drinking, it will be fine.

I have purged my apartment of snacky food so Thursday should be okay too. The weekend is (always) the problem. One step at a time.

I forgot to take pictures of this week's flowers. But I do have today's outfit:

 I'm a little bummed because you can't see it very well. The skirt is from Gwynnie Bee. As much as I love dresses, I'm not a big fan of skirts. It is black with a pattern of little teal, orange and cream triangles. I am wearing teal tights with my platform black oxfords. On top I have a mesh tank with a short-sleeved knit cardigan. Because it is FREEZING here, I'm also wearing a gray knit blazer:

It looks pretty cute. I really do love bright tights with these shoes.

This weekend was my youngest godson's second birthday. He is such a doll!

I tried to be objective looking at this picture of myself. At first I hated it (because...fat) but then I kept looking at it and decided it was fine. I sure do love that kid.

Finally, I will leave you with this:

I may always be fighting a battle to be smaller, but I vow to not hide who I am and to be happy with myself and love myself no matter what. To be frank, that will be harder if I get bigger, so best to keep fighting now. Another week on the hamster wheel, no big deal.

Hugs!

Friday, November 14

Yesterday I didn't post. Yesterday was not a good day:

• I was cold. I rarely get cold, but my office was so frigid that I did not warm up all day. It is not fair to be a person that is always hot and sweats when it is the slightest bit warm...then turn around and be a person that is chilled to the bone. Scumbag body, it is one or the other, damn it. Today I was prepared and I have on a thick sweater with boots (which seems ridiculous for the person that had on short sleeves at the hockey game, but whatever.)
• I'm having band issues. It might be hormone related, I don't know. But liquids and mushies only it is.
• Speaking of hormonal, it is that time. I went on the continuous pill long ago, but I have been spotting for months. So I finally just decided to go off for a week and let it happen. Hopefully when I start back on Sunday, all will be normal.

So, yesterday I was a whiny baby, skipped Jazzercise, didn't even get on the treadmill at home. I wrapped up in a blanket like a burrito and called it a night. This was yesterday's outfit:

 As you can see, I had on a ginormous scarf and yet, I was still cold. I had a new pair of shoes that were adorable, but didn't make it through the day before they split at a seam. Boooo! I did feel very confident in this outfit. The pants are slightly too big, but they look flattering in person. The jacket has some interesting details as well.

I guess it is a very good thing that I didn't have any Nutella at home last night. Because Nutella always goes down!

Small favors, right?

Today I woke up in a much better mood. I have on socks, boots, & a sweater which isn't normal for me, but whatever works!

I have on a long cami under my sweater which is hard to see in the picture. The sweater is really short, so the long cami makes me feel better. It is a fun sweater although I think my boss had a bit of a giggle. I will be glad to get some more Gwynnie Bee stuff next week!

I'm looking forward to the weekend! Hope you all have a good one!

Hugs!

Wednesday, November 12

Good morning! It is super cold in Dallas (well, for Dallas, that is) but at least the sun is out. Godmother is skeptical about running outside since the windchill is allegedly at 24 degrees. Ha! It probably is too cold to go outside, but I just don't like running inside AT ALL. I was hoping the sun would make it better, but I may have to relent. Boooo... Here is me in all my badassness yesterday:

It was cold for the first 5-10 minutes, but then it was fine. I like running outside. It gives me something to look at. Inside I just keep wanting to look at the timer on the treadmill and calculate how long I have left. Bleh.

The other day, I came across this article and I thought it was interesting. I could totally relate. I think that everyone is judged on something or put into a box in people's minds. But I also think that big girls automatically go into the Big Girl Box and have a rough time getting into any other one in people's brains. I think it takes a lot more effort and exposure. For instance, a regular sized blond girl might get thrown in the Blonde Box upon first sight, but a quick conversation with her about history or economics might swiftly get her put into the Smart Box, particularly if she whips out a pair of glasses. (Okay, maybe I'm being a little smarty pants there, but you get what I mean.) But a Big Girl might talk to you about sports or fashion or whatever, but she tends to stay in the Big Girl Box. I think weight (or size more specifically) is a more defining trait because of its physicality. You can't fake being a different size and it is hard to get someone to associate you with something other than that. Honestly though, the problem that I have with this is not the Big Girl Box itself, but the assumptions that come with it.

I work out more than most people I know. I eat better than most people I know. Yet, people that see me walking to the mailbox on a Saturday in my sweats might easily assume that I'm lazy and eat like crap. People have actually asked me "are you sure you should eat that?" Seriously. I have a WONDERFUL person that I love in my life that sustains on coffee and cheetos with a snickers (or equivalent) every once in a while. She has the worst eating habits of anyone I know. No one really judges her for her eating habits. In fact, I would say if anything, they are jealous. Certainly no one asks her if she should eat that. I don't judge her, heck, if I could live that way, I probably would. But it is so frustrating that Big Girls get judged for eating badly when many of us don't eat any worse than anyone else.

The worst is the assumption that we are lazy. Don't even get me started on that one. Lawdy.

Let's be clear...as much as I hate this, I'm guilty of it too. I think that is why I have worked so hard in my life to be interesting. I actively seek out interesting things and I pay attention as others talk about those things. I follow sports, theater, fashion, politics. I get involved when opportunities arise. I have precious little downtime particularly as a single person with no kids. Now, I like it that way, so it isn't as though I'm following some path for the sole purpose of interesting other people. But whether people want to admit it or not, there is a bias against Big Girls in first impressions. It is important to me to break through that with people so they can see more of the "real" me. Maybe I shouldn't need to do that? Or maybe some people might judge me in some way for that? I don't know. In the end, I think it has made me into the person that I want to be, so it feels like it has worked out. :-)

Today's outfit is not sponsored by Gwynnie Bee because I'm still waiting on my next shipment. I'm hoping to have some new things by Friday. In the meantime, leggings and tunic are from White House Black Market. Blazer by Dress Barn.

I bought this outfit when my mom was in town. I really like it.

I saw this on Facebook yesterday:

I think I might do this for 2015.

Hugs!

 

Tuesday, November 11

Happy Veterans Day! Today is also one of my best friend's birthdays and she is married to a veteran. They are solidly in my heart today (as they are everyday!)

Yesterday I Jazzercised so my fitness was spot on. My eating was fine, not spectacular, but fine. I wanted a beer last night and didn't drink one, so there is that.

Here is my Gynnie Bee outfit of the day:

It is a little blurry but you get the idea. The dress came from GB and I added the denim jacket, ribbon belt and booties. Here is the dress without the jacket:

I'm still trying to figure out how to take the best selfie so you see the outfit and I don't cover my face like I'm in witness protection or something. I'm running at lunch so I have on minimal makeup on but I brought some along with my hair tools so I can freshen up this afternoon before dinner. I don't want to let after work plans keep me from working out at lunch.

I just realized that I forgot earrings!! I keep doing that. It seems that I get caught up in accessorizing and focus on one thing (in this case the necklace) and forget something else (i.e. earrings.) I will get better! I think that this dress is extremely flattering and the ribbon belt looks cute. It is really cold today here so hopefully I don't regret the bare legs, but I thought I would be hot after lunch. We shall see.

I will leave you with this:

Hugs!

Monday, November 10th

Another great weekend! Friday night I had thought we were meeting a former coworker, but I had mixed up my days so we weren't able to meet up. Instead, BFF & I went to my favorite restaurant HG Sply Co. They had changed up their menu a bit so I got something new and it was delicious! After dinner, we walked across the street to Trader Joe's where I ended up buying too much chocolate and my flowers for the week.

 I have really enjoyed the fresh flowers each week. They aren't that expensive and they brighten every day!

Saturday morning started with Jazzercise. I ended up making fish tacos later that day. I think I need a new skillet. My fish stuck to it (and I used plenty of oil) and it really made the fish break apart. It isn't a big deal for the tacos, but it would be a problem if I just wanted to cook a fish fillet which is something I'm working toward. Anyway, the tacos tasted delicious and I made a Spanish take on fried rice to go with them. Totally yummy!

Yesterday I did my normal Sunday morning breakfast at the local cafe and read my paper. I love my Sunday morning routine. Afterward, I went home and did chores and watched football. Also I watched the HBO mini series Olive Kitteridge. I thought it was really good! I even managed to go walk on the treadmill for 30 minutes during the day to get in a little more fitness. I ate a lot of that chocolate from Trader Joe's, so I needed it. :-)

Here is today's Gwynnie Bee item...the shirt:

It isn't my favorite thing, but I do like it with the gray maxi skirt. Definitely a solid work choice. It is especially comfortable! I definitely enjoy having new things to wear all the time.

Leaving you with this today:

Hugs!

TGIF, 11/07

Good morning! I realized after I got dressed this morning that I did not weigh today. Not a big deal, but when I "forget" to do that, it tends to become a pattern then all of a sudden I'm fighting a 5 pound gain. So, I'm calling myself out and am committing to not letting that happen.

No new Gwynnie Bee things yet. My next item should be delivered today and then two others on Monday or Tuesday. The first batch went so well it is hard not to be disappointed that only one item worked in the second set.

Today I decided to wear my new leggings from Canton with my new gray boots. We need better lighting in my work bathroom so you can see my pictures better. Ha! I'm not sure when this turned into a fashion blog, but I'm having fun so whatevs.

This weekend should be relatively quiet. Tonight, BFF & I are meeting a former coworker for dinner tonight. Tomorrow we will Jazzercise in the morning, but the rest of the day is wide open! Except for church, of course. After church I'm planning to make fish tacos and Spanish rice. I tried to cook fish exactly one time and it did NOT work out well. So, I'm trying again and I figure tacos is an easy way to go. Stay tuned.

Sunday will be full of football and laundry, just the way I like it.

Week in review:
Nutrition: not so great. I need to do better. I allowed myself too many sweet treats in particular during the week.
Fitness: I did well here. After tomorrow, I will have Jazzercised twice, ran twice and walked briskly once. With the holidays coming up, it will be hard to get in 4 & 5 workouts a week, so I need to continue to push it.
Home: When I moved I made it my goal to be more organized. I have continued to keep the apartment picked up each night, I have kept up on the dishes and I have even been good about getting fresh cut flowers each week. I definitely feel like I'm doing well in this category.

Hugs!

Thursday, 11/06

Good morning! Today is SO much better than yesterday. First, the sun is out! It is a little chilly, but I'm totally fine with that. Here is my lovely view today:

I'm so fortunate to be able to look up at this every once in a while during my day. What a pick me up!

Yesterday I was just a downer all day. I think part of it was being cold. I'm almost never cold. I am uncomfortably hot a lot. I am used to it and have learned to deal with it, I think. But I'm cold so very rarely that I think it really gets to me. I was wearing pumps, which while cute, really weren't warm. I didn't have on socks or tights. At one point, I took off my shoes and stuck my feet in the sleeves of my fleece jackets under my desk. Around 3pm or so it warmed up and I started to feel a little better.

I was still cranky when work ended so I totally blew off Jazzercise and went home. BUT I'm very proud to say that when I got home, I put on some workout clothes and went downstairs to walk on the treadmill. I ended up over 8500 steps yesterday which is great since I was under 4000 when I left work. YAY! I didn't run, but I walked briskly enough at an incline that I was sweating buckets even though I was right in the A/C path.

No Gwynnie Bee outfits today so I pulled from my closet. I went with a new White House Black Market dress and jacket accented by my BOOBs scarf. I also wore boots with socks because I'm NOT going to get cold today.

Hugs!

Wednesday, 11/05

I'm a little sad today. No real reason. It has been gloomy and rainy for two full days, so maybe that is it. I also feel tired and sluggish which is a bummer. I'm sure it will pass, but I just don't like it at all.

Last night we went to dinner and the Stars game with a group from work. We had a fun time. This morning, I had a work breakfast at the most awesome restaurant. It is a $5 Uber ride from home, so I feel like this place will happen again. I had breakfast tacos that were just corn tortilla, egg & avocado with a side of bacon and there was some tomatillo salsa. So simple, yet super delish. I will be thinking about those tacos for a while. Yum.

Here is the Gwynnie Bee outfit of the day:

The shirt is from GB, pants and cami are mine. I think I should have downsized on this one, but it is still cute. I like the pattern a lot. I ended up sending back the questionable shirt from yesterday. GB's next item they sent was the exact same shirt in a different pattern, upsized. I figured that was a sign to send it back.

I'm a little up on the scale this week. I need to be careful that I don't let things creep up on me. I ran yesterday and I will Jazzercise tonight. But going out to dinner and drinking last night didn't help, I'm sure. I'm keeping an eye on it!

I have some frozen barramundi that I want to cook this weekend. Any ideas?

Hugs!

Tuesday, 11/04

Settle in for some picture pages, my friends. I had a fantastic weekend!

Friday afternoon, our amazing company had a fish fry picnic. It was a little windy, but we had a great time and the food was awesome, as usual. They let us leave for the day after the picnic which is always nice. BFF & I headed home and got the keys to the storage unit we are sharing. It is nice to get all the extra boxes cleared out of the bedroom & living room! My place is really starting to look like home.

Saturday we drove to Canton, TX for First Monday Trade Days. I have never been before and was excited to go. It is a GIANT marketplace. They have antiques, crafts, food, boutique clothes...all sorts of things. We spent about 3-4 hours walking around the booths. I want my parents to come visit and go because I think they would love it. We each bought a few things, but my favorite is my new tree topper. Every year I top my Christmas tree with something different, usually a hat. I have had a cowboy hat, all sorts of different Santa hats, among other things. This is what I have for this year:

 It is kind of a top hat with the most adorable Christmas decor. The second picture has some added fairy lights which I'm not sure if I will use or not because they would be kind of a pain to turn on and off. We will see. But I absolutely love it. Even if I don't use it as the topper in the future, I will totally use it as a centerpiece or maybe I will even wear it to a party. :-)

We drove back in the afternoon and even made it to church. I have to say that I'm really enjoying our new church. I think we have found our home, at least while we are downtown.

Sunday we went to the NASCAR race. We have had season tickets for several years, but didn't renew them this year. Neither of us keep up with it much anymore and we decided to spend the money elsewhere. This race our friends from the track weren't able to use their tickets and gave them to us. It was fun to be there, but without them there too, it was just okay. We ended up ducking out early for the first time ever, I think.

Yesterday was just the most delightful day. We decided to take the day off since we were all over the place for the weekend. With the time change, I was up early and chores were done quick. I decided to take a walk for breakfast and walked a couple miles around downtown picking up donuts and coffee. It was lovely! We made a grocery store run and I got my flowers for the week.

Then I walked down to Corner Bakery for lunch because I have craving their salad. It was a bonus that there was an Elvis impersonator outside entertaining the tourists. How fun is that?!? After doing a few more chores around the apartment and watching several catch up episodes of Sons of Anarchy, I met up with BFF to go to Jazzercise. I will say that I had told myself I would check out the local CrossFit yesterday, but I chickened out. But as long as I'm Jazzercising and running, I'm not going to shame myself for not going. I don't know why it intimidates me so much, but there you go. Maybe it will be a 2015 New Years goal or something.

Now, for the fashion blog portion of the post. I was excited to see my new Gwynnie Bee items this morning. Since I get them delivered to work, I had to wear something of my own today, but more on that later. The first GB item I received was a dress. I was really sad because this dress was just bad. First, it was a wrinkled mess. I know that isn't really GB's fault as the material is just going to wrinkle, but who wants to have to iron or dry clean before you wear it? Anyway, I got past that to try it on and it didn't fit well either. The top fit well, although it was quite low cut. A cami would fix that though. But the hips were WAY too tight and the pockets stuck out.

The belt was pretty. The sleeves are navy and the bodice/skirt are black. I think it was supposed to be a color block effect, but there wasn't enough difference in the colors. It ends up just looking a little odd. Oh well, back in the return bag so I can get something else! You do get a glimpse of my new shoe booties here though. I feel sure these are going to be some of my new favorite shoes.

The two other GB items of the week are shirts. One is definitely going to be worn, but I have questions on the other. Here it is...

I went with the sizing chart and got a size smaller than I normally would. Since it fits tight at the hips I wish I wouldn't have done that. But I think if I wear well fitting pants, it would probably be fine. The pattern seems kind of ugly odd though. I want to commit to trying things, so I think I will give it a shot and see what kind of feedback I get. That is part of the fun, yeah? I will keep you posted.

Tonight we have a work dinner and then we are going to go see the Stars play. Should be fun! Here is the outfit I settled on:

It is a little dark, but you get the idea. I got the shirt at Canton and paired it with my orange & navy crazy pants. I feel fun.

Hugs!!