Thursday, June 9, 2011

Fighting the Scale Whore Inside Me

Most days I talk to my mom during my commute.  The last two morning we have been discussing how weight loss and the scale fit into our lives.  I have been fascinated with Leslie over at Band Sweet Band's Scale Whore Challenge and her discussion of how her relationship with her scale is making her feel.  I brought that up to my mom yesterday and she immediately said that she would never stop weighing every day.  She said that is how she has always been and she is too old to change now.  My first thought was "Really, mom?  C'mon now."  [I have always been annoyed with anyone responding that they are unable or unwilling to change...both in my personal and work life.  I mean, you may not NEED to change, but to cut off your nose to spite your face just because you don't WANT to change, drives my batty!]

But I completely understand the emotions behind where she is coming from.  My entire life (at least from about fourth grade on), every decision, every choice, everything has somehow been about my weight with me.  I remember distinctly one girl in my school in fourth grade calling me Buffalo Butt all the time.  It was horrifying.  I think from that point on, my parents were involved in my "diet".  I remember going out to eat and not being able to get french fries when my brother could (even though it is very possible that my parents didn't really make that restriction), I just thought they did.  Honestly, I don't know...I just know it was how I saw it.  Around fourth grade is when I started hiding food and eating in secret. 

In High School I went to Weight Watchers with my mom and my parents also paid for me to go to Nutri System.  To them, I'm sure I was enthusiastic because I was, in that I wanted to lose weight.  During all of my diets,  I would do what I was supposed to do in public, but in private I would hide and hoard food.  When I went away to college, it was all over.  I ate WHATEVER I wanted WHENEVER I wanted.  Plus, I started drinking...nothing like adding empty calories!!  The first three years, my weight was kept somewhat under control (although I did gain about 15-20 pounds during that time), because I walked a lot on campus and lived in a FOUR story walk up for a couple of years.  My senior year, I moved off campus and started driving everywhere.  I gained about 40-50 pounds that year.  I hated myself.

As an adult, I have always actively been on a diet or not been on a diet.  Meaning that if I wasn't dieting, it was a conscious choice.  Either I weighed every day because I was being "good" or I wasn't weighing at all because I was being "bad".  I have always assumed how people treated me was because of my weight which I KNOW now was not always true. 

When I consider, truly consider, not weighing myself every day, I start feeling physical signs of panic.  My stomach starts to get sick, I get hot and my body starts to get a little numb.  Seriously.  Now how freaking ridiculous is that?  But it is true. 

When I honestly analyze my relationship with the scale, I think it is my security blanket.  Those times I haven't weighed, it was because I was out of control and gaining a lot of weight.  I'm scared now that if I CHOOSE to not weigh, I will gain a lot of weight.  I also think that right now, I use the scale as an excuse to make bad choices.  If I am down, then a treat won't hurt.  If I'm up, I don't have the treat.  If I don't have the security of knowing...how will I know if I deserve a treat?  [Yes, I realize how that sounds as well.  Ugh.]

Instead, I just need to move forward with good choices.  Don't get me wrong, there is never a time I see myself eating perfectly, but that's okay.  I want to envision a life where weight is something that is in the back of my mind because I need to stay healthy, but it doesn't rule my life.  I honestly can't envision that right now.

So here is my baby step plan.  I will weigh next Monday morning to start my Balls to the Wall/10 Days to Vegas Challenge with Debi.  I will weigh on Saturday morning, 6/18 and I will weight on the morning of 6/23 when I leave for Vegas.  Today, I weigh the same as I did around the end of March.  That is over two months of plateau.  It is NOT because my body is fighting weight loss.  It is because I'm sabotaging myself. 

I know that for those of you that aren't a slave to the scale, this is all nutso.  But honestly, I'm more terrified of this, than I am of my CrossFit class on Saturday. 

I just read through this post and it kind of sounds sad.  It's not!  If I were coming from a place of depression and sadness, I would not be able to face my fears this way.  I'm coming from a place of happiness, determination and conviction.  Let's fight the fight!!

HUGS!

9 comments:

Laura Belle said...

Great. Great. Great! Post! I have the same obsession with the dreaded devil machine. But I chose to continue to keep that obsession because that is what keeps me motivated. I know it's not supposed to be about the numbers....but it is.

Once I get down to my ideal weight, I want to stop using the scale as a clutch. Maybe use my comfort-ability (is that word?) in my pants to determine whether I need to eat more or less or exercise more or less.

Cat said...

I love this post. I weigh only once a week though because I truly feel like I would go insane if I saw the daily numbers. Everything else about this post could have been written by me. Even though I only weigh once a week, I'm still ruled by the scale. I need to start thinking about how to change this permanently.

Ronnie said...

I love to weigh every morning, too. But lately I've been too scared! :/ So I try to every other day. Maybe one day I'll be able to just do it once or twice a week, but for now? Eh. It keeps me accountable for what I eat.

Sarah said...

Beth, I totally get it! I had to stop weighing myself every day over a month ago because not only was I a slave to it, but I was also setting myself up for sabotage by doing the same thing you were doing with the "Do I/Dont I Deserve a Treat?" thing. It was crazy... I weigh once a week now. Sometimes even once every two weeks. I see a steady decline and I'm happy about that.

Good luck, honey! If anyone can do this, YOU can! NOW DO IT! :)

xo
Sarah @ Thinfluenced

Fluffy said...

I can't wait to hear what you think of CrossFit!

Lap Band Gal said...

awesome post....I still struggle with "fat girl Fridays" after a good weigh in .... sigh

Leslie said...

First off, thanks for the shout out to my Scale Whore Challenge. Second, I talk to my mom on my commute every morning too! :-)

I totally understand where you are coming from with the scale. It's so hard to not weigh yourself because you want to make sure you are doing okay but then you can justify treats and whatnot when that number is good and then you turn to that comfort food (or at least I do) when the number is not so great. Sigh. It's so hard and I'm still struggling with it. We can be support for each other, sound good? :-)

FitBy40 said...

Yup, I get it and I feel you. I have only just in the past few weeks stopped weighing every day. Now I'm down to about 4 times a week! I just feel it's a control issue for me. Good luck with your trial separation!

Kerri said...

My love, I had a serious issue with the scale and it would determine what mood I would be in for the day. I had to break away from that. I "officially" weigh-in once a week. That weight is documented. I do sometimes step on the scale for a sneak but whether it is up or down, it is not documented. Just a number on the scale that is gone as soon as the scale shuts itself off. I think if you can handle stepping on the scale daily and still being mentally healthy then go for it. I couldn't. :)