Affection and insecurity.

Lately I have been thinking about displays of affection, public or otherwise.  I LOVE hugs!  But if you ask my friends, they would say that I'm not a huggy person.  I think this is for two reasons:

1. BFF is an super huggy person.  She will hug anybody at any time...strangers, friends, random people on the street it doesn't matter.  And we aren't talking a side hug or a back pat, these are full on power hugs.  Lizard is also extrememly huggy.  It is quite the hugfest when the two are together!!  :)  So, with those crazy huggers, I pale in comparison.
2. I hug back when hugged, but I don't often initiate the hugs.

Let's think about that second point a bit...  Lizard said that she never thinks of me as an awkward hugger.  If I'm hugged, I hug back.  She said that some people get uncomfortable with hugs, but she doesn't see me that way.  That's good!  But why do I not initiate them many times?

I always thought that it was because I respected personal space.  Some people don't like hugs, so I'm not going to make them uncomfortable.  So I wait for them to hug me and I hug them back.  That makes sense, I guess, but there is a fundamental problem.  If everyone practiced that, then there would be no hugs.  And that just isn't right!

So, what is it really?  When I break it down and I'm honest with myself, for me, avoiding displays of affection come from fear of rejection.  I think back to growing up and I didn't start out with very good friends in the first few grades.  They would as easily make fun of me as do something friendly.  They would set me up to embarrass me all the time.  I was often the butt of the joke.  Later on, I started to get better friends, but I think the inner damage was done.

To go even further, when I started getting into boys, it just got worse.  I remember in college, two DIFFERENT hayride dates pulling their hands away when I started to hold their hand.  Even after college, one of the only boyfriends I ever had and probably the only guy I ever loved did the same thing.  Whether it makes sense or not, I think I subconciously associated all that with being fat and unworthy of the affection of cute boys.

Wow.  That sounds kind of sad and pathetic.  As much confidence as I have always had for my inside, I have had squat for the outside.  I have always felt smart, funny, fun, all that stuff.  But I have never really felt attractive and somehow that negated everything else for me. 

If I'm going to be truly honest, I still feel that way sometimes.  I know I could go out and get a date or a boyfriend.  But I don't just want a boyfriend.  I want a boyfriend that I want.  I feel that the ones I would be interested in would not be interested in me because of my looks. 

I kind of can't believe I just said that.  I'm Miss Positive Cheerleader and that is a damn depressing thought.  I can't change it overnight, but now that I have acknowledged it, I will work to change it.  I will learn to appreciate and love ALL of myself, including the outside.  So when I do meet that guy?  I will be ready for him.

Note:  as sad as all this sounds, I actually feel great!  Now that I am putting words to these insecurities, it makes me feel better.  If I know them and they are in front of me, I can knock them out.  :) 

Big hugs!