Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Affection and insecurity.

Lately I have been thinking about displays of affection, public or otherwise.  I LOVE hugs!  But if you ask my friends, they would say that I'm not a huggy person.  I think this is for two reasons:
  1. BFF is an super huggy person.  She will hug anybody at any time...strangers, friends, random people on the street it doesn't matter.  And we aren't talking a side hug or a back pat, these are full on power hugs.  Lizard is also extrememly huggy.  It is quite the hugfest when the two are together!!  :)  So, with those crazy huggers, I pale in comparison.
  2. I hug back when hugged, but I don't often initiate the hugs.
Let's think about that second point a bit...  Lizard said that she never thinks of me as an awkward hugger.  If I'm hugged, I hug back.  She said that some people get uncomfortable with hugs, but she doesn't see me that way.  That's good!  But why do I not initiate them many times?

I always thought that it was because I respected personal space.  Some people don't like hugs, so I'm not going to make them uncomfortable.  So I wait for them to hug me and I hug them back.  That makes sense, I guess, but there is a fundamental problem.  If everyone practiced that, then there would be no hugs.  And that just isn't right!

So, what is it really?  When I break it down and I'm honest with myself, for me, avoiding displays of affection come from fear of rejection.  I think back to growing up and I didn't start out with very good friends in the first few grades.  They would as easily make fun of me as do something friendly.  They would set me up to embarrass me all the time.  I was often the butt of the joke.  Later on, I started to get better friends, but I think the inner damage was done.

To go even further, when I started getting into boys, it just got worse.  I remember in college, two DIFFERENT hayride dates pulling their hands away when I started to hold their hand.  Even after college, one of the only boyfriends I ever had and probably the only guy I ever loved did the same thing.  Whether it makes sense or not, I think I subconciously associated all that with being fat and unworthy of the affection of cute boys.

Wow.  That sounds kind of sad and pathetic.  As much confidence as I have always had for my inside, I have had squat for the outside.  I have always felt smart, funny, fun, all that stuff.  But I have never really felt attractive and somehow that negated everything else for me. 

If I'm going to be truly honest, I still feel that way sometimes.  I know I could go out and get a date or a boyfriend.  But I don't just want a boyfriend.  I want a boyfriend that I want.  I feel that the ones I would be interested in would not be interested in me because of my looks. 

I kind of can't believe I just said that.  I'm Miss Positive Cheerleader and that is a damn depressing thought.  I can't change it overnight, but now that I have acknowledged it, I will work to change it.  I will learn to appreciate and love ALL of myself, including the outside.  So when I do meet that guy?  I will be ready for him.

Note:  as sad as all this sounds, I actually feel great!  Now that I am putting words to these insecurities, it makes me feel better.  If I know them and they are in front of me, I can knock them out.  :) 

Big hugs!


KMR said...

Beth Ann,
"If I'm going to be truly honest, I still feel that way sometimes. I know I could go out and get a date or a boyfriend. But I don't just want a boyfriend. I want a boyfriend that I want. I feel that the ones I would be interested in would not be interested in me because of my looks."

I really feel you on this one. That's another reason why I am single as well. I feel the men that I would be most interested in, would not be attracted to me. Hopefully this will change for me and for you as well.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

This is a great post and I applaud your bravery, it's not easy to put those feelings into words, good for you! You deserve to have the kind of boyfriend that you want!!

Ronnie said...

You're beautiful, and absolutely worthy of love and affection. I know you know this, I just wanted to reassure ya! :)

Cece said...

While I agree with the others, I want to add that I think our current society is not that accepting of simply hand-holding or walking arm in arm (as a connection either opposite sex or same sex). I think that's sad. "We" have no problem, however, with a 15 year old parading around like a hooker with her boobs and ass hanging out or an 8 year old with JUICY on her butt ... sad ...

dede said...

You are doing a great job, I just looked thru your pictures, and you are also beautiful! You have an amazing smile and sparkling eyes and keep waiting on the guy YOU want. You're an inspiration to me!

Anonymous said...

BETH ANN!!!! I can comment! Firstly, bravo for the bravery on this post! You are beautiful and the man YOU want might just be thinking the same thing. lol.

I've been trying to comment for weeks and now I can so I'm gonna go crazy here but THANK YOU for your support every week. I appreciate your positivity! I have had so much to say over the last few weeks of not being able to comment and TAH DAH - Google Chrome was the answer. Now I can't remember what else I was so desperate to tell you but this isn't the last of me and THANK YOU!

Cat said...

Beth Ann, this is an amazing blog post. I know you know...but you are so beautiful and deserve the man of your dreams. He's out there and you'll meet him. *puffy AND sparkly hearts*

Justawallflower said...

I never initiate hugs either. I don't mind them, and always return them, but feel ackward initiating them as well. I'm not very good at expressing feeling. I can talk about them, sometimes, but not show them.