Thursday, August 18, 2011

I'm a sensitive person.

It kinda felt weird to not go to CrossFit this morning, but I did really enjoy the extra sleep.  I had NO issues sleeping through that extra hour.  In fact, I find it harder to get up on these days than I do on the early days.  I wonder if it is because CF is still new & exciting.  If so, I hope it lasts for a while longer!  Oh, and I officially made my fill appointment for 9/06.  It isn't with the super hot fill doctor, but it is with my original surgeon, so I feel in very good hands.  I will decide what to do once I know my weight and measurements on 8/31.

So...the topic.  Sensitivity.  When I was growing up, people always told me I was too sensitive.  My brother made fun of me for crying all the time.  My "friends" would push my buttons just to see my emotional reactions and I didn't disappoint.  As I grew up, I learned to associate "sensitive" with fat, whiny baby.  It took me a long while, but I learned to push those feelings down deep and I didn't let them out unless it would be in anger.  For some reason, especially with my job, anger is an acceptable emotion.  Being hurt or sad, were not acceptable.

That worked okay for a long while.  But I think that it made me unhappy because I always felt taken advantage of.  I wasn't being taken advantage of, of course, because if you don't express your feelings and desires, people won't know them.  And I knew that, so I didn't get mad at others...but I think it did contribute to a growing depression.  I wanted so badly for everyone to like me that I tried to be something that I wasn't.  What is so ironic about the whole situation is that the more I tried to be this other person that would be so popular, the less likeable I became. 

I never realized that I was depressed until I wasn't anymore.  I'm such a positive and upbeat person, that I just couldn't imagine that I was depressed.  I knew I was sad.  I knew that I was getting angry at everyone around me.  I knew that I had increasing anxiety issues.  But it couldn't be because of depression, because I'm a happy person.  Right?

I've written before about the catalyst for my life change.  In January 2009, I was moving and my parents came to visit and help.  At the beginning of the visit, my dad collapsed and for a brief time, I thought my dad had died at my feet.  He was fine, it was just a fluke thing.  But, it triggered anxiety like I could never imagine.  I would go to bed at night convinced I wasn't going to wake up.  I felt so lost and didn't understand what was my place was in the world.  It was the toughest time in my life.

I think I had pushed down these feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, whatever, so far...that I just came busting loose at the seams.  How had I gotten myself here?  I didn't know, but I knew I wanted to get out.  I still didn't think I was depressed, but I saw a counselor to help me sort it out.  I needed an impartial third party to make sure that I was on the right track.  My first step was to improve my relationship with God.  I'm not a preachy person to others and I'm not super comfortable talking about it, but God is important in my life.  I went through the RCIA program to become Catholic (I had attended Mass for years) and that helped me sort out a lot about who I am as a person and who I want to be.

Close to the end of the program, when I felt that I was getting closer to what I wanted on the inside, I decided to tackle the outside.  A quick few weeks on a diet told me that it was going to take more than that and that is when I started along the path to surgery. 

While figuring out the person I want to be, my main goal in life was (is still) to make decisions throughout each day that would allow me to fall asleep peacefully every night.  I used to obsess over everything and want to control all situations.  Now, I just try to be a good person and make good choices.  Sometimes, that is allowing myself to feel hurt or to be sad.  When I'm feeling hurt or sad, I allow myself to show those emotions.  But I continue that goal of good choices.  So, I try not to say things or do things OUT OF those emotions.

There is nothing wrong with being a sensitive person.  And being sensitive doesn't mean anything other than being sensitive.  I think that it has made me more compassionate.  I think it has made me much quicker to compliment others.  I think it has made me realize how my actions affect others.

I used to be a lot of drama.  I didn't mean to be...I really didn't.  But now I'm not.  In fact, drama makes me retreat very quickly.  I am what you see.  If you don't like me, then I'm okay with that because I like me.  Acknowledging my sensitivity has also helped me forge better friendships.  I understand what I need from a friendship and what I can contribute best, so I gravitate toward people that can balance that. 

Again, this is another thing that won't change overnight.  Sometimes I still make choices that I regret and come up in my mind as I'm going to sleep.  But instead of obsessing, I promise myself to do better next time.  It has helped me to think before I act.

It has been a very reflective week.  :)  It is such a nice feeling of peace to be able to look at yourself clearly.  I'm not perfect...actually, I'm betting that sometimes, I really suck.  But I will face that head on as it comes because it is not fair for others around me and does me no good in the end to do anything else.

Love & hugs!!


FitBy40 said...

You are a woman in touch with your emotions. I love that!
Great post.

Cece said...

Most people are afraid to be reflective ... glad you are not ... glad you are sensitive. Both are great qualities ~ don't let the bullys tell you anything differently (how interesting that there are bullys both in childhood and in adulthood ... )

Stephanie said...

You are truly an inspiration and I'm thrilled to call you my friend and roommie! :)

JRD said...

This is a fab post, Beth Ann - so articulate and compassionate to yourself. I also struggled with serious depression this past year, and I had a really hard time accepting it as well. Love reading about your journey.

~Lisa~ said...

As a fellow Catholic, I understand your words and they touch me deep inside. I do love this post, and I love the thought of going to bed knowing that good decisions were made.. It IS good to be sensitive, caring and compassionate.

I refuse to take the bet, because I know in my heart of hearts that you do NOT suck....

Ronnie said...

I used to think it was a bad thing to be sensitive, too... but it isn't. :) We're just tenderhearted and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that! Like you said, it makes us more compassionate people.

I'm glad you're finding your happy place in this world, be it through friendships, religion, or anything else. You deserve it.

Can't believe people would purposefully try to make you cry - that's horrible. :(

Leslie said...

I love you, your blog just speaks to me.

That is all. :)

Cat said...

I have always thought of myself as sensitive. Over sensitive even sometimes. Things offend me and anger me and make me sad very easily. I can understand exactly what you're discussing today. Thanks for sharing this personal side of you with us. *puffy hearts*

Stephanie M. said...

There's nothing at all wrong with being sensitive, and I love what you said here. You rock!

Laura Belle said...

Great post! So honest and really, informational. Not just about you but about what different people 'feel' like. I love it. I love how your 'grew'. Depression is scary, and it can come in MANY different forms. The important thing is that your were insightful enough to seek additional help. That's huge! Most people can't do that.

I just heart you so much!!!

Justawallflower said...

wow, I really enjoyed this post. It is full of stuff I have experienced in the past, or hope to experience. I'm glad you have allowed yourself to feel your emotions. there is never any shame in that!