I'm a sensitive person.

It kinda felt weird to not go to CrossFit this morning, but I did really enjoy the extra sleep.  I had NO issues sleeping through that extra hour.  In fact, I find it harder to get up on these days than I do on the early days.  I wonder if it is because CF is still new & exciting.  If so, I hope it lasts for a while longer!  Oh, and I officially made my fill appointment for 9/06.  It isn't with the super hot fill doctor, but it is with my original surgeon, so I feel in very good hands.  I will decide what to do once I know my weight and measurements on 8/31.

So...the topic.  Sensitivity.  When I was growing up, people always told me I was too sensitive.  My brother made fun of me for crying all the time.  My "friends" would push my buttons just to see my emotional reactions and I didn't disappoint.  As I grew up, I learned to associate "sensitive" with fat, whiny baby.  It took me a long while, but I learned to push those feelings down deep and I didn't let them out unless it would be in anger.  For some reason, especially with my job, anger is an acceptable emotion.  Being hurt or sad, were not acceptable.

That worked okay for a long while.  But I think that it made me unhappy because I always felt taken advantage of.  I wasn't being taken advantage of, of course, because if you don't express your feelings and desires, people won't know them.  And I knew that, so I didn't get mad at others...but I think it did contribute to a growing depression.  I wanted so badly for everyone to like me that I tried to be something that I wasn't.  What is so ironic about the whole situation is that the more I tried to be this other person that would be so popular, the less likeable I became. 

I never realized that I was depressed until I wasn't anymore.  I'm such a positive and upbeat person, that I just couldn't imagine that I was depressed.  I knew I was sad.  I knew that I was getting angry at everyone around me.  I knew that I had increasing anxiety issues.  But it couldn't be because of depression, because I'm a happy person.  Right?

I've written before about the catalyst for my life change.  In January 2009, I was moving and my parents came to visit and help.  At the beginning of the visit, my dad collapsed and for a brief time, I thought my dad had died at my feet.  He was fine, it was just a fluke thing.  But, it triggered anxiety like I could never imagine.  I would go to bed at night convinced I wasn't going to wake up.  I felt so lost and didn't understand what was my place was in the world.  It was the toughest time in my life.

I think I had pushed down these feelings of fear, hurt, sadness, whatever, so far...that I just came busting loose at the seams.  How had I gotten myself here?  I didn't know, but I knew I wanted to get out.  I still didn't think I was depressed, but I saw a counselor to help me sort it out.  I needed an impartial third party to make sure that I was on the right track.  My first step was to improve my relationship with God.  I'm not a preachy person to others and I'm not super comfortable talking about it, but God is important in my life.  I went through the RCIA program to become Catholic (I had attended Mass for years) and that helped me sort out a lot about who I am as a person and who I want to be.

Close to the end of the program, when I felt that I was getting closer to what I wanted on the inside, I decided to tackle the outside.  A quick few weeks on a diet told me that it was going to take more than that and that is when I started along the path to surgery. 

While figuring out the person I want to be, my main goal in life was (is still) to make decisions throughout each day that would allow me to fall asleep peacefully every night.  I used to obsess over everything and want to control all situations.  Now, I just try to be a good person and make good choices.  Sometimes, that is allowing myself to feel hurt or to be sad.  When I'm feeling hurt or sad, I allow myself to show those emotions.  But I continue that goal of good choices.  So, I try not to say things or do things OUT OF those emotions.

There is nothing wrong with being a sensitive person.  And being sensitive doesn't mean anything other than being sensitive.  I think that it has made me more compassionate.  I think it has made me much quicker to compliment others.  I think it has made me realize how my actions affect others.

I used to be a lot of drama.  I didn't mean to be...I really didn't.  But now I'm not.  In fact, drama makes me retreat very quickly.  I am what you see.  If you don't like me, then I'm okay with that because I like me.  Acknowledging my sensitivity has also helped me forge better friendships.  I understand what I need from a friendship and what I can contribute best, so I gravitate toward people that can balance that. 

Again, this is another thing that won't change overnight.  Sometimes I still make choices that I regret and come up in my mind as I'm going to sleep.  But instead of obsessing, I promise myself to do better next time.  It has helped me to think before I act.

It has been a very reflective week.  :)  It is such a nice feeling of peace to be able to look at yourself clearly.  I'm not perfect...actually, I'm betting that sometimes, I really suck.  But I will face that head on as it comes because it is not fair for others around me and does me no good in the end to do anything else.

Love & hugs!!