Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Bullies and No Sleep

I read another blog post yesterday that got me thinking.  The poster was talking about high school and bullies.  She has a reunion coming up and no desire to go see the people that made her life miserable.  That struck a chord with me. 

First, for the reason you first think.  I was a fat kid and I got bullied.  I remember the nicknames and taunts...Buffalo Butt, Save the Whales, Cheerios (this one seems benign, but it was still hurtful.  I had a tight perm and they said that my hair looked like Cheerios.)  The teasing and meanness made me miserable and it makes me sad to think about it.

Second, is for a much more upsetting reason.  My reaction to being bullied was to turn into a bully myself.  As I was trying to change my life a few years ago, it was easy to remember being bullied.  And as I started to accept and even love myself, I started forgiving those people in my head, but I still wasn't finding closure.  What was harder to remember and to accept was MY actions growing up.  I guess the abused became the abuser?  It is so upsetting to remember some of the taunts I myself launched. 

For example, a while ago, I saw a guy on Facebook that lived a couple of streets over from me growing up.  He was different and I know that we didn't treat him well.  It turns out that he is gay which explains so very much.  Where and when I grew up, that wasn't something we discussed, at least not in our reality.  I have no idea if I would have treated him better if I would have known he was gay at the time or not, but it doesn't matter.  The point is that I should have treated him better regardless.  I should have treated him the way that I wanted to be treated.  Everyone has something and quite honestly, it isn't our business.  He who is without sin should cast the first stone.  Whether you are Christian or not, we all know that we should be nice to others.

A few years ago, I made a pact with myself to forgive those who bullied me.  Additionally, I admitted my behavior (to myself and to God) and I committed to curb my judgement and vowed not to bully.  I'm not perfect and sometimes I do get judgey, but I do try very hard to treat people the way I would want to be treated.  The biggest thing I have learned?  You never regret treating someone with respect or giving them the benefit of the doubt.  I can't change the past, no one can.  But I can control my future.

Dramatic change of subject...last night I was travel agenting before bed.  I don't know if I was just excited about the upcoming trips or what, but I couldn't sleep.  It was a horrible night.  Here is the readout from my Fitbit:

I have more restlessness than say, BFF whose readout might show one skinny little pink line each night.  If I have less than 45 minutes of restlessness through the night, it is a win.  But this was ridiculous.  I really wanted to go to CrossFit this morning because it was a great planned workout, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. 

Today's nutrition plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (2x), veggie & cheese fritatta
Lunch:  chicken burger and sweet potato
Snack:  roast beef and laughing cow
Dinner:  chicken burger (different flavor) and veggie stir fry

Today's fitness plan:
CrossFit:  FAIL
Lunch:  10:00 treadmill and 15:00 AMRAP Cindy CrossFit workout:  5 pull ups (I will sub sit ups because I don't have access to a pull up bar), 10 push ups, 15 squats.



Mel said...

WOW... you totally blew me away with this as I have always felt so alone in my own bullying/bully-er experience. It took me a very long time to come to terms with the way I responded and the pain that I caused other people. It was also much easier for me to forgive those who had hurt me. Great blog topic and one I think I may steal from you! :)

Sarah Kopf said...

The bullying thing strikes a huge chord with me. We were a very poor farm family and I was bullied constantly. One kid, Matt, punched and kicked me almost daily. It was HORRENDOUS. The things they said were awful... Fast forward to sophmore year when I morphed into a fairly good looking girl, it finally stopped- but the damage was done. I forgave, but have never forgotten. I'm sorry that you went through that too...


KajunDee said...

I was not overweight in school but still bullied and it's crazy how can remember those times so much more easily than the good.

Vanessa said...

I love this post! I was also bullied - They called me Bronto - short for brontosaurus... it wasn't pretty and then I turned into a bully...urgh...