I'm ready.

I'm not sure if I came to a decision or if the decision came to me.  I really thought a lot over the weekend about what I want. 

What I truly want is to be able to eat healthy things, work out and live a healthy and balanced lifestyle.  Unfortunately, I have determined (and history supports) that isn't something I can seem to consistently do.  What else does history say?  I mean, I have a blog and have had for over four years.  What was I doing when I was losing and what was I doing when I wasn't?

I spent a lot of time reading old posts.  One post in particular really stuck out for me.  When I wrote that post, I was 20 pounds less than I am now.  Those 20 pounds seem to be the barrier between general discomfort and hope. 

I read this post several times and tried to feel out where I am now. 

1. I've addressed the health reasons recently and I'm still super great in that department!  The one negative is that with the extra weight, my body (particularly my knees and feet) are hurting more with exercise.
2. I'm still a 14-16.  With the muscle building I have done the last few years, I think I would get to the same size as I was in that post losing less than 20 pounds.  But I'm still a far cry from the 22-24 I was or even the 18W that I spent so much time in.
3. This one is the key.  I'm just not comfortable.  I discussed that before.  I have lost confidence.
4. Control...hmmm, yeah, definitely don't feel in control of my weight.  It is definitely controlling me.
5. That means that it is starting to dictate my choices.  That is NOT acceptable.  

I really focused on reading the posts that I wrote during successful weight loss months.  What did those posts have in common?

• I hardly wrote a thing about what I ate. 
• I was restricted band-wise.
• I had a large focus on working out.
• I still had a lot of ups and downs and fought bad eating the same way I do all the rest of the time.  :-)

Why have I been resisting a fill?

• My most common response about not getting a fill is that it limits what I can eat.  With proper restriction, I can't eat many meats and vegetables and other healthy items.
• If I'm honest with myself, my other reason is that I won't get to enjoy many of the restaurants we go to.

Let me pro/con these.  First...healthy eating.  I do agree that long term, I don't want to live on a "band" diet.  I just don't.  If I were at or near my goal weight, I wouldn't even be having this conversation with myself.  That is not to say I have ANY judgement whatsoever about anyone that chooses otherwise.  I'm a strong believer in everyone doing what is right for THEM, other people's judgements be damned.  I want to eat an 80/20% paleo diet.  I cannot do that with band restriction.

That said, I have no issue with myself using the band (again, still, some more) as the tool it is intended to be.  Let's be real, if someone told me to take a pill that guaranteed that I would lose weight, but it might have negative effects way long term...I would totally do it.  So, yes, healthy eating is important, but it is relative.  I don't HAVE to eat unhealthy with band restriction.  It is just harder for me.  This is just not an issue that in the short term should keep me from doing everything I need to do to be successful.   

Now, to my hot button.  Enjoying food.  When I got back and read all my posts from the weight loss months, I still went out.  A lot.  I ate what I could, but it was all in moderation and while it is true that there were a lot of things I couldn't eat.  I can't say that I didn't care, I did.  But I was losing weight and making choices that would help toward that end.  I was getting control of myself and I was happy.  So this reason is bullsh*t too.

Tomorrow morning I'm getting a fill.  I'm going to do my very best to go into this with the vigor and commitment I know I can have. 

Tomorrow night, BFF & I have dinner plans with friends.  I think BFF was a little disappointed that I was getting a fill and said that basically she would go wherever I wanted.  I told her that I was going to get a smoothie and we could go anywhere.  She was afraid if they ate pizza that I would be sad.  Is it super fun being the one drinking a smoothie when everyone else is eating pizza?  No, of course not.  But like I told her, I have a choice.  And today I'm making the choice to fight.  I will not be comfortable at this weight.  I will not settle for "fine." 

Today, I'm committing to myself that I care more about my body than I do about food.  I won't be perfect, but I will not let perfect be the enemy of good.

Let's do this.

Hugs!

Contemplating the Balance

Yesterday felt good.  Just laying it all out there for myself was cathartic.  I'm still not 100% sure what my decision or plan will be going forward long term and I'm okay with that.  It will come. 

I made some great choices yesterday.  I avoided the department that housed the peanut butter brownie pizza.  I ate my yogurt with some fruit while most everyone else had cupcakes.  And I made the decision to pack for CrossFit even though

1. I had already gone 3x this week.  (But I had only gone twice a couple of weeks in March, so I had some sessions to spare.)
2.  My accountability partner person texted me right before I went to sleep that she wasn't going.  (But that didn't mean I shouldn't!)
3.  The scheduled workout was ridiculous.  (I told myself that I just needed to get there and even if I did a 1/4 of it, that was better than skipping.)

Then I sat down and planned out my meals for today.  I NEVER do that for Fridays.  BFF & I spoke and decided on Rockfish for lunch and Joe's Crab Shack for dinner. 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (x2), 2 boiled eggs and 1/2 chicken burger patty  (I only had 1 egg the rest of the week, but yesterday I really struggled with hunger.  I'm debating eating just one at breakfast and having the other later if I do get hungry.)
Lunch:  Rockfish healthy menu, cup of gumbo, scallops, new potatoes & asparagus. 
Snack:  Yogurt
Dinner:  Crab legs (yum!)
Snack:  Grapes

If I can stick to this plan, it will be one of the most successful Fridays I have had in a long time.  You know what else was a success?  Last night's sleep.  I had 94% efficiency which is super awesome for me. 

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  Check!  I scaled the planned workout to 21-15-9 Thrusters 55# & Burpees.  I finished in 12:10.  It was brutal even scaled (to just over 1/2).  I was so impressed with the people that were doing it all (21-18-15-12-9-6-3).  Amazing.

I don't want anyone to get the impression that I'm upset or giving up or anything of that sort.  I'm just trying to find the balance I want and be realistic about what I can reasonably expect from my efforts.

Hugs!

Crossroads - what do I want?

I feel a bit as if I'm at a Crossroads today.  Last week, when the hormones took over and I was just done and had accepted that "I would just be a fat cat lady forever", I didn't worry.  I took it for what it was, got through it and got back on track.  What I'm feeling this week is a little different.

After my 2012 weight gain settled and I refocused, I have done a great job of maintaining.  But I haven't really lost much of what I gained.  The thing I have to figure out is whether my life is awesome enough as it is and continue as I am with the expectation that I will maintain.  Or do I truly want to lose weight and am I willing to change something to make that happen?

I've talked before about how much healthier I am now than at almost any other time in my life.  I work out (a lot!) regularly, I eat healthily about 80% of the time and I no longer need medications or specialty equipment (think CPAP) for anything other than allergies.  I have come so far from where I was that sometimes I forget to appreciate it. 

The reasons I feel like I want to and should lose more weight:

1.  The biggest number one reason is that I don't feel comfortable at this size.  When I was 20 pounds lighter, I felt like I blended in.  At this weight, there is never a time where I don't feel like the fat girl.  I remember what it felt like before and I miss that.

2.  My workouts would be so much easier on my knees if I lost weight.  I was faster and even stronger, I think, when I was leaner.

3.  Clothes.

4.  I think I would sleep better.

5.  Do I need more reasons?  I think that first one sums up the true reason I want to keep fighting.  Everything else is just words...

Okay, so I have been logging my food now religiously (no pun intended) since Ash Wednesday.  What do I see?

1.  Weekends.  This continues to be my biggest struggle. 

2.  Nope, #1 is pretty much it.  Although I do notice that I have a hard time saying no to things when they are offered during the week.  It just doesn't happen as often.

I can say all sorts of things here about how I plan to do this or that, but until I show some action for more than one week in a row, things aren't going to change.  What do I really want? 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream, boiled egg, 1/2 chicken burger patty
Lunch:  Pie Five pepperoni & veggie thin crust pizza
Snack:  Greek yogurt*
Dinner:  Enchilada Casserole with dollop of sour cream

* The snack gets an asterisk because today we are having cupcakes in the afternoon.  Will I be able to forgo cupcakes for my yogurt?  This is literally a perfect example of what I'm talking about.  If I eat my yogurt (and the rest of what is listed above), I'm perfectly within my calorie range for the day.  In fact, I have a few calories left over if I want some fruit after dinner.  If I eat the cupcake, I am not.  Simple as that.  What do I want?

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  Check!  Clean Pulls 3x6 115#, Press 1 + 1/2 rep 10x 90#, 4:00 AMRAP Power Snatches 65#, 31 reps

I told my friend at CrossFit that I would go tomorrow if she would and she committed.  So now I just have to get my booty up and go!  Again...what do I want?

Hugs!

Well, that wasn't what I meant to do.

I have a headache this morning because I have a bit of a hangover.  We went to Ojeda's (delicious!) for Debi's birthday last night.  My intention was an appropriate amount (is there really one?) of chips and queso, tortilla soup and a skinny margarita.  Seems reasonable?  I ended up with the appropriate amount of chips and queso, veggie fajitas (not terrible), TWO skinny margaritas and one sopapilla. 

I definitely went over my calories for the day, but with my two workouts, I came very close to breaking even (within 150 calories.)  So, not something that is great on day #2 of a "reset", but it is reasonable for a celebration which is what it was.  I'm so fortunate to have found such a great friend in Debi and I was thrilled to celebrate her birthday!!

As I was passing out in bed (BFF was the DD!), I remembered I hadn't logged my sopapilla and decided I would remember to do it when I woke up.  I couldn't fall asleep until I did it.  Ha!  At least I'm developing that good habit. 

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  Latte, 1/2 chicken burger, boiled egg
Lunch:  enchilada casserole with dollop light sour cream
Snack:  Greek Yogurt
Dinner:  Hamburger patty with stir fry veggies

Today's Fitness Plan:
Lunch:  15:00 Treadmill (include at least 1 tabata, maybe 2), 25 Push ups, 50 Sit ups, 75 Air Squats

I'm going to go take an Advil now.  :-)

Hugs!

Randomicity

For only the second time since I got my new Fitbit, I broke 90% sleep efficiency last night.  I wish I knew what I did so I could make that happen again!

Does anyone watch the Good Wife?  I got caught up last night and OMG!!!  I love that show.

I ate two cookies yesterday. They were Tiff's Treats which are awesome.  They fit in my calorie allotment for the day, I mean not the best choice of use for the calories nutrition-wise, but it worked out.  They were delicious, by the way.

I'm feeling a little random. 

I'm taking one of my besties out to dinner for her birthday.  Some of you know Debi.  She is thebomb.com.  BFF & ShareBear are coming too.  YAY!

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (multiple servings are getting to be a habit...2x), boiled egg, 1/2 chicken burger patty
Lunch:  enchilada casserole with a dollop of sour cream
Snack:  Greek yogurt
Dinner:  We are going out for Mexican.  I know I will eat chips and queso, so I wonder if I can get myself to just have tortilla soup for dinner?  I like it.  Hmmm...let's see if I can make that happen.

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  check!  More below.
Lunch:  I'm going to try doing the walking and reading thing again.  I'm reading the Shining and it is getting super creepy, so I would rather read while I'm working out than when I'm home alone about to go to sleep!

CrossFit was good today.  I mean, the workout was full of things I don't like, but I would never get myself to do these things regularly...that's why I go to CrossFit.  After a quick warm up, we worked on the rings.  Have you ever tried ring dips?  I'm just too damn heavy.  Ugh.

Workout:  4 rounds, interval style (meaning rest as needed between rounds):  400m run, 5 Deadlifts, 10 Burpees.  I scaled the 400m runs to 200m runs which meant I could keep up with everyone.  I lifted 125# on the deadlifts which was only 10# below Rx.  I did the burpees true to form.  Burpees suck.  I don't think some of the girls I work out with realize that me doing burpees is like them doing them with a 50-80# vest.  But gosh darn it, I did every single one of those mofo's. 

We ended with GHD situps.  The GHD's were all taken, so I did 30 regular situps.  I've gotten into a habit of doing 50 situps at lunch after I do whatever I do, so I will do that again today.

I'm feeling Spring start to come in the air and that makes me happy!

Hugs!

Face the Consequences and Reset

Good Monday morning to you!  Last week sucked.  That's all there is to it.  Late last week, I would have been perfectly fine not counting another calorie in my lifetime, getting fat and surrounding myself with cats.  The thing is...deep down, even then, I knew that isn't true.  So, today I face the consequences and I get back on that horse/wagon/etc.

You know that old story about a fat person walking into the gym?  They see all the in-shape people working out and say, "What are you doing here?  You're done!"  That always makes me laugh.  It's funny because it is true.  Not that in-shape people are done, but that fat (minded) people think there is an end.  Don't we?  I constantly say that this is a life long struggle, but I think I still think somewhere deep down, I feel like at some point it will get easy.  That someday, "when I'm done", I won't have to work SO hard to just maintain and be healthy.  But there truly is no end.  Last week, that just got to be too much to handle.  Today, I'm rejuvenated and ready to fight on.

The damage was worse that I would have liked it to be.  But, damn it, I wrote everything down.  So, there is no hiding from it.  I have no new magic plan, I'm just getting back to it.

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (x1.5), boiled egg  (usually I would have more, but I had a meeting)
Lunch:  I made an enchilada casserole yesterday for my lunches this week.  I layered enchilada sauce, corn tortillas, taco chicken (crock pot chicken thighs with rotel & black beans), and shredded cheese.  I top it with a bit of sour cream.  It is really good!
Snack:  greek yogurt
Dinner:  hamburger patty with stir fried mushrooms and asparagus.

Today's Fitness Plan:
CrossFit:  Check!  Back Squats, Romanian Deadlifts, with a side of push ups and Russian twists. 
Lunch:  Check!  Nothing too strenuous, but walked on the treadmill various speeds from 3.2-3.8 mph and at an incline between 5-15 while I read my book.  I like this reading/light second workout combo I have going on.   

I'm picking BFF up at the airport tonight.  She has been home visiting her family.  I spent the weekend watching basketball.  Although I did take time outs for lash maintenance and to see Divergent with Debi.  FYI...as a person that did not read the book, I thought the movie was very good.

I'm looking forward to a normal week.  Hopefully I can lose my shame bloat.  HA!

Hugs! 

Manage the Damage

Confession.  I didn't go to Jazzercise last night.  I could blame it on my knee which did (and still does) bother me, but I could have done low impact stuff. The truth is that I was super cranky (think hormonal) and just wanted to go home and watch basketball.  So I did. 

The bad thing is that the MF scale rewarded that behavior this morning by posting  my lowest weight in a couple of weeks.  Whatever. 

Today's (no-meat) nutrition plan:
Breakfast: latte, veggie and cheese fritatta
Lunch:  sweet potato with laughing cow and single serve mac and cheese (I'm not proud of that, but it is better than what I would eat if I went out, so I'm picking the lesser evil.)
Snack:  mixed nuts
Dinner:  I could pretend otherwise, but I'm 99.9% sure I will be eating Fuzzy's chips & queso for dinner.

I decided that I have a choice.  I can ignore the fact that I'm obviously in some dark hormonal place and pretend that I will stop and get some fish for dinner.  Or I can acknowledge that I have no desire to eat well today and manage the damage.  Ignoring the fact that I am overloading on carbs, it could be a lot worse.  When I'm in this type of zone (call it PMS, hormonal, whatever), my typical MO is to not blog,  to not log food and just deny, deny, deny.  It is amazing the kind of damage you can do when you do that.

So, I'm making a choice.  I'm managing the damage.  My goal for today is to come up with a realistic plan for Saturday & Sunday.  I refuse to go off the rails.  I refuse to not honor my Lenten commitment.  BUT, I also know that if I pretend everything is "normal", I will be the loser in the end.  Wow.  I sound like a basket case.  I swear I'm not.  Or at least, I don't think I am.  But I find comfort in food like an alcoholic does with a bottle.  So...manage the damage.

Today's fitness plan:
Hmmm...  I don't wanna.  Y'all, this is not normal for me.  I do cray cray stuff with food, but I'm pretty consistent with working out.  But I don't wanna.  I'm trying to get myself to commit to riding the bike while reading today.  My hope is that if I can get myself down there, maybe I will actually work out.  And if I don't...at least I get some movement and some reading in.  Manage the damage.

I know that Monday, everything will be back to normal.  Sometimes being a woman is just a bitch.

Hugs!

TTT

Today is a super busy day, so I have to move fast!

1.  I slept better last night.  Still not super, but I feel much more refreshed.  Yesterday I was a bit of a zombie.

2.  CrossFit was a 1 mile time trial today, so my knees insisted I skip.  I will head to Jazzercise tonight!

3.  One of our law firms is throwing a March Madness party today at a bar in Uptown.  I think several of us are going to head over there for lunch today.  God only knows what I will be eating, but I will try to be reasonable.  At least we are going for lunch not happy hour, so alcohol shouldn't be a temptation.

4.  Like a good girl, I'm having my regular fritatta for breakfast and I will have my meat and stir fry for dinner.  Have I told you how good vegetables are when stir fried in pecan oil?  It is magical!  All you need is a little garlic pepper and you are set.

5.  I think I have committed to staying in for lunch tomorrow.  I may or may not work out.  I'm working on a project at work that needs to be done tomorrow, so I will work on it or work out if I'm finished.  I'm afraid if I go out to lunch, I will eat badly, so I can control that.

6.  I'm having trouble with my eyelash extensions.  Honestly, I just think the girl I went to for my two refills wasn't very good.  A whole section fell out within three days.  I'm going to a new place on Saturday.  If I continue to have trouble, I will have to take them off because they are too expensive to not look anything but fantastic!

7.  I love college basketball!  I picked Michigan State in my pool, but I'm cheering for the Shockers!

8.  I'm meeting Debi for a movie on Saturday. I'm looking forward to that because it has been a while since we have gotten together.  We are seeing that Divergent (?) movie.  I don't know anything about it, but I'm sure I will like it.

9.  Got my updated picture today.  I felt super cute today and Lizard even sad I looked hot when I walked to her desk.  But I'm not thrilled with the picture... whatevs.  It is what it is.  :-)  I'm going to ignore what I think about the picture and feel hot.

 
10.  I'm glad tomorrow is Friday!  BFF is going out of town for the weekend.  I hope I use this time to be productive and not to sit around.  We will see how that goes.  Ha!

Hugs!

Bullies and No Sleep

I read another blog post yesterday that got me thinking.  The poster was talking about high school and bullies.  She has a reunion coming up and no desire to go see the people that made her life miserable.  That struck a chord with me. 

First, for the reason you first think.  I was a fat kid and I got bullied.  I remember the nicknames and taunts...Buffalo Butt, Save the Whales, Cheerios (this one seems benign, but it was still hurtful.  I had a tight perm and they said that my hair looked like Cheerios.)  The teasing and meanness made me miserable and it makes me sad to think about it.

Second, is for a much more upsetting reason.  My reaction to being bullied was to turn into a bully myself.  As I was trying to change my life a few years ago, it was easy to remember being bullied.  And as I started to accept and even love myself, I started forgiving those people in my head, but I still wasn't finding closure.  What was harder to remember and to accept was MY actions growing up.  I guess the abused became the abuser?  It is so upsetting to remember some of the taunts I myself launched. 

For example, a while ago, I saw a guy on Facebook that lived a couple of streets over from me growing up.  He was different and I know that we didn't treat him well.  It turns out that he is gay which explains so very much.  Where and when I grew up, that wasn't something we discussed, at least not in our reality.  I have no idea if I would have treated him better if I would have known he was gay at the time or not, but it doesn't matter.  The point is that I should have treated him better regardless.  I should have treated him the way that I wanted to be treated.  Everyone has something and quite honestly, it isn't our business.  He who is without sin should cast the first stone.  Whether you are Christian or not, we all know that we should be nice to others.

A few years ago, I made a pact with myself to forgive those who bullied me.  Additionally, I admitted my behavior (to myself and to God) and I committed to curb my judgement and vowed not to bully.  I'm not perfect and sometimes I do get judgey, but I do try very hard to treat people the way I would want to be treated.  The biggest thing I have learned?  You never regret treating someone with respect or giving them the benefit of the doubt.  I can't change the past, no one can.  But I can control my future.

Dramatic change of subject...last night I was travel agenting before bed.  I don't know if I was just excited about the upcoming trips or what, but I couldn't sleep.  It was a horrible night.  Here is the readout from my Fitbit:

I have more restlessness than say, BFF whose readout might show one skinny little pink line each night.  If I have less than 45 minutes of restlessness through the night, it is a win.  But this was ridiculous.  I really wanted to go to CrossFit this morning because it was a great planned workout, but I just couldn't get myself to do it. 

Today's nutrition plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (2x), veggie & cheese fritatta
Lunch:  chicken burger and sweet potato
Snack:  roast beef and laughing cow
Dinner:  chicken burger (different flavor) and veggie stir fry

Today's fitness plan:
CrossFit:  FAIL
Lunch:  10:00 treadmill and 15:00 AMRAP Cindy CrossFit workout:  5 pull ups (I will sub sit ups because I don't have access to a pull up bar), 10 push ups, 15 squats.

Hugs!

Obessive or Committed?

The last couple of days, I have been thinking about obsession vs. commitment.  What is the difference?  To me, the difference is this:

Commitment:  sticking with something, sometimes with sacrifice to a goal that positively affects your overall life.

Obsession:  commitment to the point that your overall life is affected negatively.

The thing is, that even these exact definitions mean different things to different people. 

I read a blog post (yesterday?) that got me thinking.  After losing an impressive amount of weight through Lap Band surgery (and hard work), the poster decided that she wouldn't be obsessed about food and fitness and she would live like a "normal" person.  Nobel quest, I say!  Unfortunately, she found that didn't work for her and gained some of her weight back.  This hit me so hard yesterday because I (so many of us) did the same thing.

In our quest to be "normal", we abandoned what made us successful.  We backed away from our commitment.  At least, I did.  I'm SO very proud of her for recommitting, because it would be so "easy" not to...pick your hard though, right?  I told Laura Belle yesterday that failure isn't messing up, failure is not getting up and trying again.  I truly believe that.

I have a few people in my life that have made some comments (very possibly with the best of intentions) that I'm too obsessed about food.  If I wasn't always thinking about what I was going to eat next, then I wouldn't be so hungry and my body would naturally do what it needs to do.  As I lost weight...almost 100 pounds...I started to believe that too.  After my plastic surgery, I just started living.  I didn't obsess.  Oh, maybe every whip stitch, I would pretend that I was going to focus, but I didn't.  This went on for about a year and one day, I looked in the mirror and realized that I was tumbling right back into that place from which I came.  I had gained 30 pounds.  30 pounds.  Sigh.

What I didn't realize at the time was, it wasn't just the 30 pounds.  I had lost muscle, so the real damage was even worse.  I made a promise to myself that I would do better.  I recommitted.  For six months, I did okay.  I stopped the bleeding, and managed to lose about a pound a month.  At the beginning of this year, I started focusing on a more paleo diet and refocused on fitness.  Now I feel that although I'm not perfect (who is?), I'm on a sustainable plan.

By being committed (or being obsessive?) I have lost a few more pounds and more importantly, over 11 inches.  I'm starting to see myself, that person I found but then lost again.  I still have a long way to go, but even though it is hard, I like myself more when I'm committed.  Beyond that, I think I'm more likable when I'm committed.  Certain people in my life might not understand why I have to pay SO MUCH attention to food, but that's okay.  I know, in the end, it will make my overall life better.

Today's Nutrition:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream (2 servings today)  Veggie & cheese fritatta. 
Lunch:  BFF's meatloaf & sweet potato with Laughing Cow
Snack:  mixed nuts
Dinner:  BFF's meatloaf (I forgot to defrost something.  Thank goodness the meatloaf is awesome!) with stir fry veggies
Snack:  Apple with almond butter

Today's Fitness:
CrossFit:  check! (more below)
Lunch:  Leisurely pace on the bike while I read.  (Honestly, this is more to make time for reading than for working out, but it doesn't hurt!)

Today at CrossFit, we had a quick warm up and then worked on handstand walks.  Or in my case, I kicked up on the wall a few times.  I will just need to lose some more pounds before I can do anything with a handstand. 

Then we did Presses.  Bascially, you do a press, then lower the bar halfway and then push it up again.  Last time I was able to do 90#, but I had to lower it to 85# today.  I have definitely lost strength and I'm going to focus on getting that back.

The actual workout was interval style, meaning you rest as needed between rounds.  3 rounds:  500m row, 15 kettlebell swings (35#), 30 double unders (or in my case 90 singles).  It took me around 20 minutes.

Hugs!

Yes!!

Finally!  I haven't had a "real" weightloss on a Monday morning weigh in since January.  Today's weigh-in put me down 2 pounds.  I know I have been losing inches but I'm not going to lie, it was nice to see something reflected on the scale.

Why did I lose weight THIS week?  Probably because I had about 2000 less calories this weekend.  Logging my food forced me to see what I'm eating and accept it.  I didn't eat any (or much) less this weekend.  I just made better choices.

Friday, BFF & I went out to dinner and we couldn't eat meat so we went for cheese pizza.  The best choice?  No, but it was delicious and we shared a salad and I had 1/2 the personal pizza.  Instead of having ice cream after dinner, I had an individually packaged chocolate.  So, I had a treat without going off the rails.

Saturday, I even had a doughnut for breakfast with my coffee...but I limited myself and logged it.  For lunch, I had Chipotle and I limited myself on this as well.  I ate chips, but I got a small portion and didn't even eat all of it.  For dinner, I had the leftover pizza and another of the chocolates.

Sunday, I had a cheese omelet with potatoes for breakfast.  The key was to avoid the carbs.  I love me some french toast or biscuits.  BFF & I had a show to attend, so I was able to keep from snacking all day.  I did have some potato chips when I got home from the show, but again, I limited & logged them.  For dinner, I made a steak and sweet potato.  Delicious!  I finished off the day with the last of the chocolates.

Obviously, I didn't starve myself, with the way I work out, I don't have to.  BUT, I did keep things under control.  Now let's see if I can string a couple of weeks together!!

I was supposed to meet Debi for a walk on Saturday, but the forecast was solid rain all day.  So we had decided to meet at a mall.  Friday I was not feeling well, so I begged off and we rescheduled for next weekend.  I was worried that I would use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but as seen above, I didn't.  YAY me!  And I'm glad to say that I'm feeling much better today!

I mentioned that BFF & I went to a show.  It was the world premiere of Fortress of Solitude which will move Off-Broadway later this year.  We got the tickets as part of a sampler series, and I'm so glad we did.  It was fantastic!  The music was great, the story was nice and I was thoroughly entertained.  I hope it finds success in NYC so I can say I saw it when... 

Today's fitness plan:  CrossFit (check!)

• 3 sets of 10 reps - Back Squat.  No matter how much I work out on my own, there is no substitute for heavy lifting.  I should have been able to squat 130# at least, and I was struggling a bit with 115#. 
• 5 sets of 5 reps - Romanian Deadlifts - Should have been able to do at least 120# and I was at 105#.  Got to build back the strength!
• Every :30 do one 25m shuttle run (total 50m) for 5:00.  So a total of 10 sprints.  Bleh, but I did it.

Today's food plan:
Breakfast - coffee with cream.  Cheese & veggie fritatta.  I actually put two big scoops of veggies in the food processor and then mixed them with the eggs.  We will see how it turns out!
Lunch - meatloaf (courtesy of BFF) and sweet potato
Snack - roast beef and laughing cow
Dinner - Steak & veggie stir fry

Hugs!

Ten Things Thursday

1.  BFF is sick today.  We were supposed to go to Pie Five for lunch, but I'm taking it as a sign I should stay in and eat my pork chops like my original plan.  Hopefully she will feel better soon!!

2.  I was starting plans for my 40th birthday trip to New Orleans last night.  As you may or may not know, I LOVE to travel and to plan travel.  I put together itineraries and everything.  However, I think you need to be flexible when it comes to changing the schedule if needed or wanted.  There is no place for stress in vacation!!  The reason I like to have plans is for two reasons:

1. I don't like sitting around looking at each other saying "what do you want to do?"  "I don't know, what do you want to do?"  I want to have a plan!  Basically you have something to do unless something better comes up!
2. I don't like missing out on things.  For instance, if there is something you really want to do and you don't plan ahead, they might sell out.  A little prior planning can avoid that.
3. BUT...you don't want to over plan.  In my opinion, you make room for the things you REALLY want to do, then have other things penciled in that can be changed at the last minute.  So if something awesome comes up, you do that!

3.  I logged on to American Airlines today and there is nothing that will put a smile on my face faster than seeing a list of flights ready and booked for me to take this summer!

4.  My scale is mean. 

5.  I did fit into an old size 12 pair of Levi's last night.  That felt awesome!  Until I tried the others and they are all still too little.  These are still a little too tight too, but I'm making progress at least!!  (Man, my room looks messy.  I need to hide that better when I take pictures!!)

6.  I was trying to think of ways to stay on track this weekend.  I miss my friend Debi, so we are going to meet for a walk to catch up and then have a healthy lunch.  Mostly, I just need to keep myself busy to avoid going off the rails.  This seems like a healthy and fun way to spend the day!

7.  I have another play on Sunday.  Fortress of Solitude.  I know nothing about it except for it does not appear to be about Superman like I originally thought.

8.  CrossFit was good today although I'm still not feeling strong. 

• 6 sets of 3 reps - Clean Pulls.  This is basically the first move in a Clean.  So you load up the bar and get used to pulling up that heavy weight.  I used 115#.
• 4 sets of 15 reps - Dumbbell Rows.  I used 25# weights and I think I could have gone heavier.  I guess using dumbbells in my lunch workouts is making a difference!
• 500m Row followed by 30 Cleans.  Cleans are the Olympic weightlifting move that takes the bar from the floor to your shoulders.  30 is a lot.  I struggled with 65# but I got them done.  Overall time was 6:54.  Exhausting.

9.  Today's food plan:
Breakfast - coffee with cream.  Pico & feta fritatta.  Babybel.
Lunch - crock pot pork chops 
Snack - roast beef & laughing cow (I've noticed that since our fridge broke and I have to keep my snack food across the office, I tend to eat mixed nuts instead of going and getting my snack as planned.  How lazy is that?)
Dinner - I finally get to eat the casserole BFF made.  My original leftovers got destroyed in the fridge death, but she had another serving for me.  Now I just need to remember to take it home!

10.  I built my entire outfit today around my shoes.  I bought them in Vancouver last Spring but hadn't really had anything to wear them with, but I made myself figure something out.  They are too cute to sit in the closet!

Hugs!

Dinner and the sun

Yesterday was just a joyful day.  I took my team out to lunch where we sat on the patio.  It was gorgeous and I enjoyed my Cobb salad and great company.  I really enjoy down time with my coworkers.

The afternoon was a little draggy, but I got some things done.  It is Spring Break around here so about half of the company is out.  Needless to say, it is quiet.  Although in the afternoon, BFF and I decided for sure to go to Chicago this summer and booked our plane tickets.  June and July are going to be crazy busy, but so much fun!!

Our monthly girls dinner was last night and we went to Cafe Istanbul for some Turkish food.  We had a hummus appetizer with lavash (a bread that was a cross between tortillas and pita) and cucumbers (for BFF who is gluten free.)  The hummus was seriously so good and the lavash was perfect. 

ShareBear, me, BFF selfie

The food is very similar to Greek cuisine.  Lots of lamb, olives and hummus.  ShareBear had the chicken with hummus which I tasted and it was fantastic.  BFF had lamb with the spiciest...I'm not sure what you call it because it wasn't sauce or gravy, but more of a salsa type consistency...stuff and she loved it.  She likes the spicy!  I had the Bursa Iskender which was a ground beef and lamb combination that was slow roasted.  It came over bread (it said pita bread, but it looked like cubed hamburger buns to me...no matter, it tasted good) and with a side of yogurt.  I really liked mixing the yogurt with BFF's spicy stuff and eating with the meat.  I'm not sure if I would get that dish again, but it was good and I would go back to the restaurant for the hummus alone.

You can see my sunburn starting to come out.

I ate about 1/2 of the lavash, 1/3 of the hummus, & 1/3 of my meal.  I ended up having some ice cream when I got home.  I ended the day about 220 calories over my target (but still over 500 calorie deficit) which is good for a two meal out day, I think. 

When I got home, my sunburn had fully developed.  I'm so white.  Lovely lines, eh?

Request:  if anyone has any suggestions for activities or restaurants in New Orleans, Chicago, DC or NYC, please let me know.  I'm starting to make all the summer plans and I love it when we can work in good recommendations from people.

Today's food plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream.  Pico & feta fritatta.  Babybel.
Lunch - crock pot pork chops with potatoes
Snack - roast beef with Laughing Cow
Dinner - leftover turkish food and some sauteed veggies

Today's fitness plan:
Lunch workout.  I'm not sure what yet though.  I think I will do 5 sets of 3:00 on and 1:00 off. Last time I did 3 dumbbell snatches on each side, 6 squat jumps, & 9 push ups (as many rounds as possible), but I might change it up a bit.

After being so energetic yesterday, I sure am dragging today.  Hopefully the lunch workout will help. 

Hugs!

Happy Tuesday

What a great mood I'm in today!! 

First and foremost, Master of Sex is a show on HBO about the making of the Masters and Johnson sex study starring Michael Sheen.  I promise you that it is pretty mainstream.  :-) 

Tonight is our monthly girls dinner, aka Interesting Dinner.  It is my month to choose (did you hear the groans) and I chose Cafe Istanbul which is a Turkish restaurant.  My friends wonder I why I can't just be normal and pick normal food.  I've been wanting to try this place for a while.  I loved the food when I was in Turkey and I think it will be delicious. 

But before that, I'm taking my team out for lunch on a patio because it is supposed to be 80 degrees today.  Woohoo!  Tomorrow is a different story, but we will enjoy it for today.  Seriously, it was around 55 degrees this morning.  I was sweating like a crazy person!

Since I'm going out to lunch and dinner, I HAD to go to CrossFit this morning which was good.

A.  10:00 - Every minute: Top :30 5 Toes to Bar, Bottom :30 5 Burpees.  First, this is practically what I did yesterday.  Burpees suck.  I can't touch my toes to the bar, so my scale was to lift my knees as high as I could.  I scaled the burpees to three. 

B.  10:00 AMRAP - 3 Power Clean & Jerk (75#) & 3 Box Jumps (12"), 6 PC&J, 6 Box Jumps, etc.  I made it through the round of 12 and then did 3 extra PC&J's.  I might have gone a little heavy with the 75#, but it was good work.

Today's Food Plan:
Breakfast:  coffee with cream. Pico & feta fritatta.  Babybel.
Lunch:  Cobb salad.
Snack:  Roast beef & laughing cow (or nuts.)
Dinner:  Something Turkish

One of our refrigerators at work bit the dust last night.  Everything inside is pretty much ruined.  I forgot to take home the leftovers that BFF made for me, so my Wednesday and Thursday night dinner is no mo.  It was crawfish casserole!  :-(  Anyway, I keep my leftovers in the other fridge, so they are fine.  I had my roast beef and laughing cow snacks in there though so hopefully they will live. It is probably a bad sign of their processed"ness" if they are, but whatevs.

I did something new yesterday!  I was eating my leftovers for lunch and I realized I was full so I threw away the rest of what was on my plate.  Gasp!!  Maybe there is hope for me and portion size.  But maybe it was just an anomaly.  We shall see.

BFF & I decided this morning that we are going to go to Chicago in June.  So that means, in five weekends we will be going to New Orleans, Chicago, DC & Louisiana (BFF's hometown). We are crazy.  But it will be fun! 

Hugs!

Bad News, Good News, Bad News, Good News

I had a great weekend!  Saturday I got my errands done in the morning and in the afternoon I volunteered with the fire department doing smoke detector checks.  Each truck took an area of town and we went door to door and check smoked detectors, changed batteries or installed new detectors.  It is amazing how many people don't have them.  My job was to document everything that was done.  That night BFF & I went to church and believe it or not, someone pulled the fire alarm during communion and my engine showed up.  I joked with the guys about following me to church.  How bizarre that would happen!

We got some Pho takeout and went back to my house to watch some TV.  We finished up this season of Masters of Sex and watched the first episode of True Detective.  HBO has some good stuff!  When BFF left, I watched the IU game and managed to finally fall asleep around 2am.  The time change always messes with my head. 

Sunday we went to see the play Vanya, Sonia, Masha and Spike.  It was really good!  I'm usually more of a musical girl, but this one was interesting and funny.  I didn't get up for CrossFit this morning because I didn't fall asleep until about 11pm, but I'm going to make every effort to get there tomorrow.  BFF needed a ride today anyway, so it worked out.

Now, for the news portion of the post:

Bad News.  The first bad news is that I'm up again on the scale for my 40 By 40 Challenge weigh in.  My weight goals seem to be floating off into the distance.  Even though I won't be able to make it to my goal, I would really like to get as close as possible.

Good News.  I measured and I lost 6 inches around my body.  Most notably, an inch from each thigh!  Plus another inch from my belly & hips.  So, as frustrated as I am with the scale, the real goal is to fit back into my size 12s and that is inching along (pun intended!)  I don't know how I can continue to shrink and not lose weight, but I will take it.

Good News.  I did it!  I logged every single thing that went into my mouth this weekend. 

Bad News.  It was unbelievable.  My crap eating has nothing to do with hunger.  I even made some better choices this weekend because I knew I needed to write things down, and I still went WAY over my calorie goals.  It is clear why the scale isn't moving.

Good News.  Now that I have admitted the problem to myself, I have the power to do something about it.  Baby steps.  I'm not sure how I'm going to tackle this yet, but I will.

I keep track of all my weight and measurement stats.  When I last had these stats, it was about 9 months after surgery...end of September 2010.  I decided to read my blog post from that day.  It is hard to deal with the fact that I backtracked on my weightloss journey.  But I can tell from reading that post that by that point, I was feeling truly different about myself.  (Not to mention that now I'm a CrossFitter and I could totally do a Biggest Loser workout!!)  As frustrated as I get, there is no question that my life has changed:

• No more fast food.  I cook every week and eat in more than I eat out.  I eat vegetables on purpose!  And happily so. 
• I work out like a beast!
• I avoid processed food, sugars and artificial sweeteners on a regular basis.
• Monday-Thursday, I live the healthiest life of anyone I know.

Now I just need to spread some of that weekday healthiness into my weekends.  I probably need to start blogging on the weekends.  Make myself have a nutrition plan instead of just trying to stay on task.

Today's Nutrition Plan:
Breakfast:  Coffee with cream.  Pico & Feta Fritatta.  Babybel.
Lunch:  Crockpot pork chops with fingerling potatoes.  I haven't tried this yet, so I hope it is good!
Snack:  Roast beef with a Laughing Cow.
Dinner:  BFF made a casserole and gave me leftovers. 

Today's Fitness Plan:
Lunch workout:  10:00 treadmill with one set of sprints.  15:00 OTM 3 Burpees and 3 Dumbbell Thrusters.  50 Sit ups.

Hugs!

Shut Your Mouth

I get anxious sometimes.  About silly things.  Yesterday, something happened at work and I was anxious about it all afternoon, evening, through the night, and this morning where I sit now with it still on my mind.  The weird thing is that the anxiousness CANNOT be coming from this issue.  It is a total work issue where I'm correct and my boss totally agrees.  I'm not even sure if anyone else disagrees, but I got questioned on it and it triggered this anxiety.

Honestly, I wouldn't even mind that much, but when I'm anxious, I tend to act out by talking.  I was watching the show Chicago Fire and one of the lieutenants said to the new candidate "shut your mouth" and she kept talking.  So he responds "quit talking" and yet she doesn't.  "Why are you still talking??"  "Stop talking."  It took her a while to get it.

I used to be more of a talker than I am now.  I know that a lot of the talk came from this anxiety which I used to have much more.  After finding peace with myself several years ago, I allowed myself to relax and with that came less talking.  Plus, BFF is a talker, so often I become more of a listener in the conversation.  I feel that I have become a better conversationalist and person, really.  However, when these anxious moments come up, I just can't shake them.  And I keep talking about it.  So far this morning, I have brought it up with my parents, my boss, my boss's boss, and a coworker.  Good freaking grief.  I'm done talking about it.  Why can't I be anxious about normal things anyway?

Okay...next topic.  I had my first accidental Facebook visit yesterday.  It was totally by accident and obviously just from habit.  I managed to close the window before it even fully opened.  Day 2, people...ha!

It is Day 3 of Lent and in addition to successfully staying away from FB, I have logged my food.  I have it logged for today, now I just have to stick with what I said I would eat. 

Breakfast:  coffee with cream.  Double fritatta.
Lunch:  mac and cheese cup, boiled egg, babybel
Dinner:  seafood steampot

It is meatless Friday, so BFF & I are going to a seafood place for dinner tonight.  Hopefully it won't be too crowded.  She has given up alcohol for Lent, so it should be easier for me to forego the drink with dinner as well.  Tomorrow & Sunday will be the key.  I have to keep reminding myself that my commitment, first and foremost, is to log what I eat.  If I go over my calorie allotment for the day, then at least I can own it.

CrossFit was crazy today.  The CrossFit games have started and it is the Open part of the competition where people are participating from all over the world.  This morning, several people at my box did the 14.2 work out to participate in the Open.  It was a complicated workout:

* Must complete in 3 minutes:
10 OH Squats
10 Chest to Bar pull ups
* If completed, you get 3 more minutes:
12 OH Squats
12 Chest to Bar pull ups

And so on until you can't complete a round.  If you have some time to kill, you should watch this.  These ladies make it look so easy.  I assure you, it is not.

For comparison, I scaled it to 6 reps each and used a big giant band to assist with regular pull ups.  I made it through the first 2 rounds in 3 minutes...barely.  I did a third round and only got in a few more OH squats before the 2nd 3 minutes was up.  It was chaos in the gym.

This weekend should be fun and not too busy.  Tomorrow I'm helping out the fire department while they do smoke detector checks around the neighborhood.  On Sunday, BFF and I are going to a play.  Should be fun! 

Hugs!

Ten Things Thursday...ala Laura Belle

1.  I love meat.  Might as well get right to it.  I was able to abstain yesterday, but the carbfest at dinner (while tasty) did not satisfy long.  My stomach was growling as I left home this morning.  No bueno!!

2.  Last night I had decided on popcorn shrimp from Popeye's with green beans.  But before I left work for home, I just didn't trust myself to stop.  Something told me that I was teetering on the edge and I just needed to go home.  I had a very processed, carb-loaded meal of mac and cheese and mashed potatoes with a side of rice.  Yeesh.  But I was under my calorie count for the day and I did not let it get me out of control.

3.  Speaking of calorie count...for those of you that track food, do you track to a certain calorie number everyday or do you aim for a deficit?  Meaning, everyday I try to stay at 1500 calories (or whatever) or I try to have a 500 calorie deficit for the day?  My goal is to have a 750 calorie deficit Monday-Friday and break even on the weekends.  I have been crap at it lately, but with my Lent commitment I'm hoping I will do better.

4.  CrossFit was awesome, as usual.  After the warm up (the 400m run part of the warm up wasn't even too awful today since it was actually above freezing!), we did some snatch pulls and pendlay rows (which are kind of like bent over rows with the barbell.)  I went up 10# on my snatch pulls and I stayed even with my Pendlay rows.  I did 85# on them and since we had to do 4 sets of 8, it was plenty.  In the last couple of reps each round, I would struggle.  But I got it done!

The WOD was 8:00 AMRAP: 10 kettlebell swings, 10 pistols.  I used a 35# kettlebell and I used a 16" box to assist with my pistols.  Pistols are one legged squats and I haven't mastered those, so I sit down and pop up (on one leg) on a box.  It is really good for the glutes.

5.  Has anyone made pork chops in the crockpot?  I think I might do that this weekend because I have some in the freezer I need to cook.  I have a recipe with cream of mushroom soup, mustard and some spices.  I'm sure it will be good.  What kinds of veggies do you throw in with meat in the crockpot beside carrots and potatoes?

6.  I'm ready for March Madness!  I do wish the Hoosiers were better. 

7.  I wish I weren't so messy.  How hard is it to keep things orderly?  Impossible, apparently.

8.  I have crazy dreams.  Last night I was so ticked off at BFF and threw a phone at her.  I almost laughed when I woke up.  I'm so NOT physical like that.  Later I dreamed about the Rangers.  I guess I'm ready for baseball season too.

9.  I feel good today.  The scale is still stubborn, but my body feels good.  I look forward to measuring this weekend.  I'm not expecting the inch and inch and a half losses, but it would be nice to see some movement somewhere!

10.  Day #2 of 46 has begun!  Today's food plan: same as Tuesday.
Breakfast:  coffee with cream, sausage (extra), fritatta (half)
Lunch:  pollo asada & roasted root vegetables
Snack:  apple
Dinner:  Chicken spaghetti

Special thanks to those who commented, emailed, or texted yesterday.  I didn't realize how many people I communicate with exclusively through Facebook.  <3

Hugs!

Lent is here - 46 days to go.

And so it begins.  I must have checked Facebook 50 times last night.  Ridiculousness.  I deleted it from my phone so I wouldn't see the little notification numbers taunting me.  That should help.  I did decide that reading blogs shouldn't be included.  I get so much inspiration from all of you that it seems to defeat the purpose.  So, no Facebook and other "time suckers", but blogs are okay.  I don't have that many to read anymore anyway.  I hope to find some fun bloggers out there that I'm missing out on!

I had a scale frustration moment this morning.  It continues to move up and down, but mostly up and it insists that I'm the exact same weight as I was at the beginning of the year.  It seems crazy for the amount of hard I have worked.  But again this morning at CrossFit, a friend was standing behind me during the workout and she came up to me and said that it looks like I had lost weight.  I told her that was very nice to hear because the scale wasn't budging.  That is the second time this week someone has mentioned something.  I look forward to measuring this weekend to see if there has been any additional movement there. 

My true goal is to be smaller, so I would rather have measurement losses than scale losses.  It is just frustrating.  My freshly washed and dried jeans felt bigger yesterday and my tight workout pants no longer feel like sausage casings.  So hopefully I'm not just deluding myself. 

On Fridays during Lent, it is customary in the Catholic faith to give up meat.  This also applies on Ash Wednesday.  I have gone back and forth in my head about what is appropriate and what isn't.  Meaning, I don't think it is appropriate for me (with my particular issues) to give up meat for the day if I'm going to eat a 2,000 calorie meal from Long John Silver.  The point is sacrifice, not indulgence.  I really wish I could stomach tuna.

Today's food plan:
Breakfast:  Coffee with cream.  2 hard boiled eggs and 2 Babybels.
Lunch:  Asparagus and Mushroom Fritatta (2 servings with no sides)  If I'm really hungry, I can have a serving of mixed nuts
Snack:  Apple & Nut Butter
Dinner:  TBD  I will absolutely log everything and I will let you know where I ended up tomorrow!!

Today's fitness plan:
Completed!!  CrossFit this morning.  Warm up.  15:00 OTM Deadlifts (125#).  I probably should have gone a little heavier, but I really don't want to strain anything and it wasn't light or anything.  Then 7:00 OTM:  5 Power Snatches (55#) and 5 Box Jumps (12").

12" is the smallest box they have.  I swear I get worse at these things instead of better.  Today I actually wiped out on this teeny tiny box.  Luckily I caught myself so I didn't hit my face or anything.  I swear that I was using the 14" box when I first started.  But then again I weighed 15-20 pounds less.  Extra weight has consequences.

Bottom line is that I'm feeling good and ready to face and conquer my commitments.  Lent is traditionally 40 days because Sundays are not included.  However, with my commitment, particularly the food logging, it has to be all or nothing.  So today is Day 1 of 46.  Let's do this!

Hugs!

Laissez les bons temps rouler!

It is Mardi Gras...let the good times roll!

The decision has been made.  For Lent I will be giving up Facebook and logging my food on My Fitness Pal daily.  It's funny because as I have been contemplating these things, I was scared.  I was worried that I would not be strong enough to follow through.  Today, I have no fear.  It is decided and it is what I WILL do.

I will miss keeping up with all of you over the next 6 weeks!  Please email, text or call me if you think about it.  (Is that cheating?  I don't know, do it anyway!  :-) )  

I'm finally replacing my dead Fitbit.  I'm trying to decide between the Flex and the One.  I will order it by the end of the day.  It would be nice if I could get it by Monday.  Although I could just drive to Best Buy and get one, but I probably won't.

Today's fitness plan:  10:00 on the treadmill/elliptical and include 4:00 of sprints, then 15:00 AMRAP: 7 push presses, 9 sit ups, 11 push ups.  Those push ups are going to be killer.  The CrossFit workout actually called for Toes to Bar not sit ups.  So if there is enough room, I might lay on my back and touch my feet to the wall.  If it is crowded, I will do the sit ups.

Today's food plan:
Breakfast: Coffee with cream.  Asparagus & Mushroom fritatta (1/2 serving) & breakfast sausage (extra)
Lunch:  Roasted root vegetables and pollo asada
Snack:  Apple with nut butter
Dinner:  BFF's chicken spaghetti

I'm so glad I didn't put meat in my fritatta this week.  I forgot that I can't have meat on Wednesday or Friday.  So, today and Thursday, I'm halving my egg serving and doubling my sausage so on the other two days I can drop the sausage and have extra egg.  In the end, it is the same.

I was so proud of myself because a coworker brought in King cake this morning and I passed.  I don't really LOVE it, so it would be silly to waste calories.  I need to save them for things that I really want and enjoy!

I'm fired up!  I just hope it lasts past Friday lunch.  :-) 

Hugs!

Easy or hard? Why not both?

Lent starts on Wednesday.  I have done a lot of different things for Lent over the years, but the last few years I have really concentrated on trying to actually do something that affects my life.  Some things I have done:

• Gave up sweets.
• Gave up chocolate.
• Wrote a letter per day to someone who touched my life.
• Gave up one evening of television per week to read instead.

This year I'm giving up social media.  I'm not going to give up blogging because it is one thing that helps me stay somewhat accountable to myself, but I'm giving up Facebook (and similar sites), reading blogs, and sites like 9gag or happyplace...basically anything where I'm logging on to the internet for social reasons, not for education or work.  This decision was inspired by a comment I made about not having any time to read these days.  Sunday's homily at church was about priorities.  We all make time for the things that we want to do.  Whatever it is, if we TRULY want to do it, we will find the time.  If we don't want to do it or we are somewhat apathetic, we will make excuses or not work to find the time.

It is not true that I don't have time to read books.  The truth is that I spend a lot of time on the internet and don't use that time in a focused way.  I fully plan to be back into it (perhaps in a more focused way) after Easter, but after tomorrow until Easter, it is a solid break.  As much as I feel that social media and internet time suckers have become habits for me, I do not feel anxious about giving them up.  I would be more anxious if I only allowed myself 30 minutes in the evening (or something like that).  But a clean break for Lent causes no stress.

The more I started thinking about that, the less impressed I was with my decision.  Not that Lenten promises should cause you stress, that's not what I mean.  I'm typically very strong when it comes to these promises.  Perhaps I should do something that would help my weight loss issues.  I have many challenges there, why am I not choosing something that would help me with it?  I know why.  It is because it is scary and it will be hard.

One of my favorite JFK quotes, loosely quoted says that "we do not do [this] and the other things because they are easy, we do them because they are hard..."  So I have been thinking what would make sense to do to help toward my goals and it is apparent to me that daily food logging is what I need to do.  I always make the commitment to do it and Monday through Friday at lunch, I'm awesome!  But Saturday and Sunday come and go with no logging and consistently I have eaten enough on those days to negate all my hard work during the week.

So, I'm going to try something new.  I know that it isn't the same for everyone, and I totally respect that.  But I'm going to try making a six week promise to God.  I'm not promising that my eating will be perfect.  I'm just promising that I will track it every single day.  I believe that if I do that, I might be less likely to actually sabotage myself.  I know I can do this.  But I'm scared.  I'm scared that I will do the same thing I always do and just stop tracking.  Or I'm scared that I will track, but I will be appalled by my behavior. 

We do not do these things because they are easy...

Hugs!