Wednesday, February 2, 2011

How did I get there?

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I watched the Biggest Loser last night. I know that it is no the most realistic approach to weight loss seeing that we wouldn't have time to work out 8-10 hours a day. But I just love seeing what people can do.

The first thing that struck me is that I'm not sure if I could do a Biggest Loser work out! I work out a lot, but what they were doing was amazing. I was so proud of myself for jogging on a 5.0 incline yesterday for 30 seconds. She was having them at a 7.0 incline for longer!! I realize they are puking and I don't push myself to that point, but it is still amazing what you can do if someone is pushing you and you are receptive.

Second thing that struck me was when one of the guys had a bit of a breakdown and he questioned how he had gotten there. That really struck home for me.

I grew up "the fat girl." Looking at the pictures from my past, I wasn't that big. Even my dad said to me that when he looks back at old pictures he doesn't remember me being that small. I think part of it was that I weigh heavy. I was roughly the same size as some of my friends, but I weighed a good 20-30 pounds more than they did. That remains true today. My mom & I are wearing the same size clothes (for the most part), but she weighs over 40 pounds less than I do. So I think that we had a mindset from the beginning that I was FAT, when maybe I wasn't really.

Then I think we (I) became so focused on it. I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting in 4th grade. At the time, I just wanted to be smaller, but in retrospect, there were probably better ways to focus my attention. I was on NutriSystem in high school and I consistently snuck food. My parents found out and (rightly so) got angry for wasting money. I just felt like a big, fat failure.

I remember going to fast food restaurants with my family and my brother ordered french fries, but I couldn't. Now I wonder if I really wasn't allowed to, or if I just felt too guilty (fat) to order them. I honestly do not know.

When I got to college, I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted it. However, my Freshman year I didn't have a car and I walked all over the place, including to my job which was several blocks away from campus. My sophomore year I had a car, but by December I had moved into the Sorority quad which in my case meant a 4th floor walk up! I think walking those 3 flights of stairs multiple times a day kept me in check through the end of my junior year. My senior year I moved off campus. I was only a block away from where I was before, but it was on the first floor and instead of walking to classes, I drove. It was ridiculous and I'm quite sure that I gained 40-50 pounds that year.

I have been to Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig. I have worked out, taken pills prescribed by the doctor and over the counter. I have done Atkins and South Beach. But nothing worked or it did for a little while until I couldn't stay at it. In November 2009 I was at an all time high. I weighed more that my (hefty) dad.

It was hard at the time to see how I got there, but now it doesn't matter. I have a tool that actually works for me! I am working hard, but I'm successful! I have another 6-12 months of weight loss to go, but I'm not at all intimidated by that. That's a first!

For the first time, I'm in control! And it feels darn good.  Even if I don't make every goal, I'm going in the right direction and THAT is enough to keep me moving!!

Anyway, I was a little "rambly" today, but The Biggest Loser will do that for me. :) Have a great day, y'all!!

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