Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Boys.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Yesterday was a tough blog post for me. Because I had a bad morning yesterday, it started bringing up all those old feelings.

I made myself remember all of it. Not just Buffalo Butt, not just the bus, but more... There were so many times that I was interested in a boy that befriended me only to end up dating one of my (thinner) friends. It's very possible it was because they just didn't want to date ME, but all I saw was rejection of a fatty. As an adult, I had two long distance relationships right out of college and that is it. Nada in about a decade. I've only kissed one guy in about 6 years, I think? And that was a drunken hook up at a friend's wedding. Ha!

Growing up, I was the same size as some of my friends, but I always considered myself the fat one. I look at pictures and that wasn't really the case. All my friends had dates and boyfriends, but I didn't. My mom said that I always pushed them away or cut them off. The older I get, the more I realize that might be somewhat true. You know that Rodney Dangerfield quote about him not wanting to join any club that would have himself as a member? That's me, I think. In my head, I don't want to date anyone that would want to date me. Wow. That's just kinda sad...like, really...sad.

Did I mention that I love boys? I do. I'm boy crazy, in fact!! I just never get past the admiring stage.

I know I'm smart. I know I'm witty (in person...not so much in writing, ha!) I know that I am a natural leader, have a good work ethic and I'm nice. Apparently humble as well. ;) But all that is negated much of the time because I'm fat. I was driving with a guy friend one time and he told me that guys will choose the skinny girl over the better looking overweight girl every time. He said that he knew it sucked, but it was true. That has really stuck with me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know that fat people get married, fat people have sex, fat people date. I know all of that. While I can imagine a romantic scenario with a cute guy in fantasy, I have a hard time truly imagining it in reality.

About 4 years ago, I think I had a pretty good chance with a cute guy. We would email, talk on the phone and generally made excuses to see each other. It didn't work out and I started to gain weight. I didn't stop for 80 pounds. All the weight gain wasn't about him, for sure. But I have no doubt that it contributed to the start of it.

I know I feel better about myself now than I did then. No question about it. So, I do think that as I lose weight, I will continue to feel better about myself. I don't think when I am at goal that I will see myself in the mirror as I was before or I am now. Maybe the argument is that I should be happy with myself regardless of the number on the scale. But I don't think that is my reality. We'll see.

One thing I do know is that I haven't stuck with anything this long and I have officially lost more at one time than I ever have before. I WILL lose 120 pounds and I WILL feel good about my body.

I can't promise that losing the weight will net me a boyfriend. I know better than that. But if I feel good about myself, I know that will reflect and will at least allow for the possibility. :)

I will work on a happier post for tomorrow!!

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